[after Flashback FM plays a song called "She's on Fire"]
Toni: Oh she's on fire! Luckily I've never have been... I've done a lot of crazy things, I can tell you that... but I've never been on fire... at least not to my knowledge.
Gay Construction Worker: You can sail the seven seas.
Caller: I told you before man, don't mock me! My taxes pay your salary, you pansy!
Lazlow: Sir, this is a commercial radio station owned by Love Media. Advertising revenue pays my salary.
Pedestrian: Yep, I've been drinkin' again.
Taxi Driver: [having his taxi stolen] Get in the back, aaaah!
Caller: Liberty City was great before phones ruined everything.
Lazlow: Liberty City was a church, a cow pasture and three houses when the telephone was invented!
Lazlow: You're the liar!
Caller: Liar liar, pants on fire!
Lazlow: What are you-are you-are you three years old?
Caller: Lazlow's a liar! Lazlow's a liar! I bet that isn't even your real name!
Lazlow: Shut up!
Caller: You shut up!
Caller: Nany nany booboo, stick your head in doo-doo!
Lazlow: Eugh, we're going to commercials.
Caller: I say spanking kids is the only way to teach them right from wrong.
Lazlow: So you think that teaching kids from an early age that violence is the solution to problems will make them valuable members of our society.
Pedestrian: I'm gonna get a gun.
Pedestrian: Guns don't kill people.
Pedestrian: People kill people.
Pedestrian: Guns help though.
[just before the player takes control for the first time]
8-Ball: I know a place on the edge of the Red Light District where we can lay low, but my hands are all messed up so you better drive, brother.
Luigi Goterelli: Some Diablo scumbags has been pimping their scuzzy bitches in my backyard. Go take care of things for me.
Police Officer: [Screaming] Take him out!
Donald Love: Nothing drives down real estate prices like a good old-fashioned gang war. Apart from an outbreak of plague, but that may be going too far in this case.
Triad: I see pain in your future!
[Reed Tucker is about to destroy a desk live on Chatterbox]
Lazlow: This desk is made of 2-inch thick composite wood and has a mahogany venear finish. It has three drawers and knowing this station, it cost $100. In his own words, Reed Tucker is about to smash it into two half desks. Take it away, Reeve.
Reed Tucker: Ladies and gentlemen, I've already visualized the desk in two half desks, and now I shall make it so... dragon stance... hii-YA! Ohhh, ow, oh Lazlow, Lazlow, I think I hurt my hand... my pinky's all bent the wrong way.
Lazlow: [mocking Reed] Listen, Karate Kid. The desk is still in one piece. Thanks for coming on the show!
Reed Tucker: Okay, Lazlow, mockery will get you nowhere. I think I might hit you now.
Lazlow: [mocking Reed] Oh, I bruise easily! Don't throw any tofu's or bean curds at me!
Columbian: I going to kill you.
Police helicopter co-pilot: We're gonna KILL YOU!
Police helicopter pilot: [to pilot] You can't say that it's not in the book!
Caller: Countries that don't have guns aint American!
Lazlow: You're right, countries that don't have guns aren't American...
Donald Love: Experience has taught me that a man like you can be very loyal for the right price, but groups of men get greedy.
Pedestrian: Give me a doughnut! I'm hungry!
Maria: M-E-N, Oh, it's a dirty word but there's only three letters.
Maria: You broadcasters are all the same, aren't you, I mean I heard about you, you're always out on boys nights!
Lazlow: Whoa, Whoa what are you talking about, I'm married!
Maria: One of those convenience jobs to protect you, I bet? I know what you're all like! You know more about men than I know about leopard-skin furniture!
Police helicopter co-pilot: [to pilot] Have you read the manual for this thing?
Toni: The Triads think they can mess with me? The Triads? With ME?
Caller: Wow, I got through! Uh, Lazlow, I think your last two callers are a perfect example of manners in this city! People are rude, and they don't seem to care about anything but themselves. Perfect example: the other day, I stopped at the store to pick up an exercise bar because I hadn't had breakfast or lunch. So I go up to pay, and the lady's like, "A dollar twenty-five please." So I get out my checkbook, and this guy behind me is like, "Oh come on lady, you don't have two dollars?" And I said, "As a matter of fact, I don't! I spent my last two dollars last night buying gas at these ridiculous gas prices. And besides, who are you anyway? Can't you see that I'm wearing my 'I walked for the cure' T-shirt?" People are so inconsiderate!
Lazlow: Well, you'll get no argument from me. I mean, I get every inconsiderate moron in Liberty City calling into this show. I mean, people think that I have no feelings what-so-ever!
Caller: Exactly! Another perfect example: the other day I'm over at the hospital to have my lunch with my girl friend Cherice, and this maniac comes right up on my bumper, flashing his lights, and I'm like, "Hey guy, the light is red, you can't just come up behind me honking and flashing your lights!" Then he gets over this megaphone and says, "To the woman in the teal Maibatsu Monstrosity, please move to the side!" Can you believe it? I mean, who has a megaphone hooked into their car? People are sooo obnoxious these days! And rude! I mean, I tell my nanny to teach my kids some manners.
Lazlow: You know, I think that's a lesson to us all! All right, hello next caller, you're on Chatterbox.
Freddy: Hello Lazlow...
Freddy: ...did that woman say she was a nanny? Because Freddy needs a nanny because he's been a very naughty boy...
Lazlow: *Nooo, no nannies*!
Lazlow Jones: Well Toni...
Toni: Toni? How did you know my name was Toni? Are you tracing this call, because if you are, you're gonna become real intimately acquainted with- what your brains look like. My name ain't Toni, okay?
Lazlow Jones: Alright.
Toni: But my mom she keeps goin, Toni, Toni be a real man stand up for yourself don't take no shit! But all I wanna do is to be a good son and show that she cares for me, show that she loves me, and you know, say I was a good kid but it seems like nothings ever good enough for her you know what I mean? What do I do?
Luigi Goterelli: There's a new high on the street, goes by the name of SPANK. Some wiseguy's been introducing this trash to my girls down Portland harbour. Go and introduce a bat to his face. Then take his car, respray it. I want compensation for this insult.
Salvatore Leone: Me and the fellas need to talk business so you're gonna look after my girl for the evening. HEY MARIA! MOVE YOUR BUTT! Dumb broad does this every time. And here she is, the one and only Queen of Sheba! What were you doing up there? Whatever it was, I bet it cost me money.
Maria: Well, you don't think I hang around for the conversation, do you?
Salvatore Leone: Get in that car and keep your big mouth shut. Take the limo but bring it back in one piece, yhear me? And watch her, she can be trouble.
Maria: Yeah, yeah, yeah! I'm sure your new lap dog has everything covered, and isn't he big and strong? Hey Fido, Let's go visit Chico and get some party treats! He's at the rail station at the Chinatown waterfront I think.
Asuka Kasen: Let's lay our cards on the table. I am Yakuza and I know you worked for Salvatore Leones family. I can give you work with our organization, but first you must prove to me that your ties with the Mafia are truly broken. Salvatore Leone will be leaving Luigi's in about three hours time. Make sure he doesn't reach his club alive. Meanwhile Maria and I will catch up on old times.
Maria: Oh... Asuka, you've got a massager.
Asuka Kasen: That's not a massager.
Kenji Kasen: When trouble looms, the fool turns his back, while the wise man faces it down.
Kenji Kasen: YOU! How fitting you should choose this moment to show your worthless face! It would appear your attempts to dissuade the Jamaicans from becoming bed fellows with the Cartel were wholly inadequate! Yardie pushers line Liberty's streets selling packets of SPANK like they were selling hotdogs! Those Cartel pigs are laughing at us, at me! I will give you one last chance to prove my sisters faith in you to be well founded! Run these scumbags into the ground and wash your shame in rivers of our enemies blood!
Gay Construction Worker: In the navy!
Columbian: You're a brave man, eh?
Diablo: You gonna die now, Homes!
Spanked-Up Madmen: I got a package for ya, special delivery! Hahaha!
Old woman: Haven't you got respect for your elders?
Columbian: You gonna be sorry.
Toni: OK, I've had enough of this shit. We're gonna finish the Triads in Liberty once and for all! 8-Ball's rigged a dustcart with a bomb, so if you mess this up there'll be no evidence. Go and pick up the dustcart from 8-Ball's. Careful, 8-Ball says it's real sensitive and the slightest bump could set that thing off! Their fish factory will open its gates for a dustcart, so you can drive right in. Park up between the gas canisters and get the hell out of there! I want it to rain mackerel. We're talking real biblical here, nothing low budget.
Momma Cipriani: Oh, it's you. Toni ain't here. But he left one of his sugary love letters for you.
Toni: We're at WAR! The Triads have a fish factory as a front. Most of their business goes down at the fish market in Chinatown. That laundry still owes us protection. They reckon the Triads are protecting them now, so I say we exact a fitting punishment. Take these boys over there and whack the Triad Warlords! Hell, if you get a chance, pop some of their soldiers too.
Joey: "Chunky" Lee Chong is pushin' spank for some new gang from Colombia... or Colorado... or something, I'm not really sure... who needs details anyway? That rat has sold his last stirfry. I want you to take him out! Sort yourself with a nine, you know where it is, right?
Caller: I'm promoting my organization, Citizens Raging Against Phones.
Lazlow: Crap? Your organization is called CRAP? How many people are there in this crap?
Caller: Citizens are raging against phones!
Lazlow: How many people?
Caller: There are three of us. It's hard organizing meeting without the phone. We've had to resort to carrier pigeons and they keep disappearing.
Lazlow: Wait a minute, you want to stop people from using the phone? But you're calling up on a phone to tell the world about it!
Pedestrian: My mother's my sister!
Gay Construction Worker: In the Navy!
Chinatown Pedestrian: Mo money, Mo problems!
[Lazlow finishes a conversation with a caller on Chatterbox]
Lazlow: This is really going nowhere. Do you have anything else to say?
Caller: Free Kevin!
Freddy: When I was a boy in England, I had a nanny. She was very strict, Lazlow.
Lazlow: How old is your son?
Freddy: Excuse me?
Lazlow: How old is your son?
Freddy: I don't have children! I can't stand the little brats! But Freddy needs a nanny...
Lazlow: Alright, that's enough of him! God, who gave this guy a green card?
Pedestrian: You can look but you can't touch!
[introducing the song "Shake It Up" by Giorgio Moroder and Arthur W. Barrow]
Toni: This one reminds me of waking up on the
Toni: band tour bus. What's his name? The one with the highlights and the mascara? He was wearing this great jacket with shoulder pads and he started playing along to this song on a kazoo. We were wild.
Lazlow: What are you talking about?
Old woman: [having her car stolen] I'm an old lady, for Christ's sake!
Old woman: [stuck in traffic] I gotta get my face plucked!
Catalina: Hey let's get this outta here. God knows what it is but he seems to want it badly enough so it must be worth something.
[the main character jumps out the lift, fires into the air, and holds them at gunpoint]
Miguel: Who the heck!
Miguel: Take it easy amigo, De Nada! De Nada!
Catalina: YOU, I left you pouring your heart out into the gutter.
Miguel: Hey don't shot amigo. No problem we all friends here, take it.
[Miguel put down the suitcase and backs away]
Catalina: Don't be such a pussy!
Miguel: We got no choice baby!
Catalina: You always got a choice you dumb bastard.
[Catalina shoots Miguel in the back, merely injuring him, then jumps off the building. The main character looks over and sees a large pile of boxes]
Miguel: I'm sorry about the crazy bitch, they're all the same, por favor.
[Asuka appears out of nowhere]
Asuka Kasen: So the whore got away. But you've done me a favor you're not the only one that has a score to settle with the Columbians. This worm killed my brother.
Miguel: I've never killed no Yakuza!
Asuka Kasen: LIAR! We all saw the Cartel assassin. We're going to hunt down and kill all you Columbian dogs!
[Asuka starts hitting Miguel with her stick]
Asuka Kasen: I'll be operating on our little friend here to extract information and a little pleasure. You, drop by later, I'm sure I'll require your services.
Miguel: Please amigo, don't leave me with her, she psycho chica! Amigo? Hey AMEEEGO!... Aiiieeeeaaargghh!
Salvatore Leone: Hey, it's my favorite clean-up guy! I'm proud of you. You kicked the shit out of those grease-balls.
Caller: These kids don't respect veterans, we fought for your freedom! When I came back from the Australian-American War, I didn't get a heroes welcome... I didn't get a pack on the back from my friends and neighbors saying 'thanks for fighting for our freedom James!' After years of fighting in the trenches, I come back here and everyone's watching TV!
Lazlow: Now, can you tell me what this Australian-American war was... I never really heard of it!
Caller: God, not another one! Have you read a history book lately son? The Australian-American war the was the biggest war since the big one! I tell ya, I didn't do two tours and take boomerang shrapnel in my head to come back here and have a bunch of hippies deny our history! Those Aussies are ruthless! They even wired kangaroos with explosives... come hopping in the camp and knock out ten guys!
Cab Driver: Are you talkin' to me?
[the main character recieves his first job from Luigi]
Luigi Goterelli: 8-ball's got some business upstairs, maybe you can do me a favour. One of my girls needs a ride so grab a car and pick up Misty from the clinic. Then bring her back here. Remember no one messes with my girls! So keep your hands on the wheel! If you don't mess this up, maybe there'll be more work for you. Now get outta here!
[the main character recieves his first job from Kenji]
Kenji Kasen: My sister speaks highly of you, though I am yet to be convinced that a gaijin can offer anything but disappointment. Perhaps you can help deal with a situation that has me at a disadvantage. Of course failure has its own disgrace. A Yakuza Kanbu is in custody awaiting transfer for trial. He is a valued member of the family. Break him out of custody and get him to the dojo at Bedford Point.
Joey: Alright, just the guy I need to talk to! Alright, there's a car stuffed with a stiff at the cafe near Callahan Point. One of the Fiorellis thought he was a wise guy, so he got what he had coming to him. Take the corpse to the crusher in Harwood, alright?
Momma Cipriani: Toni's off making people bleed, or trying to. He'll never be as tough as his Pop, but he left you a note on the table.
Toni: The laundry has agreed to pay - you did real good kid! Go collect the cash and bring it back here. Watch out for the Triads. They may be shoving a firecracker up your ass, but don't take no crap. Nobody, I mean nobody, messes with TONI CIPRIANI!
Ray Machowski: Hey kid, over here! An old army buddy of mine runs a business in Rockford. We saw action in Nicaragua, back when the country knew what it was doing. Some Cartel scum roughed him up yesterday, said they'd be back for some of his stock today. He's gonna need some back-up and in return he'll give you knock-down rates on any hardware you buy. I'd go myself but the old sciatica's playing up again
Ray Machowski: so, eerr-hhrrmmm, good luck.
Ray Machowski: I think my partner's a rat. We gotta shut him up, permanently. He goes fishing out of his boat near the lighthouse on Portland Rock most nights. Steal a police boat and make sure his back stabbing plans are sunk! I want him sleeping with the fishes, not eating them.
Ray Machowski: Torch that place, that should flush 'em out, and you'll hunt 'em down, make sure he never talks to nobody!
Woman: I've tried everything, and I just couldn't keep those extra two-hundred pounds off! It started to affect my marriage.
Husband: She was too big for me, and I'll sleep with anything!
Woman: The Abdomatrix, the Thigh-asizer, tummy stapling, I've had my mouth sewn up, my hands chopped off, you name it, I've tried it!
Husband: Except for exercising and eating right, porky!
Woman: That's right, honey! Then I found The Dormatron! Using a new technology called bio-rhythmic-subconscious-gymnastics, The Dormatron exercises you while you sleep. Just strap in your arms and legs, put on The Dormatron headset, then wrap yourself in the special high-voltage electric blanket. Turn it on to 11 and burn those pounds away while a relaxing nights sleep! Now that I've lost 280 pounds, my husbands all mine again!
Husband: That's right honey, no more escort services for me!
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Lazlow: Belief in what, I mean, look Jeff, I... I admire your passion, really I do, but... what will people be marching for? Wh... what's your rally about?
Jeff: It's about justice, Mr. Low! A chance to shine and make a difference.
Jeff: Look... look, do you wanna help or not?
Lazlow: I don't know what I'm helping!
Jeff: You're helping America! What kind of patriot are you? It's a rally!
Lazlow: You don't know what it's for, do you?
Jeff: It's for hope. Please come, everybody! It'll be real good!
Lazlow: Alright, you fight the power, brother!
Lazlow Jones: What? Hanging out with loads of naked chicks? I mean I see the fun in it, but... I just think that clothes have distinct advantages. Like... like not accidentally cooking yourself, or... or when you're working on a building.
Naked Man on Chatterbox: We're not swingers! It's not about sex! It's about being one with the world.
Asuka Kasen: [for the mission, Two-Faced Tanner] Maria and I have gone shopping. Our source in the police has informed us that one of our drivers is a strangely animated undercover cop! He's more or less useless out of his car, so we've tagged it with a tracer. Make him bleed!
Miguel: [during the mission, Cutting The Grass, after following Curly Bob, he gets out of his taxi to go meet up with Miguel and Catalina at the docks in Portland Harbor] Here comes our little friend, Mr. Big Mouth himself.
Catalina: Were you followed? You know what goes on here is our little secret, amigo.
Curly Bob: No, no, I-I wasn't followed.
Curly Bob: You got my stuff?
Catalina: Here's your SPANK, squealer. Now talk!
Curly Bob: Okay, so the Leone's are fighting wars on two fronts.
Curly Bob: They're in a turf war with the Triads with no sign of either side giving up. Meanwhile, Joey Leone has stirred up some bad blood with the Forellis. Every day they're losing men and influence in the city.
Curly Bob: Salvatore is becoming dangerous and paranoid.
Curly Bob: He suspects everybody and everything.
Catalina: [chuckles] With loyalty like yours, what has he possibly got to worry about?
[she and Miguel leave Curly, then Claude shows up and kills him]
Pedestrian: No family, no respect!