Sealab 2021 (2000–2005)
Harry Goz: Captain Hazel 'Hank' Murphy
Quotes
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[Sparks and Captain Murphy have gone to Hell for killing the SeaLab crew]
Sparks : So how's the lava bath treating you?
Captain Murphy : Oh, you know, mind blowing pain.
Sparks : Oh yeah.
Captain Murphy : How about you?
Sparks : Oh? Ass full of red hot coals.
Captain Murphy : Ass full of red hot coals...
Sparks : Oh yeah.
Captain Murphy : Your entire ass, just packed full of red hot coals?
Sparks : Right to the rim, baby.
Captain Murphy : You lucky bastard.
Sparks : Yeah.
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Sparks : Um, ok, but remember, you'll have the strength of five gorillas.
Debbie DuPree : Why settle for a cat Hesh? You could be a robot... tiger.
Marco : No, no, no! Absolamente no! If I have to be five foot nothing Hesh can't be a tiger!
Captain Murphy : Your not the boss of tiger bot Hesh!
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Captain Murphy : Way to go Sparks, you broke the monitor and you're dead. Happy?
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Derek 'Stormy' Waters : Okay, okay. So, say I put my brain in a robot body and there's a war. Robots versus humans. What side am I on?
Debbie DuPree : Humans! You have a human brain.
Sparks : But... the humans discriminate against you. You can't even vote!
Marco : We'd better not have to live on a reservation. That would really chap my caboose.
Captain Murphy : Yeah, but... nobody knows you're a robot. You look the same.
Debbie DuPree : Uh, uh. Dogs know. That's how the humans hunt you.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters : They're gonna' hunt me? For sport?
Marco : That's why we have to CRUSH mankind! So you might as well get on board for the big win, Stormy.
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Old Gus : The penalty for a robot harming a human will be one thousand years frozen in carbonite!
Derek 'Stormy' Waters : A thousand years frozen in carbonite? It'll be so cold!
Captain Murphy : My nipples are hard just thinking about it.
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Marco : You know, you throw a pretty good punch, Captain.
Captain Murphy : Well, there were a lot of bullies in my neighborhood when I was a kid.
Marco : Your dad got you boxing lessons?
Captain Murphy : No, I just got beat up a lot. So now when I get the chance I like to sucker punch people.
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[Suspecting that a "sick" child has the bubonic plague]
Captain Murphy : I'll bet your lymph nodes are as big as cats!
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Captain Murphy : Save it for Queen Doppelpoppolus!
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Captain Murphy : It's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain!
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[Almost directly taken from Apocalypse Now]
Captain Murphy : Did they say why they want to terminate my command?
Marco : They told me that you had gone totally insane, and that your methods were unsound.
Captain Murphy : Are my methods unsound?
Marco : I don't see any method at all, sir.
Captain Murphy : Are you an assassin?
Marco : I'm a soldier.
Captain Murphy : You're neither. You're an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill. SO WET WILLIE FOR YOU!
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Captain Murphy : [helium voice] Heelllooo... My name is Mr. Squeaky.
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Captain Murphy : Turns out they're... uh...
Bizarro Crew : BIIIZZZAARROOOOOO!
Captain Murphy : [quiet/resigned] Man, I hate the Bizarros.
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Captain Murphy : Until we find the thief, I am declaring Martian law!
Sparks : Um, I think its martial law.
Captain Murphy : Silence! Under Martian law... uh... what are my powers, exactly?
Sparks : Under martial law, you could suspend habeas corpus, empower a posse comitatus...
Captain Murphy : That's crap. Mars is wild, untamed. I'm forming a cadre of Martian knights charged with enforcing Martian law.
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Sparks : And there goes Pod Six.
Debbie DuPree : God, it so depressing.
Captain Murphy : What? Pod Six was jerks!
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[Murphy is finishing a joke]
Captain Murphy : ...and so she goes, "Sixty-nine? You mean you want beef with broccoli?"
[Murphy laughs]
Master Loo : Yeah. Wow, sexist *and* racist. Two in one. You have a gift.
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[Quinn and Stormy are fighting a squid for Murphy's toy oven]
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn : It just wants the oven! If we give it the oven...
Captain Murphy : No! Absolutely not! You are expendable. That oven is not!
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[while on the phone trying to buy golf balls]
Captain Murphy : Look, all I want is some sweet, new balls.
Operator : Excuse me?
Captain Murphy : Aww, clean your ears out, woman! I want some BALLS!
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Captain Murphy : Now, you people find that oven, or die trying. You hear that, Stormy? DIE.
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[Murphy wants to put his brain into a robot body]
Captain Murphy : I just don't know if I want to live a thousand years. Even as an Adrienne Barbeau-bot.
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Captain Murphy : Marco! Hey, buddy, you wanna... I don't know, hang out or play a game?
Marco : I'm a little busy here, sir. Trying to keep a trillion-dollar research station running smoothly.
Captain Murphy : Ooh, fun. I'll be the mommy.
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Captain Murphy : This is Chopper Dave's made-for-TV movie: Blades of Vengeance. See, he's a helicopter pilot by day, but by night he fights crime... as a werewolf.
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[Murphy has sent the crew to salvage treasure from a wrecked ship]
Captain Murphy : No pirates, they're paranoid! They've probably got the gold hidden in their butts! Bust open a few skeletons.
Marco : We're not messing with those nasty old skeletons.
[pause]
Captain Murphy : You're an ass.
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[Quinn and Bizarro Debbie are having sex]
Bizarro Quinn : [to Debbie] You wanna make him jealous? Get delicious bizarro revenge, okay? Mmmmm. Delicious.
Debbie DuPree : Get off of me, you disgusting little monster!
Bizarro Quinn : You likey, likey, likey, likey, likey, likey!
Debbie DuPree : Oh, no, no, no, no!
Bizarro Quinn : Bizarro! You can do it! You can do it in there! Just put it... put it in my pants!
Debbie DuPree : Oh, no!
Captain Murphy : That's it, resist his charms.
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[Discussing what they would have if their brains were in robots]
Captain Murphy : Wait a minute, he gets eye beams, but I can't get x-ray vision?
Sparks : Okay... everybody gets x-ray vision.
Captain Murphy : Yeah, and big chainsaw hands!
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Captain Murphy : Quiet, fignuts!
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[the crew discusses what it will be like when they all become robots]
Marco : I can chew nails and shoot them out as bullets right?
Sparks : Nails, chains, you won't have titanium teeth for nothing.
Captain Murphy : Nails are like candy to robots, and we'll eat tires instead of licorice.
Debbie DuPree : [laughs] No we won't.
Captain Murphy : Maybe YOU won't!
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Marco : Santa Maria! Captain you cannot punish the crew like this. They will mutiny!
Captain Murphy : I will slaughter them like a wolf among lambs! The seas will run red with the blood of my enemies!
Sparks : Take it easy there Tamberlain, sir.
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Captain Murphy : It's time for the "I Hate Marco Show!"
Radio Singers : I hate Marco, hate Marco, hate Marco, and his mailbox head!
Captain Murphy : Go ahead caller, tell me why you hate Marco.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters : Hi, Howlin' Mad: long time listener, first time caller. The reason I hate Marco is... he's a mailbox head?
Captain Murphy : Oh yeah, real original. Sit on it, Potsie!
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Sparks : Okay, the crew is not gonna take this, Skip. It's like, remember the Caine Mutiny?
Captain Murphy : Caine Mutiny? I love Michael Caine. "Goodnight you princes of SeaLab, you kings of the ocean. People are always asking me, 'Whats it all about, Alfred?'"
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Captain Murphy : Consider yourself zinged!
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Captain Murphy : What you Scrooges need is some eggnog! Plenty'a liquor and nutmeg!
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Captain Murphy : Lady, unless you got a baby up your skirt, tell your story walkin'.
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Captain Murphy : There can be only NONE!
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Captain Murphy : Punch it, ho-bag!
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[seeing a child tourist wearing a Wisconsin cheese-head hat]
Captain Murphy : That boy's head is made of cheese!
Sparks : Uh, I think it's just a hat, sir.
Captain Murphy : Well, still...
Sparks : Still WHAT?
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[Murphy thinks Griff has the bubonic plague]
Griff : There's a bit of a chill in here, don't you think?
Captain Murphy : That chill, my young non-friend, is probably the cold breath of the reaper breathing down your neck.
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Marco : Stormy, get ahold of yourself! Now, use your pincer and grab the squid's tentacle.
Captain Murphy : Oh, yeah, and tell him to cough.
Marco : I said *tentacle*!
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[talking to a scorpion while trapped beneath a vending machine]
Captain Murphy : What's that? You laid your brood of eggs in my navel? That's wonderful! Ben, we're gonna be mommies!
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[speaking on a bullhorn while riding in the "Murph-mobile"]
Captain Murphy : Attention all personnel: the black death is here. The great pestilence is finally upon us. Repent! Repent!
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[Murphy has just prevented Quinn from taking a vacation]
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn : No way! You ain't doing this!
Captain Murphy : I need you here in case Holo Gram gets sucked back into the spirit world.
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn : I have plane tickets! A hotel!
Captain Murphy : Look, what's done is done. There's no reasoning with me.
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Captain Murphy : Screw it! We've got bigger problems than a butter shortage.
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Captain Murphy : [about to have sex] Do you want the moustache on or off?
Debbie DuPree : Off.
Captain Murphy : Too bad.
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Marco : Calm down, I'll see what I can do about finding your little toy.
Captain Murphy : It's not a toy. It makes real cupcakes, with a 40 watt bulb, and there's icing packets. But the secret ingredient is love. Damn it.
Marco : Just try to calm down, go have some pudding.
Captain Murphy : Pudding can't fill the emptiness inside me! But it'll help.
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Captain Murphy : There goes my nipples again!
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Captain Murphy : Under Martian law doctors and other wizards are forbidden!
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Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn : Looks like we're all missing something.
Captain Murphy : That's the whole point. We don't know whose throat to slit?
Sparks : What?
Captain Murphy : What do you mean, what? There a throat that needs slitting, and we don't know where to lay the blade!
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Captain Murphy : I dub thee Sir Phobos, Knight of Mars, beater of ass. Be a hitter, babe.