Will Smith: What's your daughter's name?

Ollie: Gertrude.

Will Smith: Damn, why'd you do that man?

Gertie: I hate you! I hate you! I wish you died, not MOMMY!

Ollie: I hate you right back you little shit! You and your mom took my life away from me. I just want it back!

Girl #1: My mom and dad are very religious. At night I hear them scream "Jesus"!

Ollie: "Cats" is the second-worst thing that ever happened to New York City.

[after talking to Gertie, after finding her with Brian without their pants on]

Ollie: Do you have any questions about what you saw?

Gertie: [thinking hard] Do you have what Brian has?

Ollie: Yes.

Gertie: [after thinking hard again] Is it as big as his?

Ollie: Sadly, yes.

Ollie: Come on, Dad. Don't you wanna live alone again?

Bart: Not as much as I don't wanna die alone.

Maya: Forget about what you thought you were and just accept who you are.

Ollie: Isn't that cute? It's 8 o'clock and you both get a bottle.

Ollie: Why don't you go get yourself a boyfriend?

Maya: Why don't you go get yourself a girlfriend?

Ollie: I spend all day working and spend all night with my kid.

Maya: So you would rather spend time with your daughter than get laid?

Ollie: Yeah.

Maya: That's sweet. I'm kind of crushing on you, Trinke.

[last lines]

Gertie: Thank you, Daddy.

Ollie: Anything for you, Gert. You know why?

Gertie: Why?

Ollie: 'Cause you're the only thing I was ever really good at.

Gertrude Steiney: [very pregnant Gertrude is getting ready for the VMAs] You try getting ready quickly when you look like this! I'm so fat and there's gonna be nothing but beautiful skinny girls there!

Ollie: That's because they're all coked-out whores, honey.

Gertrude Steiney: [now crying] I wanna be a coked-out whore!

Maya: I do it at least twice a day.

Ollie: Good God!

Ollie: [having just been asked to come to the bar with Gertie and Bart] No, that's OK, I'll stay here and do the dishes. I only cooked, why shouldn't I clean?

Bart: Suit yourself. Don't wash that pan, I got a nice layer of juice built up for the pork roll, and I don't want you scrubbing it off.

Ollie: That 'juice' is called grease, dad. It's bad for you. It clogs your arteries.

Bart: It's called 'juice'. And it greases your father's insides so he can better swallow the shit his son feeds him twice a year, when he can be bothered to come to visit him.

Gertie: Punch it, Chewie.

Bryan: [reading his paper] My mom says my dad's eyes are brown because he's so full of sh - .

Teacher: [interrupts him before he swears] Bryan!

Ollie: [to Gertie] You're the only thing I was ever good at.

[first lines]

Teacher: Everyone, please take your seats. You heard the bell. You know what it means. Last week, the assignment was to write an essay about your family. Who they...

Teacher: [class: "Are!"] And what they...

Teacher: [class: "Mean to us!"] Excellent droning.

Bart: Sun even shines on a dog's ass some days.

Greenie: You gettin' a dog?

Maya: That was kinda sweet. I'm kinda crushin' on you right now, Trinke.

Ollie: George Michael is all about the ladies. "I want your sex". Does that sound like he's singing to a guy?

Ollie: They're just skinny because they're coked out whores.

Gertrude Steiney: [sobbing] I wanna' be a coked-out whore!

Ollie: Okay. You can be a coked-out whore. You can be a coked-out, coked-out whore.

Bart: If Gertie could see the shit you've been pulling.

Ollie: Gertie can't see anything, Dad. She's dead.

Bart: That's right, she is. But you ain't. And neither is that kid.

Ollie: Convincing a town to approve something that's already in their best interest, that's just delayed common sense!

Boy #5: Okay, it's like this. My dog ate my paper. I checked, but he didn't poop it out.

Bart: Try acting like a father, shit-head.

Maya: Man cannot live on porn alone.

Boy #3: My Mom says my Dad has brown eyes because he is full of shit.

Will Smith: 'Ey, you Brickman?

Ollie: No. I'm just a guy who'd rather play in the dirt with his kid.

Gertie: Did Mommy like New York?

Ollie: Yeah, she loved it.

Gertie: Then I guess I will too.

Bart: You know, you really had me scared for a moment there.

Ollie: Awww, who knew. All these years you were nursing a little stage fright!

Bart: Not that, smart-ass.

[Gertie and Ollie are at a video store]

Gertie: You should be a dance teacher, like Johnny in "Dirty Dancing."

Ollie: l should? Should l say, ''Nobody puts Baby in a corner''?

Gertie: Oh, can we rent "Dirty Dancing" again?

Ollie: Ohh... "Dirty Dancing" ranks one notch below "Cats" in my book. Can you pick out something else?

Gertie: Can we rent this?

[gives Ollie the box to "Men in Black"]

Ollie: [while examining the movie] Absolutely not. Go pick out something from the children's section.

Gertie: All those movies suck!

Ollie: Watch your language!

[Ollie grabs a video from the adult video section]

[Maya arrives at the front door]

Gertie: [to Maya] Hey! You're the lady from the video store.

Ollie: Let's not use that term too loosely, okay? Go back and watch your video.

Doctor #1: [informs Ollie the bad news] Ollie...

Ollie: lf l don't get to go in there right now... l swear to God!

Doctor #1: Ollie... Ollie, calm down.

Ollie: Fuck you, calm down! Okay? l got dragged out of there, l haven't got to see my baby!

Doctor #1: Your baby is fine. She's healthy, she's normal.

Ollie: What's wrong with Gertie?

Doctor #1: l need you to calm down before l...

Ollie: Look, l'm calm! Okay?

[heaves an exasperated sigh]

Ollie: l'm calm.

Doctor #1: We think Gertie had an aneurysm.

Ollie: ls she OK?

Doctor #1: We lost her, Ollie. The strain of the contractions and the pushing caused the aneurysm to rupture. There are rarely symptoms for aneurysms...

Ollie: [the dialogue fades out as the song "That's How I Knew This Story Would Break My Heart'' by Aimee Mann starts to play. Ollie breaks down and sinks to the floor, crying]