31 July 2004 | ProfessorPeach
Avoid at all costs
I just saw the DVD of this and I belive it to be the biggest waste of aluminium and polycarbonate issued in years. Now, let me get this straight: I love low-budget films. I love really gory, gross-out films. I love horror anthologies. I also used to be a goth for several years. Sadly, this film does a grave disservice to all of the above (no pun intended). The film was produced on DV and therefore looks home-made. The fact that the budget didn't extend to getting it transferred to film says a lot. Sure, there's nothing that says films can't be low-budget and many people have made some excellent pieces using little more than a home DV camera. The difference is that most people don't usually try and pass them off as feature films.
The plot attempts to tie four small stories into some kind of cohesive whole, but the fact is that most of these segments don't really make much sense. Only the "sick room" plot holds your attention and looks as if it might be going somewhere interesting, but then it spectacularly drops the ball with the sub-Twilight Zone predictability of its denouement.
The dialogue is a low point amongst a sea of low points. Expletives are clumsily dropped into scenes, giving the impression of the writer somehow trying to prove how grown-up the film is.
Acting throughout is mostly appalling. I mean, really bad. The usual-suspect rent-a-goths Emily Booth and Eileen Daly give the type of performances that will see them typecast in this kind of tripe until they no longer look good semi-naked. As for Dani Filth, his virtually-silent role merely gives him the opportunity to carry over his stage persona and- if possible- look an even bigger berk than usual.
As for the effects- well, if indeed Creature FX really were involved, then I can't see that they got paid more than twenty quid for their contribution. There is shocking gore, yes, but only shockingly bad. It almost made me laugh, but I was so depressed by the rest of the experience I couldn't raise a smile. Oh, and the CGI is truly, deeply, totally unspeakable. This is not one of those films that's so bad it's good, so don't get taken in by that line of reasoning.
In my experience, the music and imagery of Cradle Of Filth appeals mainly to young, oh-so-rebellious just-turned-teenagers and goth/metal fans who take themselves far too seriously. If this describes you, you'll probably love this film. If it doesn't, then don't insult your own intelligence and just walk away...