Count Olaf: I must say, you are a gloomy looking bunch. Why so glum?
Klaus Baudelaire: ...Our parents just died.
Count Olaf: Ah yes, of course. How very, very awful. Wait! Let me do that one more time. Give me the line again! Quickly, while it's fresh in my mind!
Klaus Baudelaire: [uncertainly] Our parents just died?
Count Olaf: [gasps dramatically]
Sunny: [in baby talk] What a schmuck!
Violet Baudelaire: It's the letter! The letter that never came!
Violet Baudelaire: 'Dearest children - since we've been abroad we have missed you all so much. Certain events have compelled us to extend our travels. One day, when you're older, you will learn all about the people we have befriended and the dangers we have faced. At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe us when we say that there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may, in fact, be the first steps of a journey. We hope to have you back in our arms soon, darlings, but in case this letter arrives before our return, know that we love you. It fills us with pride to know that no matter what happens in this life, that you three will take care of each other, with kindness and bravery and selflessness, as you always have. And remember one thing, my darlings, and never forget it: that no matter where we are, know that as long as you have each other, you have your family. And you are home.'
Count Olaf: [meeting the children for the first time] Ah! My dear...
[looks at stick figures of children with names on his hands]
Count Olaf: Violet. Enchantée!
Violet Baudelaire: Uh... how do you do?
Count Olaf: And this must be Klaus! Young Klaus! Your left side is the good one.
[looks with disgust at Sunny]
Count Olaf: And... what is *this*?
Sunny: [subtitled baby talk] I'm Sunny!
Count Olaf: I'm sorry. I don't speak monkey.
Count Olaf: [speaking to Klaus] Why, you little...
Sunny: [bites him]
[speaking baby talk]
Sunny: Back off, Parrot Face!
Count Olaf: Ohhhh!
Sunny: [baby talk] I'll bite higher!
Count Olaf: [speaks gibberish]
Sunny: [baby talk] Don't mock me!
Count Olaf: [speaks gibberish again]
Sunny: [baby talk] Wow, you *are* nuts.
Count Olaf: Now that we're a family, I can be the ulll-timate DAD.
Lemony Snicket: [the Littlest Elf has just come to an abrupt halt] I'm sorry to say that this is not the movie you will be watching. The movie you are about to see is extremely unpleasant. If you wish to see a film about a happy little elf, I'm sure there is still plenty of seating in theatre number two. However, if you like stories about clever and reasonably attractive orphans, suspicious fires, carnivorous leeches, Italian food and secret organizations, then stay, as I retrace each and every one of the Baudelaire children's woeful steps. My name is Lemony Snicket, and it is my sad duty to document this tale.
Lemony Snicket: Dear reader, there are people in the world who know no misery and woe. And they take comfort in cheerful films about twittering birds and giggling elves. There are people who know that there's always a mystery to be solved. And they take comfort in researching and writing down any important evidence. But this story is not about such people. This story is about the Baudelaires. And they are the sort of people who know that there's always something. Something to invent, something to read, something to bite, and something to do, to make a sanctuary, no matter how small. And for this reason, I am happy to say, the Baudelaires were very fortunate indeed.
Sunny: [about Aunt Josephine; subtitled baby talk] She's the *mayor* of crazy town!
[the Baudelaires are making Pasta Puttanesca]
Violet Baudelaire: Sunny, how's that pot coming?
[Sunny appears with a spitoon]
Sunny: [subtitled] Voila!
Klaus Baudelaire: Uh ,Sunny, that's not a pot. That's a spitoon.
Violet Baudelaire: A spitoon? You mean like...?
Klaus Baudelaire: [nods in disgust]
Violet Baudelaire: We'll wash it twice.
[on Stephano, after realizing that he had been caught in a lie]
Count Olaf: Damnit. This was such a good character.
Count Olaf: [to the room of his troupe of actors] Let us go back to the time when dinosaurs ruled the earth!
[raises arms like a T-rex and screeches, walking around like a pidgeon]
Klaus Baudelaire: [watches, bemused, as Count Olaf heads into the hall, still doing his dinosaur impersonation]
Count Olaf: [screeches, then sees Klaus] ... What are you staring at?
Count Olaf: Looks like you could use a little assistance.
Klaus Baudelaire: You're gonna need assistance when we get back to town! Aunt Josephine's gonna tell everyone what happened!
Count Olaf: [sarcastically] And then I'll be arrested and sent to jail and you'll live happily ever after with a friendly guardian, spending your time inventing things and reading books and sharpening your little monkey teeth, and bravery and nobility will prevail at last, and this wicked world will slowly but surely become a place of cheerful harmony, and everybody will be singing and dancing and giggling like the littlest elf! A happy ending! Is that what you had mind?
Count Olaf: All that I ask is that you do each and every little thing that pops into my head, while I enjoy the enormous fortune your parents left behind.
Count Olaf: This... is a little piece I like to call, "The Electric Chair".
[Sits in a chair. Everybody stares at him, while nothing happens]
Count Olaf: [Country/Redneck accent] I think ya' might have t' turn it up!
Count Olaf: [Regular accent] Is anybody
[Pretending to be electrified]
Count Olaf: OUT THERE?*!
Count Olaf: [through closed front door, after bell rings] In-trude!
Lemony Snicket: [narrating] If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels; and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it.
Mr. Poe: ...So I'm taking you to live with your dear Count Olaf, who resides right here in the city just 37 blocks away.
Klaus Baudelaire: I don't think that's what "closest" is supposed to mean.
Violet Baudelaire: We don't know a Count Olaf.
Mr. Poe: Yes, yes, of course you do. He's either your third cousin four times removed or your forth cousin three times removed.
Sunny: [subtitled baby talk] Someone's BRAIN'S been removed!
Violet Baudelaire: Sunny!
Lemony Snicket: [narrating] This is the story of the three Baudelaire children. Violet loved to invent; her brother, Klaus, loved to read; and their sister, Sunny... she loved to bite. My name is Lemony Snicket and it is my duty to tell you their tale. No one knows the precise cause of the Baudelaire fire, but just like that, the Baudelaire children became the Baudelaire orphans.
Klaus Baudelaire: How could they do this to us?
Violet Baudelaire: They're just bad people...
Klaus Baudelaire: Not them. Mom and Dad.
Violet Baudelaire: Klaus!
Klaus Baudelaire: Violet, you're thinking it too! How could they? Did they have no plan for us at all?
Violet Baudelaire: Maybe... maybe they did have a plan.
Klaus Baudelaire: [sarcastically] Sure looks like it to me.
Aunt Josephine: [the children have gasped at recognizing Count Olaf] The black plague! Is it the black plague?
Klaus Baudelaire: [backstage after Count Olaf has revealed his plan to marry Violet otherwise he'll kill Sunny] No... you're not going to go through with this?
Violet Baudelaire: I have to.
Klaus Baudelaire: No come on! There's always something! There's always something.
Violet Baudelaire: Not this time.
Klaus Baudelaire: But...
Violet Baudelaire: Go, Klaus.
Klaus Baudelaire: Violet...
Violet Baudelaire: Go!
Lemony Snicket: [narrating] I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but first impressions are often entirely wrong. For instance: Klaus, when Sunny was born, didn't like her at all; but by the time she was six weeks old, the two of them were as thick as thieves - a phrase which here means "fetching and biting for hours on end". In the case of Count Olaf, however...
Count Olaf: Orphans!
Lemony Snicket: [narrating] ... they were correct.
Count Olaf: I will raise these orphans as if they were actually wanted!
[Olaf tosses the children into their room after they fail to prepare a roast beef dinner and threaten to call Mr. Poe]
Count Olaf: I'm very disappointed in you children.
Count Olaf: [pretending to cry] Take them Mr. Poe, before I lose it big time.
Klaus Baudelaire: Violet, nothing happens by coincidence.
Klaus Baudelaire: This is not home.
Klaus Baudelaire: These things don't just happen.
Mr. Poe: Children, I'm afraid I must inform you of an extremely unfortunate event. I'm very, very sorry to tell you this but your parents have perished in a fire that has destroyed your entire home.
Sunny: [looking for Aunt Josephine] Aunt Jo!
The Detective: [to Violet] Little girl, the big cage door is open. No snake. Dead guy. You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking, "Who woke me up at nine in the morning for this?"
Sunny: [subtitled baby talk] Someone's been to crazy town.
[pretending to save Klaus from drowning]
Count Olaf: I saved him! I saved the boy from the leeches! Back to the depths, you fingery devils! You will not devour this boy's head today!
[after telling the children how Ike died]
Aunt Josephine: Oh, God, I hate it here.
Violet Baudelaire: Well, Aunt Josephine, have you ever thought of, maybe, moving someplace else? Maybe, if you moved away from Lake Lachrymose, you might feel better.
Aunt Josephine: Oh, I could never, never, never, never sell this house.
Aunt Josephine: I'm terrified of realtors.
Lemony Snicket: There are two kinds of fears. Rational and irrational. Being afraid of realtors is an irrational fear.
[in a flashback]
Realtor: [shows her card to a tentative Josephine] Is this a bad time?
Aunt Josephine: [screams at the top of her lungs]
[in the present]
Klaus Baudelaire: [to Violet] We gotta get her out of the house.
Count Olaf: [about Klaus] He's just a boy barely out of his Osh Kosh B'Gosh.
Count Olaf: Hello, I'm looking for Dr. Montgomery Montgomery. My name is Stephano, I am an Italian man.
[Jim Carrey sings a sea shanty as Captain Sham towards the end of the end credits]
Count Olaf: Oh, the Captain loved the ladies / But he dragged himself a wife / Now he's wishin' he was fishin' / But he's on the hook for life.
Count Olaf: Well, I guess he shouldn't 've oughta / But he drowned her in the water / And then a flounder downed her / That's why they never found her.
Mr. Poe: [about Stephano] The Italian fiend!
Count Olaf: [handing off Sunny] Hot potato!
Violet Baudelaire: There's always something.
Count Olaf: [disguised as Sailor Sham, a peg-legged sailor] Sure, I get the good parking spots, but who could love a man with one leg and a face like a hen's arse?
Lemony Snicket: This would be an excellent time to walk out of the theater, living room, or airplane where this film is being shown.
Uncle Monty: I was wondering if you wouldn't mind milking Petunia for me?
Count Olaf: Petunia? Well- uh- yeah. Sure. I'll take a shot at that.
[Grabbing for snake with stick, unsure]
Count Olaf: You know, they used to call me Old McDonald up at the milking lab. I used to milk these things all day long.
Count Olaf: But the little udders- they're hard to locate.
Violet Baudelaire: Do you remember when Mum and Dad went to Europe, and we thought they'd abandoned us because they didn't even write? And then we found out they'd written a long letter and it had just gotten lost in the mail. Do you remember how guilty we felt for thinking bad thoughts about them? This is just like that.
Klaus Baudelaire: No it's not.
Violet Baudelaire: Why?
Klaus Baudelaire: Because they're not in Europe. They're not coming back
[after Count Olaf's plan to legally marry Violet during "The Marvelous Marriage" is revealed]
Mr. Poe: You unspeakable cad! Arrest him!
The Detective: For what?
Mr. Poe: For being a greedy monster!
Count Olaf: Oh... I'm the monster? *I'm* the monster?
Count Olaf: *You're* the monster. These children tried to warn you, but you wouldn't listen. No one ever listens to children! You think you're innocent? You're accomplices! This certificate says that I have the fortune now! And there's nothing you can do about it!
Violet Baudelaire: We are very concerned.
[about the orphans who would love to take the Baudelaires' place]
Count Olaf: But I don't care about them. I chose to open my heart to you two lovely children and your hideous primate.
Klaus Baudelaire: Are you sure you tied your hair tight enough?
[during the play, Klaus sneaks away to save Sunny]
Klaus Baudelaire: What would Violet do? What would Violet do? There's always something. There's always something.
Count Olaf: You just stay where you're at and we'll come where you're to!
Lemony Snicket: [narrating] In a world of abandoned items and discarded materials, Violet knew there was always something. Something she could fashion into nearly any device, for nearly every occasion.
The Critic: [about toy plane on a string] I didn't know they had this budget!
Hook-Handed Henchman: Look what I did to pretty little home... Let's finish it!
Count Olaf: Look it up, bookworm!
The Critic: [about Violet and Olaf in the play, to the Detective] She doesn't deserve him.
Count Olaf: You know, there's a big world out there filled with desperate orphans who would gladly swim across an ocean of thumbtacks just to be eclipsed by the long shadow that is cast by my accomplishments.
Count Olaf: [as Stephano] Perhaps you should reevaluate your hypothesis.
White Faced Woman #2: [talking to other white faced woman] He said the milkmaid, not the cow.
Lemony Snicket: [after Aunt Josephine has told the children that she is afraid of realtors] There is two kinds of fear. Rational and irrational. Being afraid of realtors is irrational.
Sunny: You can't be buying this.
Count Olaf: [Coaching the Person of Intermediate Gender] The answer "Liza" within you.
Mr. Poe: Now, as chief officer of Mulctuary Management, and the executor of your parents' estate, it is my legal obligation to take care of your money till you come of age and to place you in the care of your closest relative.
Violet Baudelaire: [to Aunt Josephine while fighting off leeches] Aunt Josephine that is not helping!
Violet Baudelaire: [to Olaf before the fake play] I'll never say I do. Never.
Klaus Baudelaire: [to Violet on a dock on Lake Lachrymose] Does it strike you as odd that none of our relatives are related to us?
Count Olaf: [from his boat to the Baudelaires and Aunt Josephine] Hello, hello, hello. I missed you guys. Looks like you could use a little assistance.
Klaus Baudelaire: You're gonna need assistance when we baack to town! Aunt Josephine's gonna tell everyone what happened!
Count Olaf: [in a fast sarcastic tone] Then I'll be arrested and sent to jail, and you'll live happily ever after with a friendly guardian, spending your time inventing things and reading books and sharpening your little monkey teeth, and bravery and nobility will prevail at last and this wicked world will slowly but surely become a place of cheerful harmony and everyone will be singing and dancing and giggling like the Littles Elf. Happy ending. Is that what you had in mind?
Count Olaf: Hello, hello, hello.
[Count Olaf has revealed he has Sunny hanging in a cage next to the tower]
Violet Baudelaire: How could you? She's an infant!
Count Olaf: Oh, Violet. Violet, Violet, Violet. Violet. You're 14 years old. You should know by now that you can't have everything you want. You want a life of happiness? A roof over your head? A place to call your own and all that jazz? And what about what I want? I want that enormous fortune and for all investigations against me to cease. You're going to help me get what I want... tonight.
Lemony Snicket: [narrating] Sanctuary is a word which here means a small safe place in a troubling world. Like an oasis in a vast desert or an island in a stormy sea. The Baudelaires enjoyed their evening in the sanctuary they helped build together, but in their hearts they knew that the troubling world lay just outside. A world, which I'm sad to say, can be described in two dismal words.
Judge: Custody granted.
Count Olaf: [as Mr. Poe and those attending the play get out of their seats and converge on him] Now, now! Let's keep our heads here! If you do anything to me, you'll just sink to my level. Not to mention setting a terrible example for the children.
[Count Olaf gasps as he is then handcuffed by the Detective]
Lemony Snicket: [narrating as the scene cuts back to Count Olaf as the crowd closes in on him] I am thrilled to say that Count Olaf was captured for crimes too numerous to mention and before serving his life sentence, it was the judge's decree that Olaf be made to suffer every hardship that he forced upon the children.
Count Olaf: [upon throwing the anchor on the broken part of the house] Yes.
[the broken part of the house falls into the lake. Then cuts to Count Olaf in a boat trying to fend off the Lachrymose Leeches]
Count Olaf: Get out.
[Some Lachrymose Leeches get onto him]
Count Olaf: Oh no!
[Cuts to a train coming towards Count Olaf who is trapped in the car on the grading as he screams]
Lemony Snicket: [narrating as Klaus and Sunny look towards Violet on the stage] The Baudelaires have triumphed. A word hear means unmasking a cruel and talentless arsonist and solving the mystery of the Baudelaire Fire.
[cuts to the Baudelaires leaving Count Olaf's house]
Lemony Snicket: If only justice were as kind. Count Olaf vanished after a jury of his peers overturned his sentence. As for the Baudelaires, what laid ahead of them was unclear. But one thing they knew as they climbed once again into the back of Mr. Poe's car, they were moving on.
Count Olaf: [as Captain Sham] I's the boy who runs the boat down near the pier there!
Aunt Josephine: Oh... what happened to Captain Sam?
Count Olaf: Uhhhh... he's me third cousin on me father's side. He's afeared of that big gale comin' in. Said he started to get that sinkin' feelin'.
[cut to Captain Sam being thrown into the water, chained to an anchor]
Count Olaf: ...Sure he'll turn up sooner or later.
Count Olaf: [as Stefano] They used to call me Old MacDonald up at the old Milking Lab there, because I'd milk these things all day long. But the little udders... they're hard to locate...
Klaus Baudelaire: Everything happens for a reason.