Good Morning, Miami (2002–2004)

Mark Feuerstein: Jake Silver

Quotes 

• Jake Silver : Do you not know what boinking is?

  Claire : Yes, it's what you aren't doing.

• Jake Silver : There's something about your eyes and your smile... and it's not just that they light up a room. They're the gateway to a world I want to be a part of.

• Jake Silver : My hair is at the peak of its cycle. It's full, but not a Jake-fro.

• Jake Silver : Ok, now I'm gonna have to back up over you with my whoopass mobile.

• Claire : Jake, I need you to sign my paycheck.

  Jake Silver : Claire, this is my paycheck.

  Claire : You sound just like that bitchy teller.

• Jake : Look, just be nice to Dylan. It's not a chore. Try complimenting her instead of putting peanut butter in her clogs and mayonnaise in her coffee.

  Penny : It looks just like creamer... I'm told.

• [Claire sees a poster of herself and cannot believe how old she looks] 

  Claire : [pointing to her moles and age-spots]  Look what those butchers did to me.

  Jake : Those "butchers"? You mean, "Time and Vodka"?

• Roberta Diaz : You're actually willing to let him go? You must be a COMPLETE IDIOT.

  Jake : That hurts... only because of your voice.

• [Gavin and Dylan have broken up and Jake goes to see Gavin] 

  Gavin : Who's there?

  Jake : It's me, Jake.

  [Gavin looks through the peephole, but can't see Jake] 

  Gavin : Prove it. Jump up.

  Jake : Ha, ha. I'm short. Open the door.

  Gavin : Why?

  Jake : I don't think you should be alone tonight.

  Gavin : Sure, make your move when I'm vulnerable.

  Jake : Ha, ha. I'm *gay*.

• Jake : Roberta, you can't be serious. What, do you think Stone is Stone Phillips? He's not even McKENZIE PHILLIPS .

• [trying to convince Dylan there's nothing between him and Penny] 

  Jake : I mean, it's Penny. She's like my little brother.

• Jake : Yeah, well some girl named Penny was supposed to pick me up at the airport.

  Girl : Oh, Penny. Well there's your problem. She's completely unreliable. I mean, she's hot, but all she does is scarf the free food, hang around the office and annoy people.

  Jake : Well there's one in every office.

  Girl : Yeah.

  Jake : I'm Jake Silver.

  Girl : I'm Penny.

• Jake : When you were younger, and fat, what was that name the kids used to call you?

  Gavin : Fat kid.

  Jake : Oh. Kids are so original. And accurate.

• Penny : ...I need to know what your office drug policy is.

  Jake : Um, no drugs.

  Penny : Got it. Now, do you consider the parking lot to be part of the office?

  Jake : Yes.

  Penny : Got it. Um, is weed a drug?

• Claire : Trust me. I have the wisdom of a woman twice my age.

  Jake : That means nothing, you claim to be a woman half your age. So your saying you have the wisdom of a woman your age.

  Claire : Thats right, thirty-nine.

• [Jake is mocking Gavin's 12-step alcoholic program] 

  Gavin : Oh, oh, oh. You're making a joke about alcoholics. You think alcoholics are funny.

  Jake : I sure hope they're funnier than recovering alcoholics.

• [Gavin is dressing up as a street thug and going on an undercover sting] 

  Gavin : You know what it takes to survive on the street, Silver?

  Jake : Velvet jogging suits and pancake-make up?

• Dylan : Why'd you kiss me back?

  Jake : Self defense?

• [Penny is eating a big piece of chocolate cake] 

  Jake : What are you eating?

  Penny : Birthday cake. Oh, by the way, later your colleagues will be surprising you with MOST of a birthday cake.

  Jake : Wow, what a coincidence. At the end of the week I'll be surprising you with MOST of a paycheck.

• [Gavin and Jake are both dressed as "The Flash" for Halloween] 

  Gavin : Silver?

  Jake : Gavin?

  Gavin : All right, take that off. I want you out of the costume right now.

  Jake : I bet that's not the first time you've said that to another man wearing spandex in a gay bar.

• Jake Silver : Frank, this is beneath you...

  Frank Alfano : Not true, Jake, I can go *much* lower.

• [Jake is smelling pillows on which Dylan sat, after she left] 

  Claire : You are smelling pillows?

  Jake Silver : I can stop anytime I want!

• Jake Silver : Gavin, a little tough on the spelling-bee champ.

  Gavin Stone : Hey, a girl that chunky should know how to spell dessert.

• Penny : Solitaire or porn?

  Jake Silver : I'm working.

  Penny : Porn.

• Jake Silver : You know what sucks? Look at us, we're both easy-going, and smart, and funny. Why can't love be like this? You know, just two people hanging out. Easy, no angst, no drama, no -

  Penny : - crystals?