Jessica Spencer , April: Boys are cheats and liars, they're such a big disgrace. They will tell you anything to get to second base... ball, baseball he thinks he's gonna score. If you let him go all the way then you are a hor... ticulture studies flowers, geologist studies rocks. The only thing a guy wants from you is a place to put his cock... roaches, beetles, butterflies and bugs. Nothing makes him happier than a giant pair of jug... glers and acrobats, a dancing bear named Chuck. All guys really want to do is - forget it, no such luck.
Korean Mother: Ling Ling, you forgot your bling bling.
Jessica (Clive): [after kissing April] I am so lesbian right now.
[Jessica (Clive) to Jake while calling for April]
Jessica (Clive): Too late dude, she's with me right now. She says that my peepee's way bigger than yours. And that's if I fold it in half.
Bongo Player: You can put your weed in there.
Bathroom Attendant: Just remember, you shake it more than twice you're playing with it.
Clive (Jessica): I'll make you a deal. You just let me make another 500 bucks tonight, OK. Then, I'll give you your body back because it soooo important to you.
Clive (Jessica): Waa waa I'm crying about my body... And then, you can just loan it to me every other weekend so I can pay off some gambling debts.
Venetia: I wish my momma bought me some bling-bling.
Jessica (Clive): April, do you remember in second grade when you moved here from Arkansas? And everyone made fun of you and threw rocks at you, 'cuz you talked funny and your front two teeth were brown. I was your only friend. I gave you that locket, round your neck, when your grandmother was sick. You said, you said...
April: We'd be bestest friends forever.
[after Jake asks April for a second chance]
April: I'm sorry. But I'm kind of into that new boyfriend smell.
Korean Mother: You're not ashamed of me. You're really ashamed of yourself. Tell Lulu, easy on the chronic.
[a stripper has recognized "Clive" and punches Jessica hard]
Clive (Jessica): Oooh. Nice one!
Pole Cat Stripper: Bastard! You got a lot of nerve coming back here!
Jessica (Clive): But I didn't...
Jessica (Clive): What was that all about?
Clive (Jessica): Do you believe I get to share a locker with that!
Jessica Spencer: Look at these earrings. I'll be the envy of every girl at prom. Not like that was in jeopardy or anything.
[April sighs in disgust]
Long-haired Jock: Aren't you that chick who's having sex with that college guy?
Eden: [annoyed] NO.
Long-haired Jock: Wanna be?
Jessica (Clive): She's not interested, so why don't you just back off?
Long-haired Jock: Oh, OK. GRANDPA. What are you, a pimp and these are your skank hoes!
[Jessica slaps him hard]
Long-haired Jock: You and me, right now, lets go.
Jessica (Clive): Where are we going?
Clive (Jessica): [Walking into the bathroom after he has turned into Jessica] WHERE'S MY...?
Ling Ling: Out of all the Korean liquor stores, why did my dad have to walk into that one?
[Clive is in a sauna surrounded by attractive women]
Clive (Jessica): I hear it's... uh... good for the skin if you take your towel off.
[the women all get up to leave]
Clive (Jessica): Hey! Where ya goin'? I'll see you in the shower.
[Notices that there is one other woman left]
Clive (Jessica): Hey there.
Lulu: Minimum wage for a maximum loser!
Jessica (Clive): This is by far the worse day of my life!
Jessica (Clive): You know, they should come with a warning. Earrings may come with *penis!*
Bathroom Attendant: [while Jessica/Clive is trying to pee] You got to hold onto it. Not too tight, but enough to let it know you the boss.
Bathroom Attendant: I told him to stay away from the calamari. Some folks think they can eat anything that crawls
Jessica (Clive): [after ripping the guy's ponytail off] You think you're so cool 'cause you can pee with your penis. Get a new conditioner, your ends are totally SPLIT!
Jessica Spencer: You're the only boy who makes my heart beat faster and slower at the same time.
[Clive, in Jessica's body, looks at a box of tampons frantically]
Clive (Jessica): I gotta do WHAT?
Stan Thomas: If you ruin April's night, I will have you put away.
Richie Spencer: [after beating Jessica/Clive-as-Taquito in basketball] Let me make you feel a little more at home... GOAL!
Jessica (Clive): It's me, Jessica!
Bathroom Attendant: See that fly? Aim for it.
Eden: Thanks for sticking up for me, now go kick his ass.