- Cady: [narrating] Calling somebody else fat won't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter. And ruining Regina George's life definitely didn't make me any happier. All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.
- Janis: [to the female student body] Okay, yeah. I've got an apology. So, I have this friend who is a new student this year. And I convinced her that it would be fun to mess up Regina George's life. So I had her pretend to be friends with Regina, and then she would come to my house after and we would just laugh about all the dumb stuff Regina said. And we gave these candy bar things that would make her gain weight, and then we turned her best friends against her. And then... Oh yeah, Cady - you know my friend Cady? She made out with her boyfriend, and we convinced him to break up with her. Oh, God, and we gave her foot cream instead of face wash.
- [to Regina]
- Janis: God! I am so sorry Regina. Really, I don't know why I did this. I guess it's probably because I've got a big *lesbian* crush on you! Suck on *that*! AY-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI!
- Regina: Why don't I know you?
- Cady: I'm new. I just moved here from Africa.
- Regina: What?
- Cady: I used to be home-schooled.
- Regina: Wait... what?
- Cady: My mom taught me at home...
- Regina: No, I know what home-school is, I'm not retarded! So you've actually never been to a real school before? Shut up! Shut up!
- Cady: I didn't say anything.
- Gretchen: Regina, we have to talk to you.
- Regina: Is butter a carb?
- Cady: [Rudely] YES.
- Gretchen: Regina, you're wearing sweatpants. It's Monday.
- Regina: So...?
- Karen: So that's against the rules, and you can't sit with us.
- Regina: Whatever. Those rules aren't real.
- Karen: They were real that day I wore a vest!
- Regina: Because that vest was disgusting!
- Gretchen: You can't sit with us!
- Regina: [pause] These sweatpants are all that fits me right now.
- Regina: [after being ignored] Fine! You can walk home, bitches.
- Ms. Norbury: Raise your hand if you have ever been personally victimized by Regina George?
- [she watches all students and teachers raise hands]
- Chip Heron: Hey, how was school?
- Cady: Fine.
- Betsy Heron: Were people nice?
- Cady: No.
- Chip Heron: Did you make any friends?
- Cady: Yes.
- Regina: Oh my God, I love your skirt! Where did you get it?
- Lea Edwards: It was my mom's in the '80s.
- Regina: Vintage, so adorable.
- Lea Edwards: Thanks.
- Regina: [after girl walks away] That is the ugliest f-ing skirt I've ever seen.
- Gretchen: Why should Caesar just get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar, right? Brutus is just as smart as Caesar, people totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar, and when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody because that's not what Rome is about! We should totally just STAB CAESAR!
- Cady: [voiceover] Gretchen Wieners had cracked.
- [Mr. Duvall is introducing Cady to the class]
- Mr. Duvall: Her name is Cady. Cady Heron. Where are you, Cady?
- Cady: That's me. It's pronounced like Katie.
- Mr. Duvall: My apologies. I have a nephew named Anfernee, and I know how mad he gets when I call him Anthony. Almost as mad as I get when I think about the fact that my sister named him Anfernee.
- Crying Girl: [reading from paper] I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school... I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy...
- [about to cry]
- Damian: [shouting from back] She doesn't even go here!
- Ms. Norbury: Do you even go to this school?
- Crying Girl: No... I just have a lot of feelings...
- Ms. Norbury: Ok go home...
- [girl walks off stage]
- Ms. Norbury: Next!
- Bethany Byrd: [to Mr. Duvall] Somebody wrote in that book that I'm lying about being a virgin, 'cause I use super-jumbo tampons, but I can't help it if I've got a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina!
- Coach Carr: Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die! Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, OK, promise? OK, now everybody take some rubbers.
- Coach Carr: At your age, you're going to have a lot of urges. You're going to want to take off your clothes, and touch each other. But if you do touch each other, you *will* get chlamydia... and die.
- Cady: Oh dear.
- Janis: You dirty little liar!
- Cady: I'm sorry, I can explain...
- Janis: Explain how you forgot to invite us to your party?
- Damian: Janis, I cannot stop this car. I have a curfew at 1:00 AM.
- Cady: You know I couldn't invite you. I had to pretend to be plastic.
- Janis: Hey, buddy, you're not pretending anymore. You're plastic. Cold, shiny, hard plastic.
- Damian: Curfew, 1:00 AM. It is now 1:10.
- Janis: By the way, did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters, listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each others awesomeness?
- Cady: You know, you're the one who made me like this so you could use me for your 8th grade revenge!
- Janis: God! See, at least me and Regina George know we're mean. You try to act so innocent. Like, "Oh, I used to live in Africa with all the little birdies, and the little monkeys!"
- Cady: You know what? It's not my fault you're like in love with me or something!
- Janis: What?
- Damian: Oh, no, she did not!
- Janis: See? That is the thing with you Plastics. You think that everybody is in love with you, when actually, everybody hates you! Like Aaron Samuels, for example: he broke up with Regina and guess what? He still doesn't want you! So why are you still messing with Regina, Cady? I'll tell you why. Because you are a mean girl! You're a bitch! Here. You can have this. It won a prize.
- Damian: [Yells out the window as he drives away with Janis] And I want my pink shirt back! You hear me? I want my pink shirt back!
- Mrs. George: [serving the Plastics fruit drinks] Hey, you guys! Happy hour is from four to six!
- Cady: Um, is there alcohol in this?
- Mrs. George: Oh, God, honey, no! What kind of mother do you think I am? Why, do you want a little bit? Because if you're going to drink I'd rather you do it in the house.
- [Damien is in the Girl's Bathroom]
- Short Girl: Hey, get out of here.
- Damian: Oh my God - Danny DeVito! I love your work!
- Karen: You know who's looking fine tonight? Seth Mosakowski.
- Gretchen: Okay, you did not just say that.
- Karen: What? He's a good kisser.
- Gretchen: He's your cousin.
- Karen: Yeah, but he's my first cousin.
- Gretchen: Right.
- Karen: So, you have your cousins, and then you have your first cousins, and then you have your second cousins...
- Gretchen: No, honey, uh-uh.
- Karen: That's not right, is it?
- Gretchen: That is so not right.
- Shane Oman: Why are you eating a Kalteen bar?
- Regina: Because I'm starving.
- Shane Oman: Man, I hate those things.
- Regina: Oh, really? And why is that?
- Shane Oman: Because Coach Carr makes us eat those when we want to move up a weight class.
- Regina: What?
- Shane Oman: They make you gain weight like crazy.
- [Regina spits out the bite of the bar that she was chewing, and then lets out a high-pitched scream]
- Mrs. George: I just want you to know, if you ever need anything, don't be shy, OK? There are NO rules in the house. I'm not like a *regular* mom, I'm a *cool* mom.
- Cady: Half the people in this room are mad at me, and the other half only like me because they think I pushed somebody in front a bus, so that's not good.
- Janis: Regina George... How do I begin to explain Regina George?
- Emma Gerber: Regina George is flawless.
- Mathlete Tim Pak: I hear her hair's insured for $10,000.
- Amber D'Alessio: I hear she does car commercials... in Japan.
- Kristen Hadley: Her favorite movie is Varsity Blues.
- Short Girl: One time she met John Stamos on a plane...
- Jessica Lopez: - And he told her she was pretty.
- Bethany Byrd: One time she punched me in the face... it was awesome.
- Janis: [reading list the major cliques in high school] You got your freshmen, ROTC guys, preps, J.V. jocks, Asian nerds, Cool Asians, Varsity jocks Unfriendly black hotties, Girls who eat their feelings, Girls who don't eat anything, Desperate wannabes, Burnouts, Sexually active band geeks,
- [a picture of herself and Damian come on screen]
- Janis: the greatest people you will ever meet, and the worst. Beware of plastics.
- Mr. Duvall: [seeing all the girls fighting] Hell, no. I did not leave the South Side for this!
- [hits fire alarm with a baseball bat]
- Mr. Duvall: ALL JUNIOR GIRLS REPORT TO THE GYMNASIUM IMMEDIATELY! IMMEDIATELY!
- Regina: I gave him everything! I was half a virgin when I met him.
- Karen: Do you wanna do something fun? Wanna go to taco bell?
- Regina: I can't go to taco bell, I'm on an all-carb diet. GOD Karen you're so stupid!
- [Regina leaves, Gretchen follows]
- Gretchen: Wait, Regina! Talk to me!
- Regina: No one understands me...
- Gretchen: I understand you!
- [Regina & Gretchen's voices fade out]
- Cady: You're not stupid, Karen.
- Karen: No, I am actually. I'm failing almost everything!
- Cady: Well... there must be something you're good at.
- Karen: I can stick my whole fist in my mouth! Wanna see?
- Cady: No no no... Anything else?
- Karen: Well... I'm kinda psychic. I have a fifth sense.
- Cady: What do you mean?
- Karen: It's like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when it's going to rain.
- Cady: Really? That's amazing.
- Karen: Well... they can tell when it's raining.
- Cady: [voiceover] Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.
- Homeschooled Boy: And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle, so that Man could fight the dinosaurs. And the homosexuals.
- Ms. Norbury: [after implying that an elderly biker is her boyfriend] I'm kidding. Sometimes older people make jokes too.
- Damian: My grandma takes her wig off when she's drunk.
- Ms. Norbury: Your grandmother and I have that in common.
- Mr. Duvall: Did your teacher ever try to sell you marijuana or ecstasy tablets?
- Aaron Samuels: No.
- Kevin Gnapoor: What are marijuana tablets?
- Cady: [after humiliating Regina] Regina, wait! I didn't mean for this to happen!
- Regina: To find out that everyone hates me? I don't care!
- Cady: Regina, please! Regina, stop!
- Regina: [turns to Cady and screams as she walks toward her] Do you know what everyone says about you? They say that you're nothing but a home-schooled jungle freak, who happens to be a less hot version of me! Yeah! So don't bother trying to act so innocent! You can take that fake apology and stuff it right up your hairy...
- [gets hit by a bus]
- Cady: [voice-over] And that's how Regina George died. No, I'm totally kidding. But the fact is, she did get hurt. Some girls say they saw her head go all the way around. But that's just a rumor. Some people swear they saw me push her right in front of the bus. That was an even worse rumor.
- Cady: Hey!
- Regina: Why were you talking to Janis Ian?
- Cady: I don't know, I mean, she's so weird, she just, you know, came up to me and started talking to me about crack.
- Regina: She's so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Janis Ian. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. So then in eighth grade, I started going out with my first boyfriend Kyle who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to Indiana, and Janis was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow her off to hang out with Kyle, she'd be like, "Why didn't you call me back?" And I'd be like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?" So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-girls pool party, I was like, "Janis, I can't invite you, because I think you're lesbian." I mean I couldn't have a lesbian at my party. There were gonna be girls there in their *bathing suits*. I mean, right? She was a LESBIAN. So then her mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then she dropped out of school because no one would talk to her, and she came back in the fall for high school, all of her hair was cut off and she was totally weird, and now I guess she's on crack.
- Gretchen: [to Cady] If only you knew how mean she really is... You'd know that I'm not allowed to wear hoop earrings, right? Yeah! Two years ago she told me hoops earrings were *her* thing and I wasn't allowed to wear them anymore. And then for Hannakuh my parents got this pair of really expensive white gold hoops and I had to pretend like I didn't even like them and... it was so sad. And you know she cheats on Aaron? Yes, every Thursday he thinks she's doing SAT prep but really she's hooking up with Shane Oman in the projection room above the auditorium! I never told anybody that because I am *such* a good friend!
- [begins to cry]
- Kevin Gnapoor: [after cutting into dance] What's up?
- Janis: Can I help you?
- Kevin Gnapoor: You Puerto Rican?
- Janis: Lebanese.
- Kevin Gnapoor: I feel that.
- Jason: [reading from the Burn Book] Trang Pak made out with Coach Carr! And so did Sun Jin Dinh!
- Trang Pak: [in Vietnamese] You little sleaze!
- Sun Jin Dinh: You're the sleaze!
- [both start fighting each other]
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