Scrubs (2001–2010)

Sam Lloyd: Ted Buckland, Lawyer

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dr. Cox : Carla you devil I can't help but notice you love telling jokes. What was it you were saying about your coffee?

  Carla : I said 'It's so good it's like crack'.

  [nurses stare] 

  Dr. Cox : Normally you would hear crickets but they were uncomfortable about just how unfunny that was.

  Carla : So what I'm not funny?

  Dr. Cox : I think your very funny when your up on your high horse, you know when you stay right in your wheelhouse. Everyone is funny for something. Barbie is an emotional trainwreck, your husband sells with a cocky attitude...

  Turk : Well you know I do what I do when I do what I do

  Dr. Cox : Alice here sells it with a lost stare, and now that I've said Alice your picturing me as the maid from the Brady Bunch.

  [flash to Cox as the maid] 

  Dr. Cox : Am I right?

  [cut back] 

  Dr. Cox : Then there are people with funny names... Dr. Beardface, Dr. Mickhead, Col. Doctor, Snoop Dogg Intern...

  Snoop Dogg Intern : Yo!

  Dr. Cox : Sorry Snoop Dogg Resident. Laverne believes in God which is hilarious to me and Ted is the hospital sad sack.

  Ted : I am?

  Dr. Cox : Yes

  Ted : Awwwww!

  Dr. Cox : And me well, I'm funny cause I commit. C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T... T

  [points pinky and makes sipping motion] 

  Dr. Cox : . To tell you the truth there is only one person here who is funny no matter what he says.

  Dr. Kelso : Are my new boxers made of wool? Cause my weasel's gettin heat stroke.

  Dr. Cox : The point is *PLEASE* don't tell anymore jokes.

  Ted : I'm not really a sad sack?

  Carla : Ted your pen exploded.

  Ted : [looks at shirt]  Awww!

  [realizes ink got on his hand and now is wiped on his head] 

  Ted : AWWWW MAN!

• Ted : And you know what else? I quit!

  Dr. Kelso : No you don't!

  Ted : Well I'm leaving early today!

  Dr. Kelso : No, you're not! You're coming back to my office to do busy work!

  Ted : Fine, but I'm getting a soda first!

  Dr. Kelso : Whatever.

• Dr. Kelso : And I need you to crunch the numbers on next year's budget.

  Ted : Sir, that would be a job for the accounting department. I'm an attorney.

  Dr. Kelso : Uh-huh, and speaking of crunching, I have been jonesing for some Double-Stuf Oreos all day. Why don't you see if you can't hook me up?

• Dr. Kelso : Ted have you noticed how happy all the minions are lately?

  Ted : I wish I was dead

• Ted : I feel I'd be more productive if my phone dialed out.

• [giving an orientation lecture to the new interns] 

  Ted : And if you perform while under the influence... don't tell the patient. Unless they're dead, and in that case, if you're sure... very, very sure... you can tell them anything.

• [Turk threatens to sue Dr. Kelso] 

  Dr. Kelso : I can make little Dr. Turk action figures. They'll cost $12.95, and when you pull the string it goes "I don't like these posters of me!" Isn't that right, Ned?

  Ted : Oh, definitely, sir. But... from a legal standpoint, you'd be somewhat vulnerable...

  Dr. Kelso : How vulnerable?

  Ted : Sir, that law suit would be over so quickly I would advise you to bring cab fare to the courthouse, since Dr. Turk would be driving your Beamer back to his place.

• Dr. Kelso : Come here, Tom.

  Ted : Actually, it's Ted. But hey, it's only been twelve years.

• Dr. Kelso : I'm being honored tonight by the Board of Trustees, and they asked me to say a few words.

  Dr. Cox : Oh! Yawn.

  Dr. Kelso : Anyway, I would like you to be the one who introduces me.

  Dr. Cox : Wow! Seriously?

  Dr. Kelso : Yeah!

  Dr. Cox : Not interested.

  Dr. Kelso : I didn't ask if you were interested.

  Dr. Cox : Bob, I deeply dislike you. Honestly, it keeps me up at night.

  Dr. Kelso : Well, then, use that passion! Put that rage on the page!

  Dr. Cox : Here's an idea: Why not use Big Chief Flop-Sweat, here?

  Dr. Kelso : [coldly]  Ted's not an impressive man.

  Ted : Hey...! That - Ah, he's right.

• Ted : Yes... no... I'm barely here, sir.

• Ted : [to Kelso]  Walk off, bitch!

  Dr. Cox : How is it, exactly, that you just said that & your pants are still dry?

  Ted : Don't you understand what you did when you addressed those interns?... You took away the fear! You... are a wonderful man... and... I love you.

• Ted : I'll never get a raise without the help of senior staff like yourself.

  Dr. Kelso : Not a chance, Ted.

  Ted : Well you did what you could.

• Janitor : Sorry guys. We won't be going out tonight.

  Ted : Oh man. I ironed my going out hair!

• Ted : [shouting on the phone]  You want to quit? Then quit! But you, sir, are a worthless peon and you will *always* be a worthless peon!

  [hangs up] 

  Ted : Sir, you know my band, The Worthless Peons? Well, Chris from Shipping & Receiving wants to go solo! If we lose him, we'll lose our sex appeal. He's the only one with hair! What do you think I should do?

  Dr. Kelso : Ted, you know my rule about personal problems - I'm not interested unless it involves my loved ones. Or possibly my wife.

  [hands Ted a file] 

  Dr. Kelso : Do lawyer stuff to that.

• J.D. : I have a quick legal question. What if... hypothetically...

  Ted : Oh, God, you killed someone!

  J.D. : No!

  Ted : Someone else did?

• Janitor : [Janitor wants to go out with Elliot and asks Ted for advice]  How did you get a girlfriend?

  Ted : I became friends with her best friend.

  Janitor : How'd you do that?

  Ted : I pretended to be her dad and rented her a car.

  Ted : [Janitor looks surprised]  I lost my hair in the 8th grade.