Ian: Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you are born to stand out?

Daphne Reynolds: [to Clarissa] My evil stepsister, you've seen Cinderella, right? Let me clue you in, I win.

Jocelyn Dashwood: No hugging, dear. I'm British. We only show affection to dogs and horses.

Henry Dashwood: I think I owe you a rather large apology.

Libby Reynolds: Do you think I've waited 17 years for an apology?

Henry Dashwood: I'm not explaining this very well, am I?

Daphne Reynolds: No, not really. But I'm having fun watching you try.

Henry Dashwood: So are you and Daphne...

Ian: Yeah, we're eloping. I know it's rather sudden but after last night, there was no going back.

Henry Dashwood: You are joking aren't you?

Ian: Yes, of course.

Clarissa: Oh, very you, lovely. So Henry asked us to give you a few pointers, didn't he? Well, pointer number 1: go home. Mother and I belong here and it's quite clear you just don't fit in. And pointer number 2: while you're packing, keep your grimy little Yankee paws off Armistead Stuart, he's mine.

Daphne Reynolds: If you take your nose out of the air for one second you'll see you're designer, I'm vintage. You've got a mansion, I've got a five floor walkup. You're a snotty little miss cranky pants and I go with the flow, so why would you ever think for one second that I'd ever have the same taste in guys? So here's a little pointer for you. Get over yourself and stop trying to be my daddy's little girl because I'm not going anywhere.

Glynnis Payne: Now Daphne, we don't want to make a scene now, do we?

Libby Reynolds: Take your hand off my daughter or you won't get a scene, you'll get a Broadway Musical!

Glynnis Payne: Oh, put a cork in it, Clarissa.

Clarissa: Maybe someone should've put a cork in it seventeen years ago.

Henry Dashwood: You like Coco Puffs?

Daphne Reynolds: It's chocolate! Need I say more?

Glynnis Payne: [Takes a bite of her eggs] These eggs are positively glacial. When I run this house, senile servants will be the first thing to go.

Clarissa: You'd have to get around the old bat somehow. She'd never allow it.

Jocelyn Dashwood: [Enters the room] Anyone seen my pruning shears? The *old bat* seems to have forgotten where she put them.

Henry Dashwood: For me, it's just a stop on the campaign trail, and for Glynnis it's a chance to launch Clarissa on society.

Daphne Reynolds: Launch her? You make her sound like a ship.

Henry Dashwood: No, in Clarissa's case it's more like an intercontinental ballistic missile.

Daphne Reynolds: [seeing her mother's outfit] Are you actually wearing a bra?

Henry Dashwood: Alistair, you've lied to me, I know you lied to Libby, so you'll forgive me if I don't give a flying fart in space what you think!

Henry Dashwood: Sorry, did you just say you've known about this your whole life?

Daphne Reynolds: Yeah?

Jocelyn Dashwood: Good. Well, now we've got that settled... How about some tea and a nice piece of fruitcake?

Henry Dashwood: But your mother didn't feel I deserved the same consideration?

Jocelyn Dashwood: [Quietly] No to the fruitcake, then.

Henry Dashwood: [shouts] How could she keep something like this from me?

Glynnis Payne: Excuse me, but what happened to the mistake theory we were operating on a moment ago?

Daphne Reynolds: [Daphne turns to leave]

Jocelyn Dashwood: No, wait a minute, Ducky!

Glynnis Payne: Darling, darling, all I'm saying is before we let this hypothetical daughter blow your political career out of the water, we might at least consider doing some checking up on her.

Henry Dashwood: Now, checking up for what?

Glynnis Payne: I don't know... criminal record, blood type, triple sixes on her skull.

Henry Dashwood: Glynnis, she has a birth certificate, she has my photograph and she has my eyes.

Henry Dashwood: I hope you find you sleeping arrangements conducive to...

Daphne Reynolds: Henry, all it takes is sweet dreams.

Daphne Reynolds: [after everything has happened] The truth is sometimes things aren't exactly what you always imagined... they're even better!

Clarissa: I can't believe that little impostor is going to ruin my summer!

Fiona: She may be a lot of things, but I can't believe impostor is one of them. Technically, she's 39th in line to the throne.

Clarissa: Really, Fiona. 38 people would have to die for her to be queen.

Jane: Well, it's far less than the 72 you'd need.

Clarissa: Hmph!

Daphne Reynolds: Every year I would wish if that I was good enough you would come and find me.

Daphne Reynolds: [to Ian] I better go. Everyone's just waiting for me to mess up again.

Daphne Reynolds: Let's get the party started!

Ian: No.

Daphne Reynolds: Come on, why not?

Ian: Well, first of all I could get fired; and second of all, I could get fired!

Daphne Reynolds: Oh come on!

Ian: No. No, no!

Daphne Reynolds: Wimp.

Ian: No. No!

Daphne Reynolds: For me?

[bats eyelashes flirtatiously]

Ian: [grins] Okay. Let's do it.

Glynnis Payne: Darling, we have to get Lubby here an escort.

Daphne Reynolds: It's Libby, and why doesn't he just ask her himself?

[Regarding Henry Dashwood's familiy mansion]

Daphne Reynolds: It's bigger than our entire apartment and the Chinese restaurant downstairs and the dry cleaner down the street; it makes the White House look like a McDonalds!

Henry Dashwood: Remember when I told you how groovy I used to be?

[talking about Daphne]

Armistead's friend: I'd let her dump tea in my harbor anytime.

Clarissa: I will, absolutely,

[hangs up phone]

Clarissa: not.

Jocelyn Dashwood: [to Daphne] Everybody's rooting for you to fail. That's what makes it fun.

Peach Orwood: [nervous; with her sister, Pear] I'm Peach, she's Pear. You see, our mother was slightly obsessed with fruits. We have a sister named Parsnip... she doesn't get out much.

Glynnis Payne: Until then we have to keep up appearances. Look what happened to Olivia Nixon when she went to China last summer.

Clarissa: Who's Olivia Nixon?

Glynnis Payne: Exactly.

Daphne Reynolds: [to Armistead Stuart] You know, I really wish you would pull your lip over your head and swallow it.

Libby Reynolds: I love you a million Swedish Fish.

Daphne Reynolds: I love you a million red M&M's.

Daphne Reynolds: I had you down as an all bran man.

Daphne Reynolds: Hey! What are you doing here?

Ian: You know, just another one of my glamourous jobs.

Daphne Reynolds: Oh.

Clarissa: [after Daphne walks out in the fashion show] Holy poo on toast.

Clarissa: [Sees Daphne fall over the wall] Did you see that?

Glynnis Payne: What?

Clarissa: An impossibly large bird falling off that wall.

Glynnis Payne: Are you hallucinating?

[Waves her hand in front of her face]

Armistead Stuart: Women are just drawn to me. It's something I happen to be blessed with. An Indefinable quality that just relaxes them, fascinates them. You're feeling it now, aren't you, Dabney?

Daphne Reynolds: It's Daphne.

Armistead Stuart: [Moves his hand to her lower back]

Daphne Reynolds: And let me guess, you're feeling it in my backside?

[Pulls his hand back up]

Ian: Looking for me?

Daphne Reynolds: Oh, no. I was just looking for the loo!

Ian: Outside? On the terrace?

Daphne Reynolds: [Mouths] Oh.

Jocelyn Dashwood: I hope it makes you feel like a princess.

Glynnis Payne: I know my daddy was naughty, but what about me?

Clarissa: That girl is totally barbaric!

Clarissa: Seems you had a better time in Morocco than you let on.

Clarissa: You'd think they'd choose debs who actually had ankles. Those look like baked hams.

Alistair Payne: Oh, my giddy aunt!

Uncredited: What a disgrace!

Uncredited: Must be American.

Daphne Reynolds: [looks at the tiara] It's so royal.

[Henry has just withdrawn his candidacy for Prime Minister and has decided to go back to Daphne and Libby]

Alistair Payne: Are you out of your mind? I worked this hard to get you where you are, and now you're throwing it away!

Henry Dashwood: Alistair, you lied to me. And I know you lied to Libby.

Alistair Payne: [outraged] *Libby?* I was protecting your career, I was saving your family's reputation! When I found out that that girl was pregnant, I knew I was doing the right thing!

Henry Dashwood: [beat] You knew about Daphne?

Alistair Payne: Of course, I *knew*! It's *my job* to know!

[Henry punches Alistair in the face]

Jocelyn Dashwood: [to Daphne] The crown does not make the queen... .It's whats in here.

[points at her heart]

Jocelyn Dashwood: [to a depressed Henry; after Daphne returns to the United States] Our family has lost a piece of themselves, limbs, eyes, and ears, for their country. Don't follow in that glorious legacy, Henry. Do you know what you're going to lose?... Your Heart.