Eddie: Ken, Ken er, Ken?

Joan: Hello, Ken, notice anything different?

Ken: Hello, Joan, Eddie. Bloody hell you two look smart, what's the occasion?

Tanya: It's their wedding anniversary, Ken.

Ken: Is it? Well, congratulations.

Joan: 19 years today.

Eddie: The great trainrobbers didn't get that eh, Ken eh?

[laughs]

Ken: Has Oscar Wilde come in?

Eddie: Ey, are you having that, Tommy? 19 years we've being together, the great trainrobbers didn't get that, eh?

Tommy: I've heard it before Eddie, millions of times.

Eddie: Righto, then.

Ken: So, what's your secret then, Eddie?

Eddie: Always be honest to each other, that's the first thing.

Ken: Oh, aye.

Eddie: And tell her you love her at least once a day.

Ken: Oh, well, make your mind up Eddie, it's one or the other.

Eddie: Ohm no, well, that's the secret

Tanya: Oh, I think it's lovely. So are you going anywhere nice?

Joan: Just in here. We might stop for some chips on the way home.

Joe: Bloody hell, Posh and Becks, eat your hearts out

Joan: [laughs] What is he like?

Tanya: Is that all your doing on your wedding anniversary then, Eddie, coming in here and then going for a bag of chips?

Eddie: Well, there's nothing wrong with that.

Tanya: It's hardly romantic, though, is it?

Ken: Show her how much you love her Eddie, throw in a fish.

Tommy: [talking about how there is too much rubbish on the TV] That pillock from Sainsbury's was on again, he's never off him, cooking another pan full of shite that only his mates will eat. And then I flicked over to the other side and there were a bunch of nobodies sitting in a house and we're expected to watch them eat, sleep and shit and then as soon as they say anything interesting they put a load of bird noises on. I tell ya, I don't know what the world's coming to.

Ken: [talking about the two coppers Phil and Nige] You know why they're not coming, don't ya?

Everyone: Why?

Ken: [holding up a sausage] Cos they won't eat their own!

Nige: [after Ken turns down a spliff] You know, if you were any squarer Ken, you'd be an Oxo cube.

Ken: Come on, everybody, party's over, lets be having ya. And you, Tommy, come on you better hurry up your mates'll lock the gates back at the cemetery.

Ken: [talking about Joan and Eddie] If they were any thicker, they'd set.

Tommy: [Debbie's phone rings] Bloody mobile phones, they're not welcome here!

Debbie: Neither are you, it hasn't stopped ya.