Jeff Foxworthy: Self
Photos
Quotes
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Ron White : I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now, when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, "Bye everyone, I gotta go!" Six bouncers picked me up and hurled me out of that bar like I was a Frisbee. Those big old New York bouncers that think that bouncing is cool. They hang out with other bouncers, talking about bouncing. They go home at night and watch 'Road House' and fondle themselves. For wearing a hat. I walk into a bar and the bouncer comes over to me, real pissy, and goes, "Take off the hat!" I'm like, "What's the deal?" He goes, "I'll tell you what the deal is. Gay people in this area wear hats; we're tryin' to keep them out of our club!" Oh really? The only way we can tell down in Texas is if they have their hair cut like, yours. And he got all pissed. Anyway, I took off the hat, and he walked away. About an hour later, I was drinking and I forgot. Ever forget? It happened to me. I put the hat on, and he comes back over. Now, I'm between six-one and six-six depending on which convenience store I'm leaving. I weigh two hundred and thirty pounds, and this guy comes over, poking me in the shoulder. He says, "You're outta here!" and I said, "I don't think so, Scooter!" And I was wrong. They hurled me out of that bar. And then they squared off with me in the parking lot, and I backed down from the fight, cause I don't know how many of them it would have taken to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use. That's a handy little piece of information, right there. Well, they called the police because we broke a chair on the way out the door, and I refused to pay for it. I refused to pay for it cause *we* broke it over *my* thigh. The cops showed up, and at that point, I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability. The cop was like, "Mr. White, you are being charged with drunk in public-KA!" I was like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I was drunk in a bar! They, threw me into public-KA! I don't want to be drunk in public-KA! I wanna be drunk in a bar, which is perfectly legal! Arrest them!" Well, he didn't arrest them, instead he made me do a field sobriety test, where you stand on one foot, raise the other foot six inches off the ground, and count to thirty. I made it to "woo!" Is that going to be close enough? It wasn't, so they called in for my arrest record. There's some good news! Satellites are linking up in outer space. Computer banks at NASA are kicking on. There's a telegraph in Fritch, Texas, going: beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
[Takes breath]
Ron White : Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. This part takes a while. Brrrrinnnng! Shorthand.
[pause]
Ron White : Beep. Now, I told you that story, to tell you this story. When I was seventeen, I was arrested for being drunk in... public-KA.
Jeff : Kinda seems to be a pattern there, Ron.
Ron White : If you knew Morse code, you'd already know that. And one DWI, which was a bogus charge, cause it turns out they were stopping every driver, traveling down that particular sidewalk. And that's profiling. And profiling is wrong! The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases.
[Confused, stupid look]
Ron White : And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" " Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?" Ya caught me! Ya caught the tater!
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Jeff : If you have a full set of salad bowls and they all say "cool whip" on the side, you might be a redneck.
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Jeff : Kids are great for a comedian, because kids are funny without even trying to be funny.
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Jeff : I would rather take a beating with a brick stick than take kids in the grocery store.
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Jeff : Phoenix in July. Apparently, the people that book these things don't get the Weather Channel.
[laughter]
Jeff : But, uh... It's been one of those years like that for me. In February, I was doing a show in the northern part of Minnesota. It was so cold. Beautiful place, it was so cold. It was like fifteen below zero. And after the show, we were talking to some guys backstage, and they were trying to talk us into going ice fishing with them. It's fifteen degrees below zero! I said, "Guys, you know what, I really appreciate it." I said, "I don't really think I want to be that cold." And one of the guys goes "Oh, it's not that cold." He goes "We build a big bonfire out on the lake."
[laughter]
Jeff : [holding back laughter] And you call us stupid in the South?
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[his definition of redneck]
Jeff : A glorious absence of sophistication. It can be full-time or part-time, but we're all guilty of it at some time or another. And if you're not guilty of it, then you have relatives who are.
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Jeff : If you work without a shirt on and so does your husband, you might be a redneck.
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[after re-telling the story of a Georgia man who had his nipple bitten off by a beaver]
Jeff : It is so rare that I am at a loss for words, the only response I could come up with was, I said "I'll bet that is the first time in history the headline of the paper could include the words 'beaver' and 'nipple' and nobody would be offended by it."
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[about rental car employees who ask if he wants the additional insurance]
Jeff : I say "Yes, I would. 'Cause you've got a Ford Fiesta that's about to see more air time than a skateboard at the X-Games."
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Jeff : In defense of my in-laws, my in-laws are nuts. But I know why they're nuts. It's because a long time ago, they turned to each other and said "Hey, why don't we have children?"
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Jeff : Little kids buy cereal the same way grown men buy lingerie. They will buy stuff they care nothing about just to get the prize that's inside.
[laughter and applause]
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Jeff : I always felt like you couldn't talk about rednecks unless you are one, and I are one.
[laughter]
Jeff : You know what? Growing up, I didn't know that's what I was. And now, looking back, it was oh so obvious.
[laughter]
Jeff : Ya'll, I'm not making this up. My entire childhood, the mailbox in front of our house had the letters "M-A-L-E" painted on the side of it.
[laughter]
Jeff : And by the time I was in the eleventh grade, I was like "that ain't right! That 'm' is supposed to be capitalized, isn't it?"
[laughter]
Jeff : That is a true story. When I was in the third grade, my uncle did that as a joke. And NOBODY got it.
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Larry The Cable Guy : Hey, Bill, tell 'em about the one you done did over there in whatcha callit
Jeff : Yeah, Bill, tell them about the one you done did over in that deal there.
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Jeff : If you think a 401k is your mother-in-law's bra size, you might be a redneck.
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Jeff : If you think "Silence Of The Lambs" is what happens when Larry goes out to the barn, you might be a redneck.
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Jeff : If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.
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Larry The Cable Guy : Is that a remote control fart machine? Wow...
Jeff : This man has enough money to buy anything in this mall, and he gets the remote controlled fart.
[starts to cry]
Jeff : I'm so proud!
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Jeff : Men, if you have a wife, a girlfriend, or a daughter, you are being trained. And just cause they aren't doing it with a cattle prod does not mean it isn't working. I'll tell you when I first realized I was being trained. I've been married to a wonderful woman for seventeen years; it was about year five when I realized it. We were lying in bed reading, when she just says, "I'm hot." And I closed *my* book. Got out of bed. Went over to the wall, and turned the ceiling fan. I got about halfway back before, whoa!
[bewildered expression on Jeff's face]
Jeff : I wasn't hot! And I swear to god the next day she called her mother and was like, "Momma, it is working so well! I just had to say it, and he got up and turned the ceiling fan on for me!" And her mother was like, "Baby, I'm so proud of you! I'd put your daddy on the phone so you can tell him, but I just said I'm hungry about twenty minutes ago, and he went into town to get me something to eat!"
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Jeff : If you missed fifth grade graduation because you had jury duty, you might be a redneck.
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Jeff : [during Jeff's "You Might Be a Redneck"] If you have ever ridden an electric floor buffer...
Bill : [raising his hand, embarrassed] All right, wait, wait, WAIT! Tequila was involved, GET OFF ME!
Jeff : [turning to Ron White] I wonder how many times his wife has said that!
[high fives from Ron and Larry the Cable Guy]
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Jeff : If you ever wore a tube top to a funeral home, you might be...
Bill : [Cracks up laughing] Oh my god! I can't believe you just said that!
Jeff : Why, did that happen to you?
Bill : No, I got a better one. If you ever crack open a beer during a eulogy, you might be a redneck.
Jeff : Let me guess, one of your relatives.
Bill : My uncle Jack. We are at the funeral, and we weren't even outside. We were in the church! And the reverend had just finished his eulogy, when we heard, "Psshhh!" And everyone turned to uncle Jack, who was holding a beer, going, "What?"
[cast and audience laugh. Jeff stands up with his cup and walks up to a "casket"]
Jeff : Mama sure looks good, don't she?
[Ron joins him]
Ron White : That ain't Mama.
[Larry joins them]
Larry The Cable Guy : No, that's her. They just shaved her beard off.
[Everyone laughs as Jeff, Ron, and Larry sit back down. Larry suddenly gets back up and walks back to the "casket"]
Larry The Cable Guy : Forgot my beer.
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Jeff : Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.
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Jeff : The question you get asked most as a comedian is "where do you come up with material?" And I think the honest answer, at least for us, is the best stuff is not stuff you make up. It's true stuff.
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Jeff : In the Atlanta airport- I live in Atlanta; you know where you go through the metal detectors? In the Atlanta airport, they have now built a giant Plexiglass box that contains all of the things they will no longer allow in your carry-on luggage. And in that box, there is a *leaf blower*... and a Coleman latern.
[laughter]
Jeff : So if you are an international yardman that likes to work nights, you are SOL right now. A leaf blower! Who is hijacking an airplane with a leaf blower? "You turn this plane around, or I mess your hair up so bad, your mother will never recognize you!"
[laughter]
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[about his wife's cousin getting married]
Jeff : We had my wife's entire family together for the rehearsal dinner at *Hooter's*.
[laughter]
Jeff : [trying not to laugh] If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'! And our waitress was uh... was qualified to work there.
[laughter]
Jeff : As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure she was on a scholarship.
[laughter]
Jeff : But the first time she walked up to the table, my wife's uncle Bud looked at her and went "Whoo ooh! Where'd you get them things, girl?"
[laughter; Jeff gives a bewildered look, then pantomimes covering his face in embarrassment]
Jeff : And I thought she was gonna get mad. And she didn't, she was so cool. She said, "I bought 'em."
[laughter]
Jeff : And then Bud's wife Lois said "You know, I've been thinking about buying me some."
[laughter]
Jeff : And Bud turned to Lois and said "You are *sixty-two* years old. You getting a boob job would be like hanging a new chandelier in a haunted house!"
[laughter]
Jeff : And she said "Well, I figured if I put some new lights in the house, you might stay in it longer than two minutes."
[laughter]
Jeff : My children share these genes.
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Jeff : Do you know why women are able to train us? They are smarter than us.
[cheers and applause from female audience members]
Jeff : It ain't that big a deal. That's saying you're smarter than a creature who every time it takes its underwear off tries to catch them with its toes, flip them in the air, and catch them with its hand.
[laughter]
Jeff : You are smarter than that.
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Jeff : I have two children, they are both girls, their ages are eight and ten. I live next door to my brother; he has three children, they are all girls, their ages are six, eight, and ten. My mother has nine grandchildren, they are all girls, the oldest one is thirteen years old. I live in the Estrogen Ocean!
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Bill : [Bill's joke scene. Bill is told by Jeff that he must tell Here's Your Sign jokes] I got me a nice one, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, "Did you shoot that thing?"
[Bill laughs]
Bill : I said, "Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign."
Ron White : Hey Bill, tell the one when we were in Buffalo. You know, the one where we were doing that show in Buffalo and you lost your ah...
Bill : Oh God. We were doing a show in Buffalo, New York. And we land at the airport, and we go down to get our luggage, and mine didn't show up, which I know happens. So we go down to the lost luggage, where everyone is in *such a good mood!* Who applies for that job? Who says, I want to work in lost luggage? You don't have a good day! It's like a job emptying porta-potties, you're just gonna catch crap all day long!
Jeff : That is beautiful, did you just make that up?
Bill : Yeah. I like to use analogies in my show.
[Larry has a confused look on his face. Bill leans over and stage whispers]
Bill : That's where they compare things...
[Cast and audience crack up. Larry gives his look for a moment again, while Jeff and Bill exchange a high five]
Bill : So, anyway. I'm trying to be nice to this woman in lost luggage, and I say, "Excuse me!" And she goes, "Can I help you?" I said, "Yes ma'am. You lost my luggage." She looks me right in the eye, and goes, "Has your plane landed yet?"
[Bill gives look to the audience, while Jeff and Ron raise their hands in 'scouts honor']
Bill : I said, "No princess! I'm having an out-of-body experience! I'm just checking on them!" Here's your sign!
Jeff : I hate to stop you, 'cause I know you have so many good ones, but I've got one for you. This happened to me last week. We're in the process of remodeling our house; we've been doing it for a while now. And we have the painters in, putting sheets up around the furniture, you know? And we have a piano, just a regular, up against the wall piano. One of the painters said to me, "Is that y'all's piano?"
[audience cracks up]
Jeff : I said, "Nah, that's our coffee table, it just has buckteeth!" Here's your sign!
Larry The Cable Guy : [very sarcastically] All right, let me try one of these "Bill Engvall Here's Your Sign ders."
[Bill gives look to Jeff, cause it's his fault]
Jeff : I'm sorry! I did not mean to start this up...
Larry The Cable Guy : No, you knew this! Your next album will go "Aluminum!"
[audience and cast crack up]
Larry The Cable Guy : My grandma, is uh, covered in moles.
[cast and audience crack up; see earlier joke in show]
Larry The Cable Guy : No. My grandma, just re'nly passed away. Hundred and four years old. S'right, but they saved the baby.
Bill : I don't think he's kidding!
[Jeff and Ron also shake their heads]
Larry The Cable Guy : No, my grandma just recently passed away. Hundred and four years old. So, I go up there to the flow'r feller, to get a card, and some flow'rs.
Jeff : Wait, wait. You bought a card, for your dead grandmother?
Larry The Cable Guy : They had 'em there.
Jeff : I know I'm going to regret this. What did it say?
Larry The Cable Guy : [laughing] Get well soon!
[Audience cheers]
Larry The Cable Guy : Anyway, I go to the flow'r feller, and get her flow'rs, and a card. And he asks me what this is for. And I tell him my grandma just passed away, hundred and four years old. And he says, "Ooh, a hundred and four? How'd she die?" How'd she die; she's a hundred and four! She wrecked her Harley up there at BikeWeek! Here's your sign!
[audience cheers and claps]
Ron White : Hey Bill, I've got one. My son, Tater Tot, is covered with moles. No, my son, when he was six years old, was going to fly by himself from Dallas to Austin, to spend a week with his grandparents. I'm putting him on the plane; his grandmother is going to take him off the plane. And the woman who I was buying the ticket from asks, "Is there going to be anyone in Austin to pick him up when he gets off the plane?"
[Ron takes his mike and hits himself in the back of the head, in a "duh" gesture]
Ron White : Nope, I'm gonna pin a twenty dollar bill to his collar and wish him the best of luck! Here's your sign!
Jeff : [after audience stops cheering and clapping] Bill, what do you say you try one?
Bill : Yeah, let me give it a shot! The other, a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there's just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I'm all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, "Car break down?" I said, "Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!" Here's your sign! I was in the store the other day, and I'm buying some new pants. I put the pants on the counter to buy them, and the little girl behind the counter goes, "Are you gonna buy those?" I said, "Nope, gonna steal them! I just wanted you to see them before I walked out with them." Here's your sign!
Larry The Cable Guy : Hey, tell 'em about the one you did over at the whatcha-callit.
Jeff : [pause] Yeah, Bill. Tell 'em about the one you did over at the whatcha-callit.
Ron White : He just ended a sentence in nine prepositions.
Jeff : He a over-achiever.
Larry The Cable Guy : I don't know about all that, but...
[Bill cracks up laughing]
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Bill : If you've ever opened a beer during a eulogy... you might be a redneck!
[cast and crowd laughs]
Jeff : I'm just guessing one of your relatives.
Bill : My uncle Jack. I swear to you, Jeff, we were sitting... We weren't even outside. We were in the church. The reverend had just finished the eulogy and we heard:
[imitates the sound of opening a can of beer]
Bill : And we look in the back, he's sitting there with a beer and he goes, "What?"
[crowd laughs]
Jeff : [Jeff gets up and starts acting like he is drunk and imagines approaching a coffin during a wake] "Mama looks good, don't she?"
[cast and crowd laughs]
Ron White : [Ron joins him as another drunk relative looking at the imaginary coffin] "That ain't Mama!"
[cast and crowd laugh]
Larry The Cable Guy : [Larry now joins Jeff & Ron as yet another drunk relative and approaches the imaginary coffin] "No, that's her. They just shaved her beard off!"
[cast and crowd laugh out loud]
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Jeff : If you think "fast food" is hitting a deer at 65 miles an hour, you might be a redneck.
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Jeff : If you think N'Sync is where your dirty dishes are, you might be a redneck.
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Jeff : I do have a few new redneck words for you. First one - "mayonnaise." "Mayonnaise a lot of people here this evening." It's kind of a gift. They come to me in my sleep. I write them down. Brand new one: "aorta." "Aorta cut that grass down by the ballfield so the kids don't get hurt." Is this not the stupidest thing you've ever heard in your life? "Initiate." "My wife ate two hamburgers, initiate
[an' then she ate]
Jeff : a bag of potato chips." And last but not least: "widjadidja." "You didn't bring your truck widjadidja?"
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[about a Georgia man who had his nipple bitten off by a beaver]
Jeff : They found this animal. He picked it up by the *tail*. And he said "look, it ain't even cut up or bloody or nothin'!" And apparently, "nothing" is the word that brings a beaver back to conciousness. Because that was about the moment the beaver reached out and bit his nipple off.
[laughter]
Jeff : Did not bite it, bit it off. O-F-F, off, bit it off. That is a new kind of hurt right there.
