Audrey Davis: [Jenny bursts into the motel room] Aunt Jenny? What are you doing here? How did you find me?
Jenny Portman: You have ten seconds to get your things together and get in the car.
Jenny Portman: [to BZ who has just come out of the bathroom] Stay! Ten...
Audrey Davis: You're not my mother, if you haven't noticed.
Jenny Portman: No. But I love you very much, and I will be your worst nightmare if you don't get in that car now. Seven, six...
BZ: But we're not ready to go yet.
Jenny Portman: Oh, you're not ready? Well... Well, are you ready for this?
[Jenny who is pregnant motions to her stomach]
Jenny Portman: I don't think so. Are you ready to be a parent? I don't think so.
Jenny Portman: [to Audrey] Four, three...
Audrey Davis: Are you happy? You just ruined my entire life.
Jenny Portman: Well, we'll fix it later. Two...
[back to BZ]
Jenny Portman: You.
BZ: Chill out, Mommy.
Jenny Portman: Hey.
BZ: It's all good.
Jenny Portman: [cutting in] Don't you talk to me like that.
BZ: It's just a prom.
Jenny Portman: [cutting in more] You listen to me. If you ever so much as blink in her direction again, I can and will bury you so far in the ground that the heat from the earth's core will incinerate your sorry ass. Do you understand me?
BZ: Yes, ma'am.
Jenny Portman: By the way, you're not a bad person. But this is very bad behavior. Very bad behavior.
Landlord: I am only available between eight thirty and nine in the morning because I have a life.
[Helen starts to read Jenny's letter from Lindsay]
Helen Harris: Dear Jenny, If you're reading this, you know that I'm gone. And I asked Helen to be the guardian for the kids.
Lindsay Davis: [voiceover] And you're probably freaked about it. Yes, it's a surprising choice, considering that you are the most incredible mother I've ever known. If you find this letter odd, understand that my "always be prepared" Paul convinced me to write it now while our children are young. You must know from experience that when it comes to picking somebody else to raise your kids, no one seems right. No one is you. And so you choose someone who is most like you. Someone that will give the kids a taste of their real mom, the mom they lost and never really got to know. In so many ways, we are so much alike, that's why I chose Helen. Of course, she'll have lots of fights with the kids, yet she'll find a way to make up. I know sometimes she messes things up and makes big mistakes. On the other hand, she also makes big comebacks. Respect her Jenny. Give her a shot. We're family and I'm counting on you to keep everyone together. I know, Helen will certainly need some help learning how to be a mother to my kids, but I've got you for that. And who could be better? After all, you raised Helen, you'll teach her how to be a mom. Just like you taught her how to tie her shoes. I can still hear you telling her, "The bunny goes around the tree, and into the burrow...
Helen Harris: [watches Sarah tie her shoe] Pull tight.
Helen Harris: Audrey, sweetie, can you do me a favor and get me your wallet?
Audrey Davis: Why?
Helen Harris: Could you just do it, please?
[Audrey grabs her wallet]
Helen Harris: Open it up and give me your fake ID.
Audrey Davis: Why?
Helen Harris: Because I said so, that's why.
Audrey Davis: I'm not gonna give it to you. I'm not a child.
Helen Harris: Yes, you are. You are a child, Audrey. And you have a right to a childhood and you should fight for it. But if you wont, then I will. Now give me your ID.
[Audrey takes fake I.D. out of her wallet and throws it at Helen]
Helen Harris: That was very adult of you.
Audrey Davis: [shouts] You tricked me. I thought you were on my side, but you're just like her.
[points at Jenny]
Audrey Davis: [shouts] I hate you. Do you hear me? I hate you.
Helen Harris: Well, I'm just gonna have to live with that.
Ed Portman: Maybe it's a celebrity, coming to knit with you!
Pastor Dan Parker: I'm a sexy man of God, and I know it.
Nilma Prasad: [Nilma swings a bat at the teenagers partying] Baggy pants little diaper boy. Get out of here!
Pastor Dan Parker: Let's talk about some things you could do at home.
Helen Harris: You wanna know what I've been doing at home? I've been doing the best I can. Do you have any idea what this has done to my life?
Pastor Dan Parker: Hey, Helen, you have any idea what it's done to theirs?
Helen Harris: Hey, Pastor Dan? Mr. Self-righteous? I'm hanging on by a thread here. I lost my sister, my social life, my disposable income, my ability to fit into a size 2, and - this just in - my job. Pretty much the only two things that haven't disappeared are my nicotine fits and a few pounds that have recently taken up residence on my ass. So forgive me if I'm not too thrilled about being lectured, in Queens, about being a lousy legal guardian to three kids who maybe shouldn't have been given to me in the first place.
Jenny Portman: I'd rather sleep in a field, crazy man.
Fashion Show Security: [speaking into headset] Model down! I repeat: we have a model down!
Henry Davis: How'd he get past the visual security system?
Sarah Davis: It smells like mommy in here.
Gary Hagelnick: I don't do naked!... any more.
Helen Harris: Henry, stop brushing your teeth. They're gonna fall out.
Mickey Massey: She gets a ham!
Mickey Massey: [over the PA system after Helen hijacks his car] Helen, I think you misunderstood!
Henry Davis: [Helen lights a cigarette] It's going to be hard to take care of us if you're dead, too.
Club Doorman: What we got here; 1,2,3,4 - 4 beautiful ladies. Come on. Cesar let them in. Nice. Not you, too random.
Henry Davis: It's about time, Sarah.
Jenny Portman: You know what they. It's not over 'til the fat lady swings.
Audrey Davis: [to her friends] Hey, everyone, this is my aunt Helen.
Boy: She don't look like no aunt I ever had.
[Audrey smokes a cigarette]
Helen Harris: [takes cigarette] What are you...? What is this? What is this?
Audrey Davis: I thought you wanted to meet my friends. This is BZ. He's a DJ. This is his mix.
BZ: Whassup, Mommy?
Jenny Portman: [Being kicked by her unborn child] Ooh, ooh! Sweetie, what did mommy say about kicking while she's having a conversation? You need to wait until she's finished. Thank you very much.
Helen Harris: Did you just boss around the unborn?
Jenny Portman: It's never too early to learn good manners.