I'll Be There (2003)

Craig Ferguson: Paul Kerr

Photos 

Quotes 

• Paul Kerr : Be reasonable, why would I try to kill myself? I'm rich and I'm Scottish, it doesn't get better than that.

• Paul Kerr : I'm warning you, if this is a Jehovah's witness, he's about to witness your ass getting kicked.

• Paul Kerr : I just think its amazing that I bought a house so close to here. It's like Kermit!

  Rebecca Edmonds : You mean kismet, Kermit's a frog you idiot!

• Rebecca Edmonds : I don't want her to be a singer.

  Paul Kerr : It's too late, she already is.

• Olivia Edmonds : You got any other kids?

  Paul Kerr : No... you?

• Paul Kerr : [putting down a whiskey]  I'm not stopping. I'm having one later, ok.

  Digger : That's the ticket. One day at a time.

  Paul Kerr : Yeah, yeah. Cumbaya to you too.

• Paul Kerr : [after Digger kicks a ball wide of the goal]  Maybe it's time you take up knitting.

  Digger : Yeah, well maybe it's time you started the amends process, mate.

  Paul Kerr : Hey, I got her pregnant and left her to raise the kid on her own. How do you make amends for that, eh?

  Digger : I don't know. A nice bunch of flowers. Box of chocolates.

  Paul Kerr : [sarcasticly]  Flowers and a box of chocolates, why didn't I think of that? Problem solved!

• Paul Kerr : The chocolates are for you and the flowers are for Rebecca, your mum. Unless you want the flowers. And we can give her the chocolates. Or you could have them both and we could get her something else entirely. You know, like a bottle of wine or a fruit basket or some sort of cheese.

  Olivia Edmonds : That will be lovely for both of us. We'll fight over them later.

• Paul Kerr : What's there in Loch Ness apart from the obvious?

  Digger : Well, the thing is, I've got a girl up there.

  Paul Kerr : You never mentioned that.

  Digger : Well I thought you'd laugh.

  Paul Kerr : Thought I'd laugh because you've got a girlfriend at Loch Ness. Why? Is her name Nessie?

  Digger : Well, that's the thing, yeah. Her name's Nessie, Nessie McDonald.

  Paul Kerr : Oh

  [hides his face trying not to laugh] 

  Digger : How dare you.

  Paul Kerr : [bursts into laughter]  You're kidding me.

  [Digger starts laughing as well] 

  Paul Kerr : It's a lovely name. Sorry.

• [Digger shushes Paul after they're woken by someone ringing the doorbell and knocking in the middle of the night] 

  Paul Kerr : [whispering]  Who is it?

  Digger : [whispering]  It might be burglars.

  Paul Kerr : [whispering]  They don't usually ring the bell.

• Graham : So, don't go trying to kill yourself again.

  Drew : Apart from anything else, it's against the law.

  Graham : It's illegal see?

  Paul Kerr : No, I won't. Too many interesting things going on.

• Paul Kerr : I don't want a psychiatrist, I want a proper doctor. And morphine.

• Dr. Bridget : You drove your motorcycle through a second floor window in your house. Would you call that the act of a sane man?

  Paul Kerr : Hey! I'm a rock star. I've driven cars into swimming pools and thrown television sets out of windows. It's part of the job!

• Paul Kerr : I'm not mad, I'm just creative!

• Paul Kerr : [learning that he has been sanctioned and has to remain in the mental hospital]  Jesus Christ!

  Dr. Bridget : Please don't blaspheme. Dr. Nahar is a born-again Christian.

  Paul Kerr : [looks from Dr. Bridget to Dr. Nahar and back]  And you're worried about me?

• Dr. Bridget : What if you have a bipolar disorder and I let you go and you commit suicide? I would never forgive myself.

  Paul Kerr : Dr. Nahar can forgive you. He's a born-again Christian!

• Paul Kerr : [to the man who keeps playing the same note on a piano]  Hey, Liberace! Could you play something else, *please*.

  [man starts playing slightly higher note in the exact same manner] 

• Dr. Bridget : Why have you got toilet paper in your ears?

  Paul Kerr : I can't hear you. I've got toilet paper in my ears.

• Paul Kerr : [to the man who keeps playing the same note on the piano as he's added a second note]  Ok, that's better, but it's still crap. You see, the piano is capable of producing music of atmospheric and incandescent beauty. You, my friend, are turning it into an instrument of unspeakable torture.

• Paul Kerr : Ok, what? What is it? Who are you? Some kind of born-again Christian talk you out of suicide squad?

• Paul Kerr : [after meeting Olivia and Mary pretending to be his wife]  I'm having a very strange day.

• Paul Kerr : Hello, who are you?

  Dr. Bridget : You don't recognise your father-in-law?

  Paul Kerr : My, god, Dad! I didn't recognise you in the leather trousers.