Club Dread (2004)

Kevin Heffernan: Lars

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jenny : [as Lars and Putman are preparing to go into the woods]  Aren't you bringing any weapons?

  Lars : [confidently]  I have all the weapons I need.

  Putman : Piss on that! I'm bringing a mah-sheh-tay!

  [machete] 

• Hank : When you're all done with your little pink panty meltdown, let me know... 'cause I'd like to get down to business.

  Coconut Pete : I thought it was time to bring in the pro.

  Sam, The Fun Police : Hank?

  Coconut Pete : Yes, Hank. The head of security on all my tours.

  Jenny : So, what? He keeps aging hippies from stealing the bong out of your tour bus?

  Coconut Pete : It just so happens that Hank used to be a federal agent. Yes, that's right. Headed an FBI task force on serial killers. Single-handedly caught the Minneapolis Mangler.

  Lars : Who's the Minneapolis Mangler?

  Hank : Exactly!

  Dave : Pete, you are aware that I've personally served this guy 20 beers a day for the last 10 years, right?

  Hank : [shows a nasty scar on his stomach]  Hey, I was in Nicaragua, junior! When you can stuff your intestines back in your pockets and walk 20 klicks to an aid station after a knife fight with guerrilla drug lords, then you talk to me!

• Lars : I guess now they'll kick me out of the Pacifists Club.

  Jenny : Or just ask you nicely to leave.

• Lars : [about to be locked up in a room, like a holding cell, with only one small window, because they think he might be the killer]  Are you familiar with the expression "sitting duck"?

  Juan : Uhh, no.

• Lars : [walks up behind Jenny, who is drinking some booze, and does a Tai-Chi move on her back]  Hey, Jenny.

  Jenny : [by sheer reflex, her mouth opens, and the drink in her mouth slobbers down her front]  Oh!

  Lars : Sorry.

  Jenny : Give me a heads-up before you do that.

  Lars : It's just a habit. I could see how tight you were from a mile away.

  [Lars starts to drink] 

  Jenny : What can I say? Some girls are just tighter than others.

  Lars : [by sheer reflex at what she said, he accidentally sprays out his mouthful of booze in her face]  Sorry.

• Lars : Back off, fun pig! You wanna fun-fucking-arrest me? You better get a fun-fucking-warrant! Otherwise, stay outta my... fun-fucking-face!

• [after putting one of his patented massage moves on the killer] 

  Lars : He'll orgasm for another few minutes. Go!

• Lars : So, I guess I'm talking to a celebrity. Congratulations. I heard you got your own fitness show?

  Jenny : [sad]  Uh, yeah. Amy Aerobics accidentally ate some rat poison. It was awful.

  [enthusiastic] 

  Jenny : But I'm still really psyched!

• Lars : What happened to the Jacuzzi?