Lindsay Lohan credited as playing...
Cady Heron
- Cady: [narrating] Calling somebody else fat won't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter. And ruining Regina George's life definitely didn't make me any happier. All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.
- Regina: Why don't I know you?
- Cady: I'm new. I just moved here from Africa.
- Regina: What?
- Cady: I used to be home-schooled.
- Regina: Wait... what?
- Cady: My mom taught me at home...
- Regina: No, I know what home-school is, I'm not retarded! So you've actually never been to a real school before? Shut up! Shut up!
- Cady: I didn't say anything.
- Gretchen: Regina, we have to talk to you.
- Regina: Is butter a carb?
- Cady: [Rudely] YES.
- Gretchen: Regina, you're wearing sweatpants. It's Monday.
- Regina: So...?
- Karen: So that's against the rules, and you can't sit with us.
- Regina: Whatever. Those rules aren't real.
- Karen: They were real that day I wore a vest!
- Regina: Because that vest was disgusting!
- Gretchen: You can't sit with us!
- Regina: [pause] These sweatpants are all that fits me right now.
- Regina: [after being ignored] Fine! You can walk home, bitches.
- Chip Heron: Hey, how was school?
- Cady: Fine.
- Betsy Heron: Were people nice?
- Cady: No.
- Chip Heron: Did you make any friends?
- Cady: Yes.
- Gretchen: Why should Caesar just get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar, right? Brutus is just as smart as Caesar, people totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar, and when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody because that's not what Rome is about! We should totally just STAB CAESAR!
- Cady: [voiceover] Gretchen Wieners had cracked.
- [Mr. Duvall is introducing Cady to the class]
- Mr. Duvall: Her name is Cady. Cady Heron. Where are you, Cady?
- Cady: That's me. It's pronounced like Katie.
- Mr. Duvall: My apologies. I have a nephew named Anfernee, and I know how mad he gets when I call him Anthony. Almost as mad as I get when I think about the fact that my sister named him Anfernee.
- Cady: Oh dear.
- Janis: You dirty little liar!
- Cady: I'm sorry, I can explain...
- Janis: Explain how you forgot to invite us to your party?
- Damian: Janis, I cannot stop this car. I have a curfew at 1:00 AM.
- Cady: You know I couldn't invite you. I had to pretend to be plastic.
- Janis: Hey, buddy, you're not pretending anymore. You're plastic. Cold, shiny, hard plastic.
- Damian: Curfew, 1:00 AM. It is now 1:10.
- Janis: By the way, did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters, listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each others awesomeness?
- Cady: You know, you're the one who made me like this so you could use me for your 8th grade revenge!
- Janis: God! See, at least me and Regina George know we're mean. You try to act so innocent. Like, "Oh, I used to live in Africa with all the little birdies, and the little monkeys!"
- Cady: You know what? It's not my fault you're like in love with me or something!
- Janis: What?
- Damian: Oh, no, she did not!
- Janis: See? That is the thing with you Plastics. You think that everybody is in love with you, when actually, everybody hates you! Like Aaron Samuels, for example: he broke up with Regina and guess what? He still doesn't want you! So why are you still messing with Regina, Cady? I'll tell you why. Because you are a mean girl! You're a bitch! Here. You can have this. It won a prize.
- Damian: [Yells out the window as he drives away with Janis] And I want my pink shirt back! You hear me? I want my pink shirt back!
- Mrs. George: [serving the Plastics fruit drinks] Hey, you guys! Happy hour is from four to six!
- Cady: Um, is there alcohol in this?
- Mrs. George: Oh, God, honey, no! What kind of mother do you think I am? Why, do you want a little bit? Because if you're going to drink I'd rather you do it in the house.
- Cady: Half the people in this room are mad at me, and the other half only like me because they think I pushed somebody in front a bus, so that's not good.
- Regina: I gave him everything! I was half a virgin when I met him.
- Karen: Do you wanna do something fun? Wanna go to taco bell?
- Regina: I can't go to taco bell, I'm on an all-carb diet. GOD Karen you're so stupid!
- [Regina leaves, Gretchen follows]
- Gretchen: Wait, Regina! Talk to me!
- Regina: No one understands me...
- Gretchen: I understand you!
- [Regina & Gretchen's voices fade out]
- Cady: You're not stupid, Karen.
- Karen: No, I am actually. I'm failing almost everything!
- Cady: Well... there must be something you're good at.
- Karen: I can stick my whole fist in my mouth! Wanna see?
- Cady: No no no... Anything else?
- Karen: Well... I'm kinda psychic. I have a fifth sense.
- Cady: What do you mean?
- Karen: It's like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when it's going to rain.
- Cady: Really? That's amazing.
- Karen: Well... they can tell when it's raining.
- Cady: [voiceover] Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.
- Cady: [after humiliating Regina] Regina, wait! I didn't mean for this to happen!
- Regina: To find out that everyone hates me? I don't care!
- Cady: Regina, please! Regina, stop!
- Regina: [turns to Cady and screams as she walks toward her] Do you know what everyone says about you? They say that you're nothing but a home-schooled jungle freak, who happens to be a less hot version of me! Yeah! So don't bother trying to act so innocent! You can take that fake apology and stuff it right up your hairy...
- [gets hit by a bus]
- Cady: [voice-over] And that's how Regina George died. No, I'm totally kidding. But the fact is, she did get hurt. Some girls say they saw her head go all the way around. But that's just a rumor. Some people swear they saw me push her right in front of the bus. That was an even worse rumor.
- Cady: Hey!
- Regina: Why were you talking to Janis Ian?
- Cady: I don't know, I mean, she's so weird, she just, you know, came up to me and started talking to me about crack.
- Regina: She's so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Janis Ian. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. So then in eighth grade, I started going out with my first boyfriend Kyle who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to Indiana, and Janis was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow her off to hang out with Kyle, she'd be like, "Why didn't you call me back?" And I'd be like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?" So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-girls pool party, I was like, "Janis, I can't invite you, because I think you're lesbian." I mean I couldn't have a lesbian at my party. There were gonna be girls there in their *bathing suits*. I mean, right? She was a LESBIAN. So then her mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then she dropped out of school because no one would talk to her, and she came back in the fall for high school, all of her hair was cut off and she was totally weird, and now I guess she's on crack.
- Karen: God. My hips are huge!
- Gretchen: Oh please. I hate my calves.
- Regina: At least you guys can wear halters. I've got man shoulders.
- Cady: [voiceover] I used to think there was just fat and skinny. But apparently there's lots of things that can be wrong on your body.
- Gretchen: My hairline is so weird.
- Regina: My pores are huge.
- Karen: My nail beds suck.
- [pause. All look at Cady]
- Cady: I have really bad breath in the morning.
- Karen: Ew!