The Ladykillers (2004)

Marlon Wayans: Gawain MacSam

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Quotes 

• Garth Pancake : [groans]  IBS.

  Gawain MacSam : You be what?

• Gawain MacSam : You brought your bitch to the Waffle Hut?

• Gawain MacSam : Would you tell this muthafucka he can sew this shit back on? It's like that dude whose wife cut his dick off, threw it on the freeway? She just called Triple A, they towed the dick and sewed the muthafucka back on. Listen up, jackass, I saw the muthafucka in a porno, the thang still worked, it looked like a chewed-up frank, but that little muthafucka be workin' that muthafucka. It's mangly, but he be fuckin' the bitch all kind of ways with a twisted dick.

• Gawain MacSam : Motherfuck!

  Professor G.H. Dorr : Yes. Unfortunately, Mrs. Munson has rather complicated the situation.

  Gawain MacSam : Yeah, well, I know how to decomplicate it. You bust a cap in that old bitch's head, everything be simple.

  Professor G.H. Dorr : Not easy to do. Many reasons. Practical ones. Quiet neighborhood, sleepy town. Reasons of moral repugnance. A harmless woman, a deed conceived and executed in cold blood. Oh, no, Gawain, would that it were simple.

  Gawain MacSam : Well, fuck, man! What we gonna do? Give the money back and go to church?

  Professor G.H. Dorr : I shudder. I quake. You, sir, are a Buddhist. Is there not a "middle" way?

  The General : Mm. Must float like a leaf on the river of life... and kill old lady.

• Garth Pancake : Do you know who the Freedom Riders were, MacSam?

  Gawain MacSam : No, and I don't give a fuck. Just tell me when the fuck they gonna leave.

  Garth Pancake : The Freedom Riders, my fine young man, were a group of concerned liberals from up north, all working together, just like we are here. Involved citizens who came down here so that local black folk could have their civil liberties. So that people like you could have the vote.

  Gawain MacSam : You know what, man?

  Garth Pancake : What, brother?

  Gawain MacSam : I don't vote. So fuck you.

• Gawain MacSam : [about Ms. Munson]  I can't do it. She reminds me of my mama.

• Professor G.H. Dorr : Perhaps if you apologize to the man, gave him flowers... uh... perhaps a fruit basket with a card depicting a misty seascape and inscribed with a sentiment.

  Gawain MacSam : I ain't apologisin' to that mutha fuckuh. He fired me because I'm black!

  Professor G.H. Dorr : Surely a chocolate assortment has been known to melt the heart of even the hardest misanthrope.

  Gawain MacSam : That muthuhfuckuh ain't rollin over for no candybar!

• [to Garth] 

  Gawain MacSam : Fuck you *and* the Swiss Miss!

• Gawain MacSam : Damn skippy!

• Gawain MacSam : You just fart?

• Professor G.H. Dorr : To penetrate the vault here this afternoon, while Mrs. Munson is at church, havin' blasted that little old rock to pieces durin' Mrs. Munson's choir practice. Garth, can you run us through the game plan for what remains of our tunnel?

  Garth Pancake : Of course. Why, it's child's play now. Easiest thing in the world. Only a couple of feet separate us from the vault. Just the usual spadework until we get to the masonry of the vault, and then we just drill through.

  Professor G.H. Dorr : And will you be able to wield the drill with your maimed extremity?

  Garth Pancake : Oh, well, yeah, I should think so. Yeah, it's, uh, it's only one finger. Inhibits me in doing finer work of course. I'll always have to live with that. Maybe - I'm just thinkin' out loud here - maybe, since as you say there will be problems later, maybe - and I actually mentioned this to Mountain Girl, she agrees with me, so it's not just one person's opinion - maybe, uh... I should get a little extra compensation for the accident. Somewhat larger share. Why, if this was any other line of work, I'd be getting workman's comp. Wouldn't I? Might even have a pretty good lawsuit.

  Gawain MacSam : Wait, so you gonna sue yourself for blowing your own goddamn finger off?

  Garth Pancake : Well, now that is simply asinine.

  Professor G.H. Dorr : Yes, but you see, Garth, this is not what you just called "some other line of work."

  Garth Pancake : Yeah, no, no, no, but if it were...

  Professor G.H. Dorr : This is a criminal enterprise, not to put too fine a point on it, entailing any manner of risk not involved in honest labor. Governmental regulations and civic safeguards cannot be assumed to apply to antisocial pursuits.

  Lump Hudson : Yeah, but he lost his finger.

  Gawain MacSam : We don't give a fuck! That fool could blow his goddamn dick off, it don't make no nevermind to us! We not payin' this jackass for goin' around blowin' off goddamn body parts! Get yo' fuckin' head out yo' ass, man!

  Garth Pancake : Look you, there is no call for...

  The General : No extra share!

  Garth Pancake : OK. Majority rules. Like I say, it was just a trial balloon. Hand's not so bad really. I even get some phantom feeling.

  Gawain MacSam : Yeah, you pull on your prick, you get some phantom feelin'.

  Garth Pancake : Fuck you.

  Gawain MacSam : Fuck you.

  Garth Pancake : Fuck you!

  Gawain MacSam : Fuck you, nubbie!

  Professor G.H. Dorr : Well, now that that matter is settled, why don't we synchronize our watches before Gawain reports to work. In 20 seconds, it will be exactly 12:16. Fifteen...

  Garth Pancake : What, it'll be 12:15?

  Professor G.H. Dorr : No, 15 seconds. Well, 11 seconds now. It'll be 12:16. Eight, seven...

  Lump Hudson : Professor? Prof...?

  Professor G.H. Dorr : ...six... five... Yes, Lump!

  Lump Hudson : I don't have a watch.

• Professor G.H. Dorr : What do you think, General? Present any problems? Good then. Gentlemen, why don't we crowd around and go over the plan? Gentlemen, this is the Bandit Queen. Gambling den. Cash cow. Sodom of the Mississippi Delta and the focus of our little exercise. Here is Orchard Street. Here is the residence of Marva Munson, the charming lady whom you all met moments ago. Gentlemen, I'm sure you're all aware that the Solons of the state of Mississippi, to wit, its legislature, have decreed that no gaming establishment shall be erected within its borders upon dry land. They may, however, legally float. While the gambling activity is restricted to these riverboats, no such restrictions apply to the functions ancillary to this cash-besotted business. The casino's offices, locker rooms, facilities to cook and clean, and, most importantly, its counting houses, the reinforced, secret, super-secure repositories of the lucre, may all be situated... wherever. Gawain, where is "wherever"?

  Gawain MacSam : Say what?

  Professor G.H. Dorr : Where's the money?

  Gawain MacSam : Oh. OK, look. At the end of every shift, pit boss brings the cash down to the hold of the ship in a locked cashbox, and once a day all the cash is moved down to the countin' room.

  Professor G.H. Dorr : And where is the counting room?

  Gawain MacSam : Uh... it be right there in that square where you pointin'.

  Professor G.H. Dorr : And what, to flog a horse that if not dead is at this point in mortal danger of expiring, does this little square represent?

  Gawain MacSam : Offices. Underground.

  Professor G.H. Dorr : Ha! Underground! Mmm! Underground. During the casino's hours of operation, the door to this counting room is fiercely guarded. The door itself is of redoubtable Pittsburgh steel. When the casino closes this entire underground complex is locked up, and the armed guard retreats to the casino's main entrance. There, then, far from the guard, reposes the money, behind a five-inch-thick steel portal, yes. But the walls... the walls are but humble masonry behind which is only the soft, loamy soil deposited over centuries by the Old Man, the meanderin' Mississippi, as it fanned its way back and forth across the great alluvial plain, leaving earth. This earth. The General here, whose curriculum vitae comprehends massive tunnelin' experience through the soil of his native French Indochina, shall be directin' our little old tunnelin' operation. Garth Pancake, though a master of none, is a jack of all those trades corollary to our aim. He will be doin' such fabricatin' and demolition work - as our little caper shall require.

  Garth Pancake : Happy to be on board.

  Professor G.H. Dorr : Gawain is our proverbial "inside man." He has managed to secure himself a berth on the stodial staff of the Bandit Queen.

  Gawain MacSam : Damn skippy!

  Professor G.H. Dorr : And this brings us to Lump. To look at Lump, you might wonder what specialized expertise could he possibly offer our merry little old band of miscreants. Well, gentlemen, in a project of such risks, it is imperative to enlist the services of a hooligan, a goon, an ape, a physical brute. Someone who will be our security, our battering ram, our blunt instrument. And, on our behalf, I wish him a warm Mississippi welcome.

  Garth Pancake : Fuckin' A.

  Gawain MacSam : Whassup, my nigga?

  Professor G.H. Dorr : Well, gentlemen, here you are. Men of different backgrounds and differing talents. Men with, in fact, but two things in common: One, you all saw fit to answer my advertisement in the Memphis Scimitar, and two, you're all going to be, in consequence, very, very, incredibly... rich. Let us revel in our adventure, gentlemen. Let us make beautiful music together, and, by all means, let us keep this to ourselves. What we say in this root cellar, let it stay in this root cellar.

  Lump Hudson : There's no "I" in "team".

• Gawain MacSam : It was Literature.

• Gawain MacSam : Fuck you and the Swiss Miss!