Nine Lives

Sometimes you just wish that you had stopped to look up a movie on IMDb before you actually sit down to watch it. But then again, the fact that the movie had Paris Hilton on the cover should be more than sufficient to raise the alarm signals.

Yet, I ended up watching the 2002 movie "Nine Lives" from writer and director Andrew Green anyway. Why? Well, solely because it was listed as a horror movie, and also because it was a movie that I hadn't already seen. So of course, I gave the movie a shot, even though Paris Hilton was in it.

And as it turned out - as I had dreaded - the movie was a complete waste of time.

The storyline told in "Nine Lives" was just mundane and boring. I mean, there was literally nothing interesting in the entire movie, yet I kept hanging in there, hoping for something of any worth to take place on the screen. I was sorely disappointed and just wasted my time. I am amazed at how it is possible to write such a bland and boring storyline.

And the acting in the movie was, for the most parts, actually fair enough. Sure, it was by no means award-winning performances, and some managed to do better than others, none mentioned, none forgotten. But the actors and actresses were indeed severely hindered by a lack of proper writing, script and characters to work with.

For a horror movie, then "Nine Lives" didn't cut it. In fact, it didn't even make it off of the starting line. This was anything but scary in every part.

My rating of "Nine Lives" lands on a generous two out of ten stars, based mostly on the effort they put into the movie and the production value. Some of us suffered from a movie such as this so you don't have to. Take heed, and don't waste your time, money or effort on this one. I guarantee that once you make it through this movie, you'll only have one life left.

There is a tv commercial in which a group of teenagers stop at an old farm only to find that they are being stalked by a madman , one suggests that they get in their car and drive away - they reject that idea and then decide to hide in the barn behind the huge array of chainsaws hanging there. The characters in this movie make those idiots look brilliant.

I've watched a lot a very, very bad movies. I can usually find some small redeeming quality that makes say "hey, I've seen worse".

Bad acting, horrible screenplay and the cheesy "shot with an iPhone" look really made this one of the worst things I've ever seen and it had no redeeming value at all.

As mentioned in the header, the movie equivalent of sugar free Haribo Gummies. If that reference doesn't ring a bell, look them up on Amazon and read the reviews.

This picture is about nine old friends who are gathered in a Scottish Manor and everyone is happy to meet each other after so many years. Gals and guys join in and have plenty of booze and start renewing past experiences with each other.

Paris Hilton looked very happy in the role she played and I can understand why, she had a very small part and was the first person to disappear very early into the film.

The wind howling through this creepy old mansion and snow falling made this a very scary film until you find out the reason for all the murder and stabbing. The plot goes completely no where and I must say that most of the actors tried their very best, but the story stinks.

It's bad. But it takes itself very seriously, and it's not bad enough to be enjoyably bad. When will someone let Paris Hilton completely loose, so she can make a truly abominable film? I'm talking something of "Glen or Glenda" caliber. That's why I rented the flick -- I was hoping for a true abortion of cinema. Instead, this film is merely born brain damaged,

Things get close to deliciously terrible when one of the characters begins to piece together parts of the puzzle. Without spoiling the plot, it goes a little like this:

"Wait a minute! Maybe the Titanic didn't sink! Maybe it was a ship from outer space! That would mean the iceberg is still out there, trying to get revenge!"

"It's crazy! But it's the only thing that makes sense!"

And then it turns out that this really is the plot of the movie.

You get that here, only the premise of the film is so incredibly bland, you couldn't care less. People wandering around in a mansion, being chased. Whoopee. If only they would die faster.

Nine friends celebrate at a mansion in Scotland. After a little dinner and drinking and too much conversation, one friend stumbles upon a curse and one by one the guests are faced with the threat of death.

This film has so many problems with it, I don't know where to begin. First, the film "stars" Paris Hilton, even though she has the smallest role in the movie. I suspect her presence is the only reason the film was picked up at all, even though she serves no purpose and cannot act in this movie to save her life (she's worse in this than in "House of Wax").

When the Lions Gate logo came on, my friend and I thought we might be safe. Lions Gate makes some great films. Well, they make bad films, too, it seems. What possessed them to put their name on here, I don't know. With all due respect, I hope they lost money.

The first half of the film is a dinner scene with people sitting and talking about literally nothing. Nothing of interest, nothing related to the plot, nothing. A brief philosophical debate arises, but goes nowhere. As my friend says, this film was very innovative for a horror film: it might have been the first one that tried to kill the audience.

The death scenes are horrible. Basically, all deaths consist of a stabbing in the stomach: a magic stabbing! Shirts are never torn, but somehow a small blood stain appears and the victim becomes quite dead at a rapid pace.

None of the actors are worth caring about and the whole film is in shambles. Most annoying for me (besides the utter boredom) was the tendency to remind us we were in Scotland (the words "Scotland" or "Scotish" were repeated many times... for no reason. And there was a golf club).

This film is even too slow and pointless for "Mystery Science Theater 3000", so if there is a way to make something blink out of existence (like a memory hole), someone please make this your first target.