Not Another Teen Movie (2001)
Chris Evans: Jake Wyler
Photos
Quotes
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Catherine : Can I ask you a question? Why is it then whenever I tell a guy to put it wherever they want, they always stick it in my ass?
Malik : Damn.
Jake : That's way too much information for me, Catherine.
Catherine : Oh no Jake. Way too much information would be telling you that whenever they're done I always take a huge dump.
Malik : Shit.
Catherine : On their chest.
Malik : Oh, that is whack.
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Janey : [talking about her dead mom] I remember it like it was yesterday, Christmas 1989, Dad had just gotten fired from the Zippo factory, Mom was still pulling in tricks to make ends meet, Daniel Day Lewis won an Oscar for "My Left Foot", and all I wanted was one of those little Betsy Wetsy dolls.
Jake : I remember those. Push her belly and she'd piss all over herself.
Janey : She said she was going out to get my Dad a bottle of gin, but, I knew she was going to get me that present. It was raining really hard that night, the roads were... slippery.
Jake : Janey... a car accident.
Janey : No. Cancer.
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Jake : Hey Janey. What's up?
Janey : Excuse me?
Jake : So listen, you ever wondered what it'd be like to be the most popular girl in school?
Janey : You mean anorexic, superficial, a bitch, a whore who lacks any real long-term goals?
Jake : Uhhh ha ha... exactly. So, if you're interested, I thought that maybe we could go out sometime, be seen in public together.
Janey : You haven't spoken to me in, like, four years Jake.
Jake : Actually, it's more like six, because the time you're referring to when we were standing in line at that movie theater, I was actually saying "hey" to the person right behind you.
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Ricky Lipman : I am *not* going to let you hurt Janey again. Okay? Besides, I love her.
Jake : Well, so do I.
Ricky Lipman : [slight pause] Yes, but I'm the best friend, and I have been in front of her face the whole time, and she just... hasn't really realized it yet, but she will.
Jake : Well, I'm the reformed cool guy, who's learned the error of his ways. She's gonna forgive me for my mistakes, and realize that I really love her.
Ricky Lipman : [pause] Dammit, that's true.
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Jake : What about her?
[indicating hunchback girl walking by]
Austin : So baby's got a little back. Hunch, that is. Naah, way too easy.
Jake : OK.
[indicates hippy albino girl playing guitar]
Albino Folk Singer : [singing] I have no pigment...
Austin : Any girl with a guitar is hot.
Albino Folk Singer : [continues singing] I need sunscreen...
Austin : Granted, she's a hippy albino. She could still be prom queen.
Jake : OK, uh, what about the Fratelli sisters?
[indicates awkward Siamese twins conjoined at the head]
Austin : So they're slightly disfigured and connected at the head. But combined, those two make up one pretty decent chick.
Reggie Ray : Yeah, I'd do 'em.
Austin : I know you would, Reggie Ray. But no, I'm looking for somebody who's really messed up. I'm talking about a real shitbomb.
[Janie Briggs walks by]
Austin : Well, bombs away!
Jake : No, no, no, no, anyone but her! Not... Janey Briggs! Guys, she's got glasses and a ponytail! Aw, look at that, she's got paint on her overalls, what is that? Guys, there's no way she could be prom queen!
Malik : Damn! That shit's whack!
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Jake : She's right... maybe you should get on that plane to Paris. Cause if you stay, we really only have the summer, then I go to college and we'll talk on the phone and spend the occasional weekend together which is nice. But chances are one night I'm gonna get wrecked and have unprotected sex with some girl in my dorm. You'll find her thong and call me a slut... I'll call you a cock-tease and we'll break up. So when you really think about it, what's the point?
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[Punches Austin]
Jake : That's for taking Janie to the prom.
Priscilla : You put the...
[Jake punches her]
Jake : That's for hurting Janie at Preston's party.
Les : [Filming] This is really turning me on.
[Jake punches him]
Jake : That's for... being really weird.
[Starts to leave, turns and punches Les' floating bag]
Jake : I don't know what that was for.
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Janey : I knew it. That's a line from "She's All That". I masturbate to that movie.
Jake : [to nosy Flight Attendant right behind them] Do you mind?
Airline Clerk : Not at all, I think masturbation is very healthy.
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Priscilla : Jake, I need some T-to-the-fourth-power-Y.
Jake Wyler : Huh?
Priscilla : Some time to talk to you?
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Flight attendant : OH GOD! Ugh! I can't believe you fell for that crap! That's from 'Pretty In Pink!'
Janey : Are you sure?
Flight attendant : Trust me!
Jake : Excuse me, what are you doing?
Flight attendant : Let me give you a little piece of advice here, Jake. Why don't you lose the "I'm the cute and sensitive, popular boy with the big side-burns routine. It's just too pathetic! And for once tell Janey what's true in your heart. Stop being such a little bitch! And you Janey! Little miss other-side-of-the-tracks awkward rebel girl with the pseudo-intellectual glasses, why don't you wise-up to Jake's bullshit! Stop being such a dumbass!
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Jake : No, not Janey Briggs. She's got glasses. And a ponytail. Ugh, she's got paint on her overalls. What is that?
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Jake : Excuse me, everyone. There is a girl boarding a plane, right now, to Paris that I love. And if I don't get there in time and tell her how I really feel, I may never see her again.
Man in Line : Go get her, son!
Woman in Line : Good luck, young man!
[Jake was allowed to cut in front of the line, but the Metal Detector buzzes when he walks through it]
Security Guard : Oh hell, just go!
[the Security Guard lets Jake through without searching him, but then a woman walks through the Metal Detector next and it buzzes]
Security Guard : Freeze, Bitch!
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Jake : How could Priscilla dump me, Jake Wyler? I mean who the hell does she think she is?
Austin : I got two words for ya, Jake: Prom Queen... material.
Jake : Austin, she's an illusion. Ok, you take away the make-up, the clothes, the way she wears her hair, the smell of her perfume, that cute little face she makes when she's tonguing my balls. Look she's totally replaceable.
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Jake : Oh God Dad! How many times have I told you? I'm not going to Princeton!
Mr. Wyler : Listen, I'm not pressuring you, son. All I'm saying is give it four years. If you don't like it, there's always a job waiting for you at my firm.
Jake : I don't want your life!
Mr. Wyler : That's ok, son. I heard about what happened between you and Priscilla. The good news is I got the perfect rebound girl for you.
Jake : Really?
Mrs. Wyler : Beverly, could you come in here?
Jake : Dad, that's mom!
Mr. Wyler : What do you say, kiddo?
Mr. Wyler : I'm just gonna leave you two alone.
Mr. Wyler : Make me proud, son!
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Austin : Jake Wyler. So congratulations man, you just blew my perfect season. Senor You-Just-Blew-My-Perfect-Season!
Jake : What do you want Austin?
Austin : A life.
[pause]
Austin : And payback.
Jake : C'mon man, don't do this.
Austin : No, man, I think I'll hang around. Maybe tell Janey a little S-E-C-R-A-T-P...
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Jake Wyler : So listen, you ever wonder what it would be like to be the most popular girl in school?
Janey Briggs : You mean anorexic, superficial, a bitch, a whore who lacks any real long-term goals?
Jake Wyler : [chuckles] ... Exactly.
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The Coach : All right, goddamn it, lets hit the showers goddamn it! Bunch of candy-asses, we're gonna get our asses kicked Friday!
Jake : Coach what about fourth-string? I didn't even get to practice...
The Coach : Wyler... after all the goddamn shenanigans you pulled last season, you should be thanking god that your still in goddamn uniform, Goddamn it!
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[In an Alternated Ending]
Janey Briggs : Jake?
Jake : Janey, thank God I got to you in time.
Jake : Listen, I'm not gonna let you get on that plane and go to Paris.
Janey Briggs : Why not?
Janey Briggs , Jake : [Jake thinks of something to say to Janey]
Janey Briggs : Is there something you want to say?
Jake : Yes, Janey, there is. Listen, I made that bet before I knew you. Before I really knew me.
Janey Briggs : Wait a second, that sounds a lot like a line from She's All That. I masturbate to that movie.
[Jake thinks of something else to say to Janey]
Jake : Janey, you told me you couldn't believe in someone who didn't believe in you. Well I believed in you. I always believed in you.
Janey Briggs : Jake, you don't need to use some sappy line from a movie to tell me how you feel. Just say what's in your heart.
Jake : You're right.
Jake : Janey, you complete me.
Janey Briggs : Oh Jake, you had me at "Janey, thank God I got to you in time. Listen, I'm not gonna let you get on that plane and go to Paris."
