Half & Half (2002–2006)

Telma Hopkins: Phyllis Thorne

Quotes 

• Phyllis Thorne : Maybe you'll find yourself a man this year.

  Mona Thorne : But Ma, I'm surrounded by men all the time: Orville Redenbacher, Captain Crunch, Dr. Pepper... Hey, you always wanted me to end up with a doctor.

  Phyllis Thorne : Just when I think you've hit rock bottom, you start digging a tunnel.

• Phyllis Thorne : Oh, what a day! I've never had to dry so many tears.

  Big Dee Dee Thorne : You poor dear. Were you trying on bathing suits again?

• Big Dee Dee Thorne : [noticing Mona with Phyllis while leaving Dee Dee's apartment]  Oh, hi, pudding pop! We have a favor to ask you.

  Phyllis Thorne : Sorry, we don't have any virgin blood. You'll just have to age like the rest of us.

  Dee Dee Thorne : Mona, would you mind keeping an eye on my apartment? Mom and I are going out of town for the weekend.

  Mona Thorne : Sure.

  Big Dee Dee Thorne : Yes, we're off to Spa de Soleil for a mother-daughter bonding session and deep-tissue massages.

  [glances at Phyllis] 

  Big Dee Dee Thorne : For those of us who have forgotten, that's when someone touches your body.

  Phyllis Thorne : How would you like a deep-tissue massage with the heel of my shoe?

• Mona Thorne : Did Morgan Freeman finally answer your letters?

  Phyllis Thorne : No, but his lawyers did. I guess my last love poem was a little raw.

• Big Dee Dee Thorne : [during construction in Dee Dee's apartment]  I don't want to see anything else in this apartment that has to be repaired with a bucket of spackle and a putty knife!

  [suddenly noticing Phyllis] 

  Big Dee Dee Thorne : Too late. Phyllis is here. Come to see what pricey porcelain looks like?

  Phyllis Thorne : I've already seen your teeth.

• Big Dee Dee Thorne : [eyeing Phyllis as Mona throws her out of her apartment]  Phyllis...

  Phyllis Thorne : Big Dee Dee...

  Big Dee Dee Thorne : What a pleasant surprise. You here everyday living through your daughter.

  Phyllis Thorne : For your information, I am here to give my daughter some advice.

  Big Dee Dee Thorne : Well, I'm giving mine the new Armani Fall Collection, but advice is good, too.

  Phyllis Thorne : [noticing Big Dee Dee's Pomeranian]  I see you brought your lunch.

  Big Dee Dee Thorne : Thinking of food, as usual. This is my baby Coco.

  [kisses Coco's head] 

  Phyllis Thorne : I see the resemblance. I'm more of a cat person myself.

  Big Dee Dee Thorne : I figured. I didn't think all that hair on your clothes came from a man.

• Big Dee Dee Thorne : [after Dee Dee's new jacuzzi leaks into Mona's apartment and floods it]  Oh, my. Is that mildew I smell or Phyllis's wet hair?

  Phyllis Thorne : If you don't want me to use that cheap wig as a mop, I suggest you shut your trap.

• Big Dee Dee Thorne : [after bumping into Phyliis holding an object in the hallway]  Phyllis, what is that monstrosity? And I don't mean that riot of polyester and lint you call an outfit.

  Phyllis Thorne : It's a cuckoo clock. I got it for Mona at a garage sale.

  Big Dee Dee Thorne : In other words, JUNK.

  Phyllis Thorne : *You* found a home, why shouldn't it?

  Big Dee Dee Thorne : So basically, trash is the best you can do for your daughter? I just bought Dee Dee a state-of-the-art pager/digital camera/doesn't this make your gift pathetic/why do you even bother getting up in the morning?