- Catherine: Can I ask you a question? Why is it then whenever I tell a guy to put it wherever they want, they always stick it in my ass?
- Malik: Damn.
- Jake: That's way too much information for me, Catherine.
- Catherine: Oh no Jake. Way too much information would be telling you that whenever they're done I always take a huge dump.
- Malik: Shit.
- Catherine: On their chest.
- Malik: Oh, that is whack.
- [White cheerleaders]
- Cheerleaders: We are the North Compton wild cats. We're black, we know it. We shake our big booties and we show it. We ain't white. We ain't white. We definitely ain't white. Break it down niggas.
- Malik: What are you doing here?
- Other black guy at party: What do you mean?
- Malik: I am supposed to be the only black guy at this party.
- Other black guy at party: Oh, damn. Shit.
- Malik: I know, I know.
- Other black guy at party, Malik: [Together] It's whack.
- Priscilla: You put the "suck" in "liposuction" You put the "ooo" in "jiu-jitsu" You put the "ism" in "This is all just a defense mechanism".
- Janey: I read Sylvia Plath, I listen to Bikini Kill and I eat Tofu. I am a unique rebel.
- Mitch: It sounds more like you're a lesbo.
- Mr. Briggs: Hey, Mitch, now leave your sister alone.
- Janey: Thank you, daddy.
- Mr. Briggs: If Janey wants to be a rug-muncher, that's her decision.
- Janey: [talking about her dead mom] I remember it like it was yesterday, Christmas 1989, Dad had just gotten fired from the Zippo factory, Mom was still pulling in tricks to make ends meet, Daniel Day Lewis won an Oscar for "My Left Foot", and all I wanted was one of those little Betsy Wetsy dolls.
- Jake: I remember those. Push her belly and she'd piss all over herself.
- Janey: She said she was going out to get my Dad a bottle of gin, but, I knew she was going to get me that present. It was raining really hard that night, the roads were... slippery.
- Jake: Janey... a car accident.
- Janey: No. Cancer.
- Jake: Hey Janey. What's up?
- Janey: Excuse me?
- Jake: So listen, you ever wondered what it'd be like to be the most popular girl in school?
- Janey: You mean anorexic, superficial, a bitch, a whore who lacks any real long-term goals?
- Jake: Uhhh ha ha... exactly. So, if you're interested, I thought that maybe we could go out sometime, be seen in public together.
- Janey: You haven't spoken to me in, like, four years Jake.
- Jake: Actually, it's more like six, because the time you're referring to when we were standing in line at that movie theater, I was actually saying "hey" to the person right behind you.
- Ricky Lipman: I am *not* going to let you hurt Janey again. Okay? Besides, I love her.
- Jake: Well, so do I.
- Ricky Lipman: [slight pause] Yes, but I'm the best friend, and I have been in front of her face the whole time, and she just... hasn't really realized it yet, but she will.
- Jake: Well, I'm the reformed cool guy, who's learned the error of his ways. She's gonna forgive me for my mistakes, and realize that I really love her.
- Ricky Lipman: [pause] Dammit, that's true.
- Mitch: [in detention] We were just sitting here like we were supposed to.
- Richard Vernon: I don't want to hear it, mister. You just bought yourself another detention.
- Mitch: That's not fair.
- Richard Vernon: Cry me a river, dickface, you just bought yourself another one.
- Mitch: [under his breath] Shorts.
- Richard Vernon: What was that?
- Mitch: Eat... My... Shorts.
- Richard Vernon: Don't mess with the bull, young man, you'll get the horns.
- Mitch: I'm shaking.
- Richard Vernon: You just got another.
- Mitch: Good.
- Richard Vernon: You through?
- Mitch: Not even close, *bud!*
- Richard Vernon: You want another one?
- Mitch: Yes.
- Richard Vernon: You got it.
- Mitch: Good.
- Richard Vernon: That's another one. You had enough yet?
- Mitch: No.
- Richard Vernon: That's another one.
- Mitch: So?
- Richard Vernon: You just say the word, I'll keep going.
- Mitch: Go.
- Richard Vernon: Eenie-meenie-mynie...?
- Mitch: Mo.
- Austin: [to Jake] All I said was, "I'm pretending to whisper a big secret in your ear, so Jake here thinks that I'm telling you a big secret, which will cause him to break into a hysterical confession where he actually reveals... a big secret. Thus confirming everything I just whispered in your ear."
- Naked Girl at Party: Hey! She has the same outfit as me!
- [Looks towards the passing Areola]
- Naked Girl's Friend: Yeah, but you look better in it.
- Priscilla: This isn't a cheer-ocracy, I am the cheer-tator, I make the cheer-isions, I will deal with the cheer-onsequences. If there are no cheer-uptions, we can cheer-tinue.
- Areola: But I don't need the class schedule. I only come to this country to be object of lust for poor nerds who cannot get American pussy.
- Mr. Cornish: Well, isn't that wonderful?
- Tour Guide: It's funny, isn't it? You would never suspect that everyone at this school is a professional dancer.
- Richard Vernon: [after giving Mitch detention when mouths off to him] You want another one?
- Mitch: Yes...
- Richard Vernon: You got it.
- Mitch: Good!
- Richard Vernon: That's another one. You had enough yet?
- Mitch: No!
- Richard Vernon: That's another one.
- Mitch: So?
- Richard Vernon: You just say the word and I'll keep going.
- Mitch: Go!
- Richard Vernon: Eeny meeny miney...?
- Mitch: Mo!
- Richard Vernon: Your mother was a...?
- Mitch: Ho!
- Richard Vernon: He was a famous clown...?
- Mitch: Bobo!
- Ox: Mitch, cut it out!
- [Mitch looks at Ox, Ox mouths "stop!"]
- Richard Vernon: [to Ox] That's another one for you.
- Ox: But I was just...
- Richard Vernon: That's another one.
- Bruce: So, that make one more for Ox or for Mitch?
- Richard Vernon: Another.
- Bruce: I confused.
- Richard Vernon: Shut your hole, Wang Chung. I got all three of you guys for the rest of your natural born lives. You're mine. Next time I come in here I'm
- [Mitch mouths in unison]
- Richard Vernon: cracking skulls.
- [Punches Austin]
- Jake: That's for taking Janie to the prom.
- Priscilla: You put the...
- [Jake punches her]
- Jake: That's for hurting Janie at Preston's party.
- Les: [Filming] This is really turning me on.
- [Jake punches him]
- Jake: That's for... being really weird.
- [Starts to leave, turns and punches Les' floating bag]
- Jake: I don't know what that was for.
- Jake: What about her?
- [indicating hunchback girl walking by]
- Austin: So baby's got a little back. Hunch, that is. Naah, way too easy.
- Jake: OK.
- [indicates hippy albino girl playing guitar]
- Albino Folk Singer: [singing] I have no pigment...
- Austin: Any girl with a guitar is hot.
- Albino Folk Singer: [continues singing] I need sunscreen...
- Austin: Granted, she's a hippy albino. She could still be prom queen.
- Jake: OK, uh, what about the Fratelli sisters?
- [indicates awkward Siamese twins conjoined at the head]
- Austin: So they're slightly disfigured and connected at the head. But combined, those two make up one pretty decent chick.
- Reggie Ray: Yeah, I'd do 'em.
- Austin: I know you would, Reggie Ray. But no, I'm looking for somebody who's really messed up. I'm talking about a real shitbomb.
- [Janie Briggs walks by]
- Austin: Well, bombs away!
- Jake: No, no, no, no, anyone but her! Not... Janey Briggs! Guys, she's got glasses and a ponytail! Aw, look at that, she's got paint on her overalls, what is that? Guys, there's no way she could be prom queen!
- Malik: Damn! That shit's whack!
- Ricky Lipman: Heeeeeeeeeeeeere's Ricky!
- Janey Briggs: Hey Ricky, what'd you do this weekend?
- Ricky Lipman: Well, Friday night I stood outside your window - in the pouring rain - screaming your name for several hours. And then I spent all of Saturday and Sunday making you this great "Janey I've Been Desperately Trying To Tell You That I Am Madly In Love With You" ummmm... Mix Tape for your birthday.
- Janey Briggs: A mix tape? Awwwww that's so sweet Ricky. See you in English.
- Jake: She's right... maybe you should get on that plane to Paris. Cause if you stay, we really only have the summer, then I go to college and we'll talk on the phone and spend the occasional weekend together which is nice. But chances are one night I'm gonna get wrecked and have unprotected sex with some girl in my dorm. You'll find her thong and call me a slut... I'll call you a cock-tease and we'll break up. So when you really think about it, what's the point?
- Mr. Briggs: Hey, uhh... I might be late to pick you guys up.
- Janey Briggs: Why, do you have a job interview today, Daddy?
- Mr. Briggs: No honey, I-I'll probably just be way too drunk.
- Janey Briggs: Oh, that's good. We don't want you drinking and driving.
- Mr. Briggs: Oh, I'll be driving. I'll just be too shit-faced to remember to pick you guys up.
- Janey Briggs: Okay. Bye, Daddy.
- [kisses him on the cheek]
- Mr. Briggs: Bye, Pumpkinhead.
- Janey: [Talking about after her mom's death] It was so hard. I had to take on all of her responsibilities. Cooking... cleaning... breast feeding Mitch.
- Preston's Mother: [Preston's parents are just heading out for the weekend] Now Preston, I left some money on the kitchen counter. Oh and the emergency numbers are by the phone.
- Preston's Father: And remember son, *no parties*.
- Keg Guy: [Two guys walk by carring a beer keg] Keg commin' through! Hey Preston.
- Preston: Whats up, man?
- Preston's Father: We're really trusting you here, Preston.
- Roadie: [Behind them two more guys roll in a huge set of speakers] Where to you want these speakers set up, Preston?
- Preston: Yeah, just move all the shit in the dinning room.
- [to his parents]
- Preston: Well, you guys really should hit the road, huh? Because I'm about to take your antique Ferrari to the inner-city to buy some hookers.
- Preston's Mother: Well, alright, sweetie. We'll call you later to check in.
- Preston: Oh, mom. By that point I'll be so high I won't even know where the phone is.
- Preston's Mother: Haha! Thats my boy.
- Janey: I knew it. That's a line from "She's All That". I masturbate to that movie.
- Jake: [to nosy Flight Attendant right behind them] Do you mind?
- Airline Clerk: Not at all, I think masturbation is very healthy.
- Priscilla: Jake, I need some T-to-the-fourth-power-Y.
- Jake Wyler: Huh?
- Priscilla: Some time to talk to you?
- The Coach: I don't give a damn how many concussions he has left. Get Reggie Ray on the field, fuck dammit!
- [spits]
- Flight attendant: OH GOD! Ugh! I can't believe you fell for that crap! That's from 'Pretty In Pink!'
- Janey: Are you sure?
- Flight attendant: Trust me!
- Jake: Excuse me, what are you doing?
- Flight attendant: Let me give you a little piece of advice here, Jake. Why don't you lose the "I'm the cute and sensitive, popular boy with the big side-burns routine. It's just too pathetic! And for once tell Janey what's true in your heart. Stop being such a little bitch! And you Janey! Little miss other-side-of-the-tracks awkward rebel girl with the pseudo-intellectual glasses, why don't you wise-up to Jake's bullshit! Stop being such a dumbass!
- Jake: Excuse me, everyone. There is a girl boarding a plane, right now, to Paris that I love. And if I don't get there in time and tell her how I really feel, I may never see her again.
- Man in Line: Go get her, son!
- Woman in Line: Good luck, young man!
- [Jake was allowed to cut in front of the line, but the Metal Detector buzzes when he walks through it]
- Security Guard: Oh hell, just go!
- [the Security Guard lets Jake through without searching him, but then a woman walks through the Metal Detector next and it buzzes]
- Security Guard: Freeze, Bitch!
- Jake: No, not Janey Briggs. She's got glasses. And a ponytail. Ugh, she's got paint on her overalls. What is that?
- Preston: Hey guys, welcome to the party. If you're gonna have sex, please - do it in my parents' bedroom.
- Jake: How could Priscilla dump me, Jake Wyler? I mean who the hell does she think she is?
- Austin: I got two words for ya, Jake: Prom Queen... material.
- Jake: Austin, she's an illusion. Ok, you take away the make-up, the clothes, the way she wears her hair, the smell of her perfume, that cute little face she makes when she's tonguing my balls. Look she's totally replaceable.
- Austin: Looks like you've got a thing for butt-ugly girls, Mr. I've Got A Thing For Butt-Ugly Girls!
- Priscilla: Think you'II be prom queen? WeII, think again, Janey. You put the ass in embarrassment. The boo in taboo. And the suck in Iiposuction.
- Janey: Is that the best you can do?
- Priscilla: No. You aIso put the brat in bratwurst. And the eew in jujitsu. And the ism in, This is aII just a defense mechanism.