Girl #1: My mom and dad are very religious. At night I hear them scream "Jesus"!
Ollie: "Cats" is the second-worst thing that ever happened to New York City.
Maya: Forget about what you thought you were and just accept who you are.
Ollie: Isn't that cute? It's 8 o'clock and you both get a bottle.
Ollie: Why don't you go get yourself a boyfriend?
Maya: Why don't you go get yourself a girlfriend?
Ollie: I spend all day working and spend all night with my kid.
Maya: So you would rather spend time with your daughter than get laid?
Maya: That's sweet. I'm kind of crushing on you, Trinke.
Gertrude Steiney: [very pregnant Gertrude is getting ready for the VMAs] You try getting ready quickly when you look like this! I'm so fat and there's gonna be nothing but beautiful skinny girls there!
Ollie: That's because they're all coked-out whores, honey.
Gertrude Steiney: [now crying] I wanna be a coked-out whore!
Ollie: [having just been asked to come to the bar with Gertie and Bart] No, that's OK, I'll stay here and do the dishes. I only cooked, why shouldn't I clean?
Bart: Suit yourself. Don't wash that pan, I got a nice layer of juice built up for the pork roll, and I don't want you scrubbing it off.
Ollie: That 'juice' is called grease, dad. It's bad for you. It clogs your arteries.
Bart: It's called 'juice'. And it greases your father's insides so he can better swallow the shit his son feeds him twice a year, when he can be bothered to come to visit him.
Gertie: Punch it, Chewie.
Ollie: [to Gertie] You're the only thing I was ever good at.
Maya: That was kinda sweet. I'm kinda crushin' on you right now, Trinke.
Ollie: George Michael is all about the ladies. "I want your sex". Does that sound like he's singing to a guy?
Ollie: Convincing a town to approve something that's already in their best interest, that's just delayed common sense!
Boy #5: Okay, it's like this. My dog ate my paper. I checked, but he didn't poop it out.
Bart: Try acting like a father, shit-head.
Maya: Man cannot live on porn alone.
Boy #3: My Mom says my Dad has brown eyes because he is full of shit.
[Gertie and Ollie are at a video store]
Gertie: You should be a dance teacher, like Johnny in "Dirty Dancing."
Ollie: l should? Should l say, ''Nobody puts Baby in a corner''?
Gertie: Oh, can we rent "Dirty Dancing" again?
Ollie: Ohh... "Dirty Dancing" ranks one notch below "Cats" in my book. Can you pick out something else?
Gertie: Can we rent this?
[gives Ollie the box to "Men in Black"]
Ollie: [while examining the movie] Absolutely not. Go pick out something from the children's section.
Gertie: All those movies suck!
Ollie: Watch your language!
[Ollie grabs a video from the adult video section]
Doctor #1: [informs Ollie the bad news] Ollie...
Ollie: lf l don't get to go in there right now... l swear to God!
Doctor #1: Ollie... Ollie, calm down.
Ollie: Fuck you, calm down! Okay? l got dragged out of there, l haven't got to see my baby!
Doctor #1: Your baby is fine. She's healthy, she's normal.
Ollie: What's wrong with Gertie?
Doctor #1: l need you to calm down before l...
Ollie: Look, l'm calm! Okay?
[heaves an exasperated sigh]
Ollie: l'm calm.
Doctor #1: We think Gertie had an aneurysm.
Ollie: ls she OK?
Doctor #1: We lost her, Ollie. The strain of the contractions and the pushing caused the aneurysm to rupture. There are rarely symptoms for aneurysms...
Ollie: [the dialogue fades out as the song "That's How I Knew This Story Would Break My Heart'' by Aimee Mann starts to play. Ollie breaks down and sinks to the floor, crying]