Saved! (2004)

Eva Amurri: Cassandra

Photos 

Quotes 

• Cassandra : There's only one reason Christian girls comes down to the Planned Parenthood.

  Roland : She's planting a pipe bomb?

  Cassandra : Okay, two reasons.

• Hilary Faye : You know, secondhand smoke kills.

  Cassandra : I'm counting on it.

• Mary : Does it ever bother you that he can't walk?

  Cassandra : He can't walk?

• Cassandra : [Patrick is wearing a loincloth, acting as Jesus dying in a play]  Now that's what I call being hung on a cross.

• Cassandra : I'm not really a stripper, you know.

  Roland : I'm not really a Christian.

• Hilary Faye : [the day after "saving" Cassandra]  Hey Cass! How do you feel?

  Cassandra : Oh, I'm a whole new girl Hay-Faye.

  Hilary Faye : I TOLD YOU! How great is Jesus?

  Cassandra : Yeah, um, about that... I've decided to devote my life to Satan instead. Thanks though!

• Cassandra : Doesn't it bother you to have people smoking around you? It's so bad for the baby.

  Mary : I'm not pregnant.

  Cassandra : So what are you gonna do? It's too late for the big "A". You look like a smuggler. I know a place where you could sell it!

  Mary : I'm not going to sell my...

  [vulnerable pause] 

  Cassandra : It's Dean's, isn't it?

• Cassandra : Are you playing footsies with me?

  Roland : Wheelies.

• Mary : I'm having a girl.

  Cassandra : [looking at Mary's ultrasound]  Are you sure you're not having a seamonkey?

• Cassandra : [after complaining about Hilary Faye's ridiculous attempt to save her]  It's ok. Last year I got saved so I could go on the ski trip.

• Cassandra : If you're interested, I know some people who would pay a lot of money to take naked pictures of you in a "family way".

  Mary : [wiping away her tears and smiling tentatively]  Yeah? How much money?

• Cassandra : So I figured they would have sent you to a special school by now.

  Roland : [smirks]  This IS a special school.

• Trudy Mason : Patrick has recently returned from South Africa where he worked as a missionary and just completed a world tour as part of the Christian Skateboarders Association.

  Cassandra : Been hittin' the board for the Lord? God, is nothing sacred to you people?

• Cassandra : Did I ever tell you about the time I shoplifted a frozen turkey out of a Piggly Wiggly wearing only a tube top and daisy dukes?

• Cassandra : [Roland rolls up to Cassandra, wearing a black shirt with white laces down the middle]  What are you supposed to be?

  Roland : A roller skate.

• Hilary Faye : Well, if it isn't the Heathens.

  Cassandra : Burn in hell, you narrow-minded, tacky-ass bitch!

• [doing stretches in Gym class] 

  Cassandra : Hey, Hilary Faye, I can see your pad.

• [storming out to her car after being expelled from school] 

  Cassandra : He kicked me out! And it was the one time I didn't do anything!

• Cassandra : I always get this really left out feeling at Christmas time

  Hilary Faye : [to Patrick]  Jewish.

  [Back to Cassandra] 

  Hilary Faye : Well, if you decided to accept Jesus into your heart you and your people could join in on the fun!

  Cassandra : You know what you're right! I want to join in on the fun. I don't want a Hannukah bush this year, I want a Christmas tree.

  Hilary Faye : You're playing me again?

  Cassandra : No, I want to start a personal relationship with Jesus. I want to be saved!

  Hilary Faye : Oh wow!

  [Gestures to Patrick] 

  Hilary Faye : Patrick! Oh, I don't have all my equipment! Ok, first, you have to confess all of your sins out loud.

  Cassandra : Well, there's all the swearing, I mean, I have a Goddammed dirty mouth. And the sex I mean, are we talking oral

  Hilary Faye : [claps hand over Cassandra's mouth] 

• Cassandra : You can tacky up prom on your own, cause I quit.

  Hilary Faye : Quit? You can't quit!

  Cassandra : Watch me. Watch me walkin' away. Watch me walkin' away from Jesus!

• Cassandra : So, Patrick asked you out and you turned him down? The boy is a tomcat, even if he is a big JC freak. And - double plus bonus - I'm pretty sure he's not a 'mo.

  Mary : He's Pastor Skip's son, and I'm about to pop a baby out.

  Cassandra : I should tell Patrick to act gay around you, maybe then he'll get a little action.

• Cassandra : I should kick your fat Christian ass right now.

  Hilary Faye : You know what? Whatever!

  [walks away] 

  Hilary Faye : And I'm not even fat!

  Cassandra : Your head is fat! Oh! And your ass is fat!

  Hilary Faye : WHATEVER!

• Cassandra : We should get back inside.

  [walks away] 

  Roland : [to himself]  Nice!

  Cassandra : [turns around]  Do you want a push?

  Roland : Thanks!

  Cassandra : [in his ear]  If you stare at my ass again, I will push you off a cliff.

• Cassandra : [Drunk]  Hey Roland. Wanna get outta here and you can take me for a spin on that thing... RELEASE HIS PARKING BRAKE HILARY FAYE!

  Hilary Faye : Oh, God, you smell like Tia's dad, have you been drinking?

• Cassandra : She made me listen to the whole Elms CD on her iPod!

• Cassandra : Piss off, asshole! Oh, and another thing? No more muffins for you! The muffin shop is closed!

• Cassandra : Roland and I both saw you sneaking out of the clinic. Kudos on the Bono shades by the way!

• Cassandra : [drunk]  I'm having a vision of the Virgin Mary!

• Hilary Faye : You better be wearing underwear this time.

  Cassandra : [looks over shoulder and down ladder at Hilary Faye]  Heh.

• Hilary Faye : Want to get something to eat with us?

  Patrick : We're going to DQ.

  Cassandra : Why? So we can watch Hilary Faye try to get into your Easter basket? No thanks.