Berta: [whenever she sees a big mess being made] I ain't cleaning that up!
Charlie: [repeated line, whenever he's put in a sticky situation] Uuuuuoo.
Russell: What are you, a cop?
Charlie: That ship has sailed.
Judith Harper: JAAAKE! YOUR FATHER IS HERE!
Evelyn Harper: Alan darling, you were always the good son. Of course, your brother didn't set the bar very high.
Mia: [whenever Charlie says something outrageous] Are you out of your freaking mind?
Charlie: [repeated line, when he senses trouble] Oh boy.
Alan Harper: [Alan is moving out, and Charlie has labeled a box "Porn And Blow-Up Doll"] You couldn't spell "Miscellaneous"?
Rose: [this is Charlie's last appearance in the entire series] I think that's everything.
Charlie: What'd you tell your husband?
Rose: I didn't have to tell him anything, he's in New York for a big fashion show.
Charlie: Perfect. So what kind of clothes does he design anyway?
Rose: Men's sports wear mostly.
Charlie: Anything I might like?
Rose: No, it's more the kind of stuff Alan would wear.
Charlie: Oh. So tacky.
Rose: I think I left my raincoat in the bedroom.
Charlie: I'll get it.
Rose: Oh, thanks.
[realizes he might find out about the mannequinn]
Charlie: [opens the closet and sees the mannequinn in front of him] Whoa! I guess the guy brings his work home then.
[takes a closer look at the clothes]
Charlie: Yep. Tacky.
[grabs Rose's raincoat]
Charlie: I got it!
Charlie: [on Jake] How can I be blackmailed by Forrest Gump?
Alan Harper: You're writing a report on The Taming Of The Shrew, not The Voyages Of Cap'n Crunch!
Jake Harper: Too bad. I could write the crap out of that.
Alan Harper: Okay... I'm not fooling around here...! You're gonna finish this DAMN BOOK and write the DAMN REPORT, and you're gonna hand it in on Monday, spell-checked, formatted AND ON FREAKIN' TIME!
Jake Harper: I have my doubts, dad.
[scrolling through contact list]
Charlie: [sings alphabet] A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H... Hookers! Hookers, hookers, hookers...
Berta: Hey, Skippy!
Chelsea: [whenever Charlie says something offensive that drives her away] Drop dead!
Alan Harper: [repeated line, whenever he's stressed out] I-I-I-I-I...
Charlie: What the hell are you doing?
Charlie: You're angry and resentful. But what you need to understand is that resentment is the mortar that holds the bricks of loneliness together in a wall of alienation and despair. Chapter 3, Knocking Down the Wall.
Alan Harper: Bite me. That's Chapter 1 in my forthcoming book entitled Bite Me. Chapter 2 is called Kiss My Pale White Ass.
Charlie: She/He's not coming back.
Charlie: Get out.
Jake Harper: [from blooper reel] Uncle Charlie, you're a dick.
Various characters: Rat bastard!
Various characters: [repeated line, from women Charlie manages to piss off] You son of a bitch!
Charlie: [repeated line, when someone says something dumb] Hellouu?
Alan Harper: [when his receptionist keeps staring at him] Have I told you lately you are doing a great job? Because you are doing a great job! In fact, I'm gonna make you employee of the month!