OK, normally I go into a paragraph of introduction on how I came across this film and a little bit about the film or film trivia, well not this time, I'm going to let you judge for yourself on just what I'm going to tell you with this "story".
The movie starts off with the ending... ??? Yeah, the ship sinks, sorry to spoil this movie for you already. But anyways we have a man and a woman rowing in a lifeboat, rowing, rowing, rowing as we hear people screaming for their lives on the sinking ship. We pan into the woman's eye into a flashback, a la Titanic(1997), and right before the same woman, Angelica, boards the Titanic, we see she is actually a servant to her evil step mother and her two evil step sisters, a la Disney's Cinderella. She has a blue colored locket necklace, a la Titanic(1997), inside there is a picture of her mother, oh what happened to her mother? Of course the evil step family taunts her pain and that she'll never find her mother.
Just about everyone and I do mean EVERYONE, including animals(when did this become Noah's Ark?) board the Titanic with happy joy. We even have two thieves, a la 101 Dalmations/Home Alone, with their evil woman thief, a la 101 Dalmations. There is a detective on their tails, a la Sherlock Holmes, who's a moron and couldn't catch a cold. We then meet a man named Geston, a la Beauty and the Beast, who takes Angelica's locket and gives it to the busty hot singer of the ship, a la Celine Dion/Titanic, to impress her.
We cut to a mouse with his family, a la An American Tail, where he's about to get eaten by a cat that randomly pops up out of nowhere, he's saved by a dog... now, brace yourself, it's not just any dog, it's a dog that... can... rap! Yes, I'm sure James Cameron really regrets now cutting out of his Titanic his rapping dog, after all a music genre that wasn't invented till decades later is perfect for children and history. So yeah, a rapping dog, dare we move on? Yeah, let's keep going.
So we meet William, a pretty oh so British rich man with a nanny who happened to loose her daughter years earlier. William then meets Angelica in the hall after washing her evil fat step sister's clothes, but the connection is unstoppable as William touches her hand and she runs away while he makes goofy faces saying how he must see her again! He eventually does see her again and asks if she'll be at the dinner reception, but she has nothing to wear! So, a la Titanic(1997), one of the other maids has an old dress that she used to wear and it magically fits Angelica perfectly. Not only that, a la Cinderella, the mice feel bad that Angelica's necklace is gone so they steal it back for her.
Dinner comes and William takes his lady saying how happy he is to have her... THEN learns her name ???? Hmm, yeah. He defends her in front of her evil step family and takes her to her room; everything is just dandy, so dandy, let's have Mexican mice do a salsa song? Uh huh, OK mind you I just had to have a few shots of Jack Daniels to get this far. But let's not forget this is Titanic, the iceberg comes! FINALLY, the iceberg hits the ship and what better solution? The men grab buckets and start filling them up with the water in the ship and throwing it back out at the ocean *slaps forehead in shame* OK, I have to keep going, William of course panics and goes to save his lady love and of course being lower class she is trapped behind a metal gate that the other passengers break down like it's cheese. William tells her to go with the women and children and they'll meet again soon, swoon.
As the ship sinks, on the same lifeboat, the two thieves and their lady leader are still trying to steal stuff? Good timing, not to mention how funny they are while the ship is sinking and people are dying. This is where Angelica meets her mother!!! She's not at all angry, in fact her mother says she wanted to keep her daughter, yet she didn't, and her and Angelica hug in happiness. As the Titanic goes down, the Dalmatians, a la 101 Dalmations, start crying? William goes down with the ship but of course not without saving a child! So the lifeboat with Angelica finds a body in the water and it's... ah, great, it's just the detective, well that was a waste of human space on the boat. However they do find William and somehow he's very much alive and both him and the detective act happy and are soon on their feet dancing and William kisses his love in slow motion. We think it's the end, but instead a creepy child tells us how the step sisters married the two thieves and are unhappy and Angelica and William got married, adopted children and puppies and lived happily ever after.
Yeah, that's right, Titanic gets a happy ending. The writer is working on the sequel September 11th, 200FUN! Don't show this movie to anyone, I have to go to the hospital now from alcohol poisoning.
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