- Waymon: He couldn't afford the overhead, so he sold it to Henry Yeh!
- Art Chew: Who?
- Waymon: No, Yeh!
- Uncle Wong: Now, his daughter - Helen - owns it!
- Waymon: Helen Yeh.
- Uncle Wong: No, Hu!
- Art Chew: Who?
- Uncle Wong: Yeh! She marry a Hu!
- Art Chew: Helen, who?
- Waymon: Helen Yeh!
- Art Chew: He said, who?
- Uncle Wong: I said, Yeh! She married a Hu!
- Art Chew: So who owns the restaurant, now?
- Waymon: She does!
- Art Chew: Who does?
- Uncle Wong: Dat's what I saaaid!
- Art Chew: Uncle Wong. *Who's* been after the Ancient Peach for years? If she finds it, Shur-Li's finished.
- Uncle Wong: Shirley who's finished?
- Art Chew: I thought you said her name was Helen?
- Waymon: We'd like to see Helen Yeh.
- Hong Kong movie actor: [dubbed over mouthing: "Get fucked!"] Who?
- Art Chew: [into Helen Hu's face] If you do happen to find The Peach, it might be *p*oisonous.
- Helen Hu: [into Art Chew's face] Problems with *p*oor *p*reservation *P*erHAPS.
- Art Chew: [into Helen Hu's face with with increasingly overwhelming spit] That particular primitive peach was *p*icked on *p*rivate *p*roperty where the *p*resence of *p*oison presented the potential problem to its *p*ermeable a*pp*eal. But there's no positive *proof*.
- Art Chew: I, eh, I jus' , I jus' wanna tell you that, um... your beauty surpasses the Autumn moon... rising over the Jade Palace... that serves dim sum from 11:00 to 2:00.
- Uncle Wong: [reading from the script for this film] Says right here. I'm supposed to be an Asian male, 60, slanty-eyed, whimpy, subserviant. Here, right here. Says: non-confrontational, speaks with heavy accent... owns restaurant or laundry if possible. See? I'm just a stereotype!
- Art Chew: One who tricks seeks only to fool himself. I am not fool. It is *you* who are the fool. And that's no trick. You fool.
- One Ton: Words that begin with "H", "Y" and "O" are for offensive moves only... unless they end in a vowel.
- Helen Hu: Give her the Chinese t- ... No! Give her the *Japanese* *torture* *treatment*.
- Sue Shee: Oh, no.
- Lo Fat: Ja-panese? But,
- Helen Hu: Do it!
- Lo Fat: ...but. J-j... yes, boss. Y-yes, boss.
- karaoke guy: [singing badly as karaoke music plays] Come to me sofreee / Turn out de riiight oooh / You are so rovreee / Be mine ton*i*ght oooh...
- Art Chew: You fight in your underwear?
- Jean Fraud Croissant: Y- oui. Some fight without the shirt. I fight without the pants. The better for kicking.
- Art Chew: I'm not takin' my pants off.
- Jean Fraud Croissant: You take something off. Er, fight fair!
- Roy Lee: Why are Chinese secrets always ancient? Why aren't there any... new and improved Chinese secrets?