Interviewer: Half time, and England trail Mexico by 2-0.

Mike: Have you heard what the crowd are fucking shouting? "Fuck Bassett!" "Bassett's a cunt!" "Bassett's a bastard!" "Bassett's a wanker!" They shouldn't be fucking shouting at me, they should be shouting at you, and do you know why? Because it's fucking half-time, and we're fucking 2-0 down to the fucking Mexicans! What the fuck's wrong with you? Get your fucking fingers out! Where's your bottle fucking gone?

[hurls piece of equipment at the goalkeeper]

Mike: And fucking pay attention you cunt, when I'm fucking talking to you! If you don't wanna wear the shirt, fucking take it off! There's thousands of kids out there who'd die to put that fucking shirt on. Get back on the fucking field, show those bastards what you can fucking do, or you can fuck off home on the fucking plane! You got that?

Interviewer: England lose 4-0.

Mike: Ladies and gentlemen. England will be playing Four-Four-Fucking Two.

Interviewer: ...And what would your father say if he could see you now?

Mike: Oh, he'd probably quote Kipling or something, 'Walk with kings and all that' You see, he was like a father figure to me

Interviewer: Well, obviously...

Karine Bassett: [to Camera] Last night Mike had a dream that Bobby Moore was chasing him round Wembley Stadium shouting "Look what you've done you bloody idiot"

Margaret: Mike, here's the squad list, and I've given copies to the press, like you asked.

Mike: Ah, well done, Margaret, thank you... hey, hang on a minute! There's 28 names here, I only picked 26.

Margaret: Well, that was the list you gave me.

Mike: Tony Hedges, York City? I didn't pick him, love.

Margaret: You must have done, Mike. I wouldn't have put him down, otherwise.

Mike: Never heard of him, have I? And who's this clown? Ron Benson, Plymouth Argyle?

Margaret: Look, Mike, they were on the list of players that you gave me!

Mike: [holding up the cigarette box he wrote the squad list on] Oh, come on, love! Show me where it says "Benson and Hedges" on that.

Mike: Alright, Smallsy? Eh, you've got the best part of the dressing room, there - that's Charlton's lucky peg, that is.

Smallsy: Hey, hear that lads? I've got Bobby Charlton's lucky peg!

Mike: No - Jackie's.

Gary Wackett: [Leading the England squad to face the Polish] Let's fucking kill them!

Mike: [Harpsey's phone rings, Mike snatches it off him] Will you *fuck off*?

[throws Harpsey's phone to the floor]

Kevin Tonkinson: [having been arrested for drink-driving] It wasn't my fault, boss, I had to swerve to avoid the traffic!

Mike: Only because you were on the wrong side of the bloody road! How many milligrams did you have?

Kevin Tonkinson: 88.

Mike: 88 bloody milligrams! You go on the piss all day, you've ballooned out like the Pillsbury Doughboy! You've really let me down this time, Tonka, I'm telling you.

Kevin Tonkinson: I wrote an apology, boss!

Mike: Oh, fuck the apology! You could go to jail for this! What sort of system am I going to play then? Three across the middle and one in bloody Pentonville?

Dr. Hans Shoegaarten: [Picking the best players used for a simulation training program] Pele, Maradona and Mark Lawrenson.

Mike: Mark Lawrenson?

Dr. Hans Shoegaarten: We ran out of money.

Kevin Tonkinson: Why aye! It's the England reserves!

Irish player: Shut your mouth, ya proddy bollocks!

Alan Massey: What's the accent for? You're a cockney, you mug!

[last lines]

Interviewer: [after Mike and the team leave the plane] Are you going to stay on?

Mike: Four more years!

[cheers from crowd]

Mike: I'm staying on!

Interviewer: [some time into the credits] Anyone else?

Pelé: Maybe Korea, Japan...

Interviewer: Japan? What about England?

Pelé: Not England though.

Interviewer: But they've qualified, Pelé!

Pelé: England?


Mike: How am I supposed to know. Just do whatever you want.

Kevin Tonkinson: [naked in the pool] Here, lads we've got a jacuzzi

[farts, bubbling the water up; players laugh]

Kevin Tonkinson: And again

[farts again]

Kevin Tonkinson: Oh bollocks, I've shit meself!

[outraged, all the players walk out of the pool]

Jornal do Rio reporter: [in Portuguese] Do you like Mike Bassett?

Ronaldo: [in Portuguese] Who?

Interviewer: [in interviews with Pelé as he refuses to mention England] What about England?