[after catching his daughter dating a teenage boy]
George Lopez: From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!
[Carmen enters the kitchen in frustration]
Carmen Lopez: Hahhhh.
George Lopez: Carmen, it's okay, you're beautiful on the inside, they all don't hate you, you'll find something you're good at, there'll be other boys, you probably need some time alone, see you tomorrow morning honey.
Carmen Lopez: Dad, I went to, like, fifteen stores at the mall. Nobody wants to give me a job.
George Lopez: Since when are you looking for a job?
Carmen Lopez: Well, I just got my learner's permit so I'm trying to save up for a car.
George Lopez: My baby's growing up.
[kisses her head]
George Lopez: Seems like just yesterday you were my little girl on the tricycle. Now you're gonna be a young woman in a car, running over a little girl on the tricycle.
Angie Lopez: You think your only contribution to this family is a paycheck?
George Lopez: That's my job in this family, Angie. When I was a kid my mom always complained about how there wasn't a man around to help her with the bills. Look, a man isn't a man unless he's a provider. I'm a hunter! I'm a provider!
Angie Lopez: A hunter? You can't even give the dog eye-drops!
George Lopez: If he looked away I could.
Drive-Thru clown head: How can I hell you?... You like a fren frie?... One minute plee... Que es fountain drink? A soda? Why you no say soda, stupid?
[having a father-daughter talk while driving]
Carmen: Where are we going?
George: I just want to talk. And the first thing I want to say is I should've punished Max a lot more than I did.
Carmen: [sarcastically] Well, I should call the newspaper. "George Lopez Admits When He's Wrong."
George: [murmur] Be the adult, be the adult.
George: Ok look, maybe I went easier on Max because I know why he peeped. I was a boy. I get that. I don't get you anymore. I did when you were a little girl 'cause you were just like a little boy except you never got caught on your zipper.
Carmen: Well, I'm not a little boy or a little girl anymore. I'd like a little privacy. And I'd like some respect.
George: That's fair.
Carmen: And I'd like my feelings listened to.
George: Ooh, that's a tough one.
George: Because everything's a crisis with you. There are no small problems.
George: I'm on overload, Carmen. I mean, I thought teenagers were supposed to lock themselves in their rooms and never talk to their parents. I was kinda looking forward to that.
Carmen: Well, I'm sorry I tell you all my problems.
George: No, you shouldn't be. I have to get better at this.
George: Look, I promise to start listening to your feelings if you promise not to have so MANY of them.
George: And don't ever think I love Max more than I love you. 'Cause that's not right.
Carmen: [voice breaking] Okay.
George: Why are you crying?
Carmen: I'm happy.
George: [voice breaking] I got you this cellphone to make up for everything. Stop crying.
Carmen: [crying] Oh my god. It's a cellphone! (hugs George)
[to the car beside him at the light]
George: [crying] Hey, what are you looking at? We're feeling in here!
George: Go, man! The light's green.
George Lopez: Whapah!
George Lopez: Dammit, I can never do nothing!
George Lopez: This is LA. You wanna learn Spanish? Take the bus.
George Lopez: [Benny falls asleep from being drunk] Okay, hear me out. We have eight hours 'til she comes to. We can get her deep into Mexico. We'll put her in a Pikachu costume. We'll leave her with a stick and a note that says: "Beat me. I have candy inside."
George Lopez: [answering phone] Powers Brothers Aviation. May I help you?
George Lopez: It's for you.
Marisol: Hello? Hey, Junior. Nah, that's that fool I was telling you about. No, it's okay. I could talk. I know, huh! I know, huh! I know, huh!
[George hangs up the phone]
Marisol: Hey, that wasn't cool!
George Lopez: I know, huh!
George Lopez: We're gonna start with a different game tonight. It's called "Bombshells." In the suburbs, it's called "You might wanna sit down for this. It's a shocker." In the hood, it's called "Oh, no you didn't!"
George Lopez: [seeing Benny's breast implants] My God, Mom! You swallowed a bouncy house!
George Lopez: Look, I made a commitment to corn 17 years ago. Sure, I'm a man. I like to go to a barbecue and see beans that I like: baked beans, red beans, black beans, big plump garbanzos. But in the end, I always come home to my sweet, sweet corn.
[when their daughter is late from school]
George Lopez: Okay, I'm here. Have you found Carmen yet?
Angie Lopez: No, And I'm worried sick. It's her first day at a new school, and she should've been home an hour ago.
George Lopez: Come on, it's an hour. She's got no money. She's got no friends. She's probably walking around the mall crying.
George Lopez: Orale.
Carmen Lopez: You said we're not allowed to watch TV.
George Lopez: Well, this is different. This is for Jason's baseball career.
Carmen Lopez: Well, what if there was something about poetry on TV and I wanted to watch it.
George Lopez: We watch something about poetry on TV every year. It's called How The Grinch Stole Christmas.
Carmen Lopez: What?
George Lopez: It rhymes.
Jason: I like the dog with the antlers.
George Lopez: I know. It's classic.
George Lopez: Sabes que, I'm gonna solve this the Lopez way.
George Lopez: Ta loca!
George Lopez: I'd shake his hand, but I think that's what's holding up his pants.
George Lopez: Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!
Carmen Lopez: Hey, I'm gonna be a good driver, but I really need my own car.
George Lopez: Y'know, look, if you really want a car that bad I could help you find a job.
Carmen Lopez: Really? Where? Please tell me it's the record store, the clothing store. Oh my god, is it a receptionist at a male modeling agency?
George Lopez: Well, I could make a phone call. Y'know after I stopped modeling, I did keep up my contacts.
[primping in a mirror]
George Lopez: And Travis, so, owes me.
Carmen Lopez: Dad.
[her father in a primping zone]
Carmen Lopez: Daaaad.
George Lopez: Huh?
Carmen Lopez: Where's the job?
George Lopez: I'll talk to Mr. Carillo.
Carmen Lopez: Mr. No! Not Mr. Carillo! I don't wanna work in some crappy dive folding burritos!
George Lopez: Hey, I work there all through high school, okay. You'd be lucky to have a boss like Mr. Carillo.
Carmen Lopez: What if one of my friends see me working there?
George Lopez: Hey, it'd less embarrassing than being a senior and rollerskating to all the parties.
Carmen Lopez: Okay, I'll do it.
George Lopez: I don't know what to do about Max, Angie! Last year he was up waiting for Santa, and this year him and his little friends on the roof jacking his sleigh! God knows what Carmen will do with the elves...
George Lopez: I don't wanna be the bigger person! I wanna be small and mean... like a scorpion. I'll be like that...
[imitates a scorpion waving its pincers]
George Lopez: Then I get you all distracted by my pincers. Oh, but you forgot about my tail. Whapah!
Angie Lopez: ...when you sting her, your tail's gonna fall off and you'll die.
George Lopez: That's bees. You don't know nothin'. I win.
Angie Lopez: [to Max] Remember Sammy the Skater, the little penguin with the little helmet?
[singing a jolly jingle]
Angie Lopez: You can still be rad when you wear your helmet and your elbow pads.
George Lopez: You know what else Sammy the Skater sings, Angie?
[sings a song to the tune of Pop Goes the Weasel]
George Lopez: Shut up, shut up, you're makin' it worse. Now, meet me in the kitchen.
Angie Lopez: [Viewing Benny's breast implants] So, you think those are what men really want?
Benny: Why don't you ask your dad? He hasn't taken his eyes off them since he got here.
Vic Palermo: I'm only viewing them as a doctor.
Benny: And what is the good doctor's opinion?
Vic Palermo: Oh, they're yummy!
Angie Lopez: Daddy!
George Lopez: [showing off his grill] Rotisserie attachment. Do I need it? No. Do I use it? No. Happy I got it? You bet your ass.
George Lopez: One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair.
Vic Palermo: Ay dios mio!
George Lopez: When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!
George Lopez: At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.
George Lopez: Smell your program. Smell it!
George Lopez: [repeated line, indicating pain] Aye way!
George Lopez: You 'member, 'member?