Larry the Cable Guy: Self
Photos
Quotes
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Larry The Cable Guy : Nothing says, "Happy anniversary, sweetheart" like rubber dog turds.
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Larry The Cable Guy : Hey, Bill, tell 'em about the one you done did over there in whatcha callit
Jeff : Yeah, Bill, tell them about the one you done did over in that deal there.
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Larry The Cable Guy : You know what they got now? Edible undershorts? Whose idea was that? "What do you wanna do tonight, baby?" "Let me eat your undershorts." HEY BABY, PUT A COUPLE OF THOSE IN THE FRIDGE, I-MA MAKE ME A SAMMICH LATER!"
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Larry The Cable Guy : Is that a remote control fart machine? Wow...
Jeff : This man has enough money to buy anything in this mall, and he gets the remote controlled fart.
[starts to cry]
Jeff : I'm so proud!
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[repeated line]
Larry The Cable Guy : Git 'R Done!
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Bill : [while the guys are all getting individual spa treatments] Larry remember, when you have to go to the bathroom, get out of the tub!
Larry The Cable Guy : [Farts] Too late!
[Bill laughs]
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Jeff : If you ever wore a tube top to a funeral home, you might be...
Bill : [Cracks up laughing] Oh my god! I can't believe you just said that!
Jeff : Why, did that happen to you?
Bill : No, I got a better one. If you ever crack open a beer during a eulogy, you might be a redneck.
Jeff : Let me guess, one of your relatives.
Bill : My uncle Jack. We are at the funeral, and we weren't even outside. We were in the church! And the reverend had just finished his eulogy, when we heard, "Psshhh!" And everyone turned to uncle Jack, who was holding a beer, going, "What?"
[cast and audience laugh. Jeff stands up with his cup and walks up to a "casket"]
Jeff : Mama sure looks good, don't she?
[Ron joins him]
Ron White : That ain't Mama.
[Larry joins them]
Larry The Cable Guy : No, that's her. They just shaved her beard off.
[Everyone laughs as Jeff, Ron, and Larry sit back down. Larry suddenly gets back up and walks back to the "casket"]
Larry The Cable Guy : Forgot my beer.
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Bill : [Bill's joke scene. Bill is told by Jeff that he must tell Here's Your Sign jokes] I got me a nice one, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, "Did you shoot that thing?"
[Bill laughs]
Bill : I said, "Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign."
Ron White : Hey Bill, tell the one when we were in Buffalo. You know, the one where we were doing that show in Buffalo and you lost your ah...
Bill : Oh God. We were doing a show in Buffalo, New York. And we land at the airport, and we go down to get our luggage, and mine didn't show up, which I know happens. So we go down to the lost luggage, where everyone is in *such a good mood!* Who applies for that job? Who says, I want to work in lost luggage? You don't have a good day! It's like a job emptying porta-potties, you're just gonna catch crap all day long!
Jeff : That is beautiful, did you just make that up?
Bill : Yeah. I like to use analogies in my show.
[Larry has a confused look on his face. Bill leans over and stage whispers]
Bill : That's where they compare things...
[Cast and audience crack up. Larry gives his look for a moment again, while Jeff and Bill exchange a high five]
Bill : So, anyway. I'm trying to be nice to this woman in lost luggage, and I say, "Excuse me!" And she goes, "Can I help you?" I said, "Yes ma'am. You lost my luggage." She looks me right in the eye, and goes, "Has your plane landed yet?"
[Bill gives look to the audience, while Jeff and Ron raise their hands in 'scouts honor']
Bill : I said, "No princess! I'm having an out-of-body experience! I'm just checking on them!" Here's your sign!
Jeff : I hate to stop you, 'cause I know you have so many good ones, but I've got one for you. This happened to me last week. We're in the process of remodeling our house; we've been doing it for a while now. And we have the painters in, putting sheets up around the furniture, you know? And we have a piano, just a regular, up against the wall piano. One of the painters said to me, "Is that y'all's piano?"
[audience cracks up]
Jeff : I said, "Nah, that's our coffee table, it just has buckteeth!" Here's your sign!
Larry The Cable Guy : [very sarcastically] All right, let me try one of these "Bill Engvall Here's Your Sign ders."
[Bill gives look to Jeff, cause it's his fault]
Jeff : I'm sorry! I did not mean to start this up...
Larry The Cable Guy : No, you knew this! Your next album will go "Aluminum!"
[audience and cast crack up]
Larry The Cable Guy : My grandma, is uh, covered in moles.
[cast and audience crack up; see earlier joke in show]
Larry The Cable Guy : No. My grandma, just re'nly passed away. Hundred and four years old. S'right, but they saved the baby.
Bill : I don't think he's kidding!
[Jeff and Ron also shake their heads]
Larry The Cable Guy : No, my grandma just recently passed away. Hundred and four years old. So, I go up there to the flow'r feller, to get a card, and some flow'rs.
Jeff : Wait, wait. You bought a card, for your dead grandmother?
Larry The Cable Guy : They had 'em there.
Jeff : I know I'm going to regret this. What did it say?
Larry The Cable Guy : [laughing] Get well soon!
[Audience cheers]
Larry The Cable Guy : Anyway, I go to the flow'r feller, and get her flow'rs, and a card. And he asks me what this is for. And I tell him my grandma just passed away, hundred and four years old. And he says, "Ooh, a hundred and four? How'd she die?" How'd she die; she's a hundred and four! She wrecked her Harley up there at BikeWeek! Here's your sign!
[audience cheers and claps]
Ron White : Hey Bill, I've got one. My son, Tater Tot, is covered with moles. No, my son, when he was six years old, was going to fly by himself from Dallas to Austin, to spend a week with his grandparents. I'm putting him on the plane; his grandmother is going to take him off the plane. And the woman who I was buying the ticket from asks, "Is there going to be anyone in Austin to pick him up when he gets off the plane?"
[Ron takes his mike and hits himself in the back of the head, in a "duh" gesture]
Ron White : Nope, I'm gonna pin a twenty dollar bill to his collar and wish him the best of luck! Here's your sign!
Jeff : [after audience stops cheering and clapping] Bill, what do you say you try one?
Bill : Yeah, let me give it a shot! The other, a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there's just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I'm all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, "Car break down?" I said, "Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!" Here's your sign! I was in the store the other day, and I'm buying some new pants. I put the pants on the counter to buy them, and the little girl behind the counter goes, "Are you gonna buy those?" I said, "Nope, gonna steal them! I just wanted you to see them before I walked out with them." Here's your sign!
Larry The Cable Guy : Hey, tell 'em about the one you did over at the whatcha-callit.
Jeff : [pause] Yeah, Bill. Tell 'em about the one you did over at the whatcha-callit.
Ron White : He just ended a sentence in nine prepositions.
Jeff : He a over-achiever.
Larry The Cable Guy : I don't know about all that, but...
[Bill cracks up laughing]
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Bill : If you've ever opened a beer during a eulogy... you might be a redneck!
[cast and crowd laughs]
Jeff : I'm just guessing one of your relatives.
Bill : My uncle Jack. I swear to you, Jeff, we were sitting... We weren't even outside. We were in the church. The reverend had just finished the eulogy and we heard:
[imitates the sound of opening a can of beer]
Bill : And we look in the back, he's sitting there with a beer and he goes, "What?"
[crowd laughs]
Jeff : [Jeff gets up and starts acting like he is drunk and imagines approaching a coffin during a wake] "Mama looks good, don't she?"
[cast and crowd laughs]
Ron White : [Ron joins him as another drunk relative looking at the imaginary coffin] "That ain't Mama!"
[cast and crowd laugh]
Larry The Cable Guy : [Larry now joins Jeff & Ron as yet another drunk relative and approaches the imaginary coffin] "No, that's her. They just shaved her beard off!"
[cast and crowd laugh out loud]
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Larry The Cable Guy : Her horse got a broken leg and I had to shoot it. So now it's got a broken leg and a gunshot wound.
[pause]
Larry The Cable Guy : I don't know what you shoot it for. I guess it helps the healing process. If it ain't better tomorrow, I'm gonna shoot it again, I'll tell you that right now.
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Larry The Cable Guy : I had a rough night. I had a dream that I drank the world's biggest margarita, and I woke up - there was salt around the toilet bowl. That's not good right there. Thank goodness I didn't eat the worm at the bottom, I'll tell you that right now.
