Anna (in Tess's body): Like cooking: I mean, have you never heard of takeout? And cleaning: let's don't and say we did. Quality time with your kids: You know what? Quit bugging 'em. Leave 'em alone. They like it!
Tess (in Anna's body): Honey. Look, I think something's happened to us.
Anna (in Tess's body): What are you?
Tess (in Anna's body): It's me, Mom.
Anna (in Tess's body): You're not my mother!
Tess (in Anna's body): Yes, I am.
Anna (in Tess's body): Get away, you clone freak!
Tess (in Anna's body): Don't you use that tone with me!
Anna (in Tess's body): Oh my God, you are my mother!
Pei-Pei's Mom: Coo-kie?
Anna (in Tess's body): Darling. Could you, like, chill for a sec?
Jake: Yesterday was freaky.
Anna (in Tess's body): Root canal? That's not fair, they're not my teeth.
Mr. Bates: [to a student] Mr. Waters, describe the character of Hamlet.
Mr. Waters: Hamlet. He's, uh... he's one of the big characters. I mean, he's Hamlet. He's just... bopping around... doesn't know which way's up. I don't think the guy's got a clue.
Mr. Bates: You mean to say that he is a man...
Mr. Waters: Yeah.
Mr. Bates: Who couldn't make up his... mind.
Mr. Waters: ...mind. Exactly.
Mr. Bates: Good. B.
Anna (in Tess's body): Halibut? Eww! That's disgusting! What kind of caterer ARE you?
Anna (in Tess's body): Are you mad?
Anna (in Tess's body): Do you, like, not want to get married now?
Ryan: No. No I don't. Not if you're gonna put me in this role.
Anna (in Tess's body): What role?
Ryan: The role of insensitive stepfather who couldn't care less, or thinks it's a stupid rock band, or any of the preposterous things you just said. How can you say I don't care? I'm not that guy, Tess, and if that's who you think I am, then this is never gonna work. When I fell in love with you, I knew you came with a history and a family, and I respect the hell out of that. You have always put the kids first. That's exactly how it should be, that's how I want it. I never pushed Anna, because I want her to like me on her own terms, in her own way.
Tess (in Anna's body): She is dead, worse than dead. She will spend the next year in a phoneless, dateless, Amish existence!
Anna (in Tess's body): So you're in my body, and I'm in your body. Why don't we, like...
Tess (in Anna's body): Yes, yes, I see what you're saying. A jolt! Okay, you go over there, and I go over here. Okay, when I say go. Ready? Go!
[they both bump heads and fall to the ground while Harry walks into the room]
Peg: Aren't you like the maid of horror or something?
Anna: You're ruining my life!
[Ryan has just let Anna go to the House Of Blues for the band audition]
Peg: Mr. Dude, you rock!
Harry: Get a room!
[Grandpa seeing Harry's underwear that was put over his head, thanks to Anna]
Grandpa: What is this, one of them thongs? I don't want to know.
Tess (in Anna's body): Mr. Bates, may I please speak with you ?
Mr. Bates: I think that would be fairly pointless, but go ahead.
Tess (in Anna's body): By what stretch of the imagination... I mean, like, how could I, like, get an "F"? What mistakes did I make ?
Mr. Bates: Grading is subjective.
Tess (in Anna's body): That was a college-level analysis.
Mr. Bates: And you're qualified to make that assessment ?
Tess (in Anna's body): I most certainly am.
Mr. Bates: Well in the words of Hamlet, "What's done is done".
Tess (in Anna's body): That's "Macbeth" you know-nothing twit. Bates. Elton Bates. Griffith High School.
Mr. Bates: How do you know that ?
Tess (in Anna's body): Well, you asked me, I mean, my mom to the prom, but she turned you down.
Mr. Bates: This is not an appropriate subject.
Tess (in Anna's body): You're taking it out on her daughter, aren't you ?
Mr. Bates: I don't know what you're talking about.
Tess (in Anna's body): It was a high school dance. You've got to let it go and move on, man. And if you don't, I'm sure the school board would love to hear about your pathetic vendetta against an innocent student.
Tess (in Anna's body): [Anna is about to leave the classroom and turns] Oh, and by the way, Elton, she had a boyfriend, and you were weird.
Tess: [Anna's bedroom door was just removed] Privacy is a privilege, Anna.
Anna (in Tess's body): 3 years ago we had a really bad thing happen we lost a father and a husband and I didn't think we'd ever get over it but then this guy next to me
[Ryan looks at Tess Proudly]
Anna (in Tess's body): came into the picture and everyone could see I was happy again I was singing in the shower again not well I may add but I was still worried about my kids Anna and Harry whether or not they would be able to accept a new man in their life and now I know how Anna feels
[Ryan looks over towards Anna]
Anna (in Tess's body): and what she feels is that...
[Tess starts to get emotional]
Anna (in Tess's body): No-one could ever take the place of her Dad
Anna (in Tess's body): because he was a really great Dad but somebody could be part of a new family it's own kind of cool, new little unit and that for someone as special as Ryan that we would all just make a little room Anna really wanted her mom to know that.
[Tess mouths I love you]
Anna (in Tess's body): I can't marry Ryan. Eww.
Tess (in Anna's body): I don't believe in physical contact with the opposite sex. At all. Ever. Nothing.
Anna (in Tess's body): Let's just say this cute guy asks you out. What are you gonna do? WOOOH.
Pei-Pei: Sexy new look for you, Mrs. Coleman! You look hot!
[after dropping "Anna" off at school]
Ryan: Okay, where are we going next? Harry's school?
Anna (in Tess's body): [smirking at Harry] Oh, he can walk from here.
Harry: It's twenty blocks!
Anna (in Tess's body): Fresh air will do you good.
Harry: But what about bullies?
Anna (in Tess's body): Run fast.
Anna (in Tess's body): You mean we're like stuck in this SUCKFEST?
Harry: [straws sticking out of his nose] Look I'm a walrus!