Al: Have you ever met Céline Dion?

Eminem: I have felt like killing her before.

Al: Well, obviously, we all have. Umm, ever felt like killing anybody else?

Eminem: Y'know, most of my family members.

Al: That's nice. Which reminds me, do you feel that you owe at least part of your success to the loving support that your family has given you over the years?

Eminem: I don't owe nobody in my family nothin'.

Al: You don't owe nobody in your family nothing? Wow, that's a triple negative. Does that mean you do owe somebody in your family something?

Eminem: It's like, it's up to you to decide, you know?

[Al introduces Britney Spears to Justin Timberlake]

Britney Spears: Oh! It's Michael Jackson!

Al: I know it's your favorite, so I made you a Twinky Weiner Sandwich.

Eminem: I knew you'd make it. I knew you'd make it.

Al: But before I give it to you, I just want you to answer me one simple question... What is the mathematical formula used to determine the area inside a pentadomecahedrum?

Eminem: It's a simple formula. It's a simple formula.

Al: Alright, what is it?

Eminem: You know.

Al: No, I don't know. What is it?

Eminem: It's... it's... it's easy, I mean, the formula is, first of all, there, you know...

Al: Yeah, that's what I thought. You have no idea what you're talking about.

Eminem: Yeah, so I'd better just shut up.

Al: Uh-huh.

Al: Well, I've been asking all the questions here. Are there any questions you want to ask me?

Eminem: You know, how many times can you rhyme "tear me apart" and "breaking my heart"?

Al: Well, let's see... Homer and Bart, medical chart, strawberry tart, served allacart, back to the start, post-modern art, plastic londart, missing a part, Humphrey Bullgart, rip me apart, and blue light special each day at K-Mart! Eleven!

Al: I have to admit I was a little bit nervous about doing this interview.

Eminem: Relax, guy. I like gay men.

Al: That's great, but... I'm not gay.

Eminem: I don't believe that.

Al: Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not. What? Do you find me attractive or something?

Eminem: Maybe I do.

Al: Wait, are you hitting on me?

Eminem: Yeah.

Al: Uh...

Eminem: You don't have anything to say?

Al: Well... I'm flattered, I guess, but... I'm just really not interested. Why don't you go hit on Brad Pitt or something?

Eminem: Yeah, he's cute, but isn't he married, though?

Al: Yeah, I guess so, but... Look, I'm sorry if you got the wrong impression. I just asked you here so I could interview you. That's all.

Eminem: Well, what the fuck? This is... This is bullshit to me.

Al: Hey, calm down! I just wanted to talk to you about your music! You know, I happen to think you're very tallented, and I think you've got a lot of potential for growth. I see your talent as kind of a little acorn seed, and when that acorn seed is planted, and watered, and nurtured, and allowed to grow, do you know what it eventually becomes?

Eminem: Fucking tree.

Al: Yeah.

Al: You've got a little pottymouth, don't you?

Eminem: I don't believe that nobody can not swear.

Al: You don't believe that nobody can not swear? Wow! Another triple negative!

Eminem: Y'know what I'm sayin'?

Al: I know what you're sayin'.

Eminem: Y'know what I'm sayin'?

Al: I know what you're sayin'.

Eminem: Y'know what I'm sayin'?

Al: Yes, I do.

Eminem: Y'know what I'm sayin'?

Al: Yes.

Eminem: Y'know what I'm sayin'?

Al: Yep.

Eminem: Y'know what I'm sayin'?

Al: I know what you're sayin'.

Eminem: Y'know what I'm sayin'?

Al: Yeah!

Eminem: Y'know what I'm sayin'?

Al: Yes! Yes!

Eminem: Y'know what I'm sayin'?

Al: YES!

Eminem: Y'know what I'm sayin'?

Al: YES!

Al: [while Eminem rapidly repeats "Y'know what I'm sayin'?" eight times] Yes, I - I told ya - Look, I - I said that I - What? - I said I...


Eminem: Y'know what I'm sayin'?


Eminem: Whatever.

Eminem: I used to respect Will Smith but he pretty much dissed the whole Gender of rap.

Al: The whole gender of Rap? Are you sure you don't mean genre. I don't mean to secong guess you or anything.

Al: So, do you have any motto in life?

Justin Timberlake: Um, I just think, if you're gonna do something, if you put out 150%, then you can always expect 100 back.

Al: But then you wind up losing 50%. What a stupid motto.

Al: Is there anything you'd like to do before we get started?

Céline Dion: Umm, I want to play golf. I want to have a child. I want to, uh, drive my own car. I want to cook. I want to go to the groceries and buy my own tomatoes...

Al: I'm afraid we don't have time for anything like that. What I meant was, "Can I get you a drink, or something?"

Céline Dion: Yeah.


Al: Don't be nervous, but right now, there are literally dozens of people watching you.

Avril Lavigne: What?

Al: Well, what do you think all these cameras are for?

Avril Lavigne: [curling into a ball] Oh my God, cameras, oh my god.

Al: No, no Avril. Cameras are your friends. Cameras are here to help you. Cameras good.

Avril Lavigne: [excitedly throwing arms into the air] Cameras.

Al: So tell me, Celine, did you sing the boring song from "Titanic" or the stupid song from "Titanic"?

Al: Do you enjoy cracking your knuckles?

Céline Dion: Yes.

Al: Biting your toenails?

Céline Dion: Yes.

Al: Rolling around in the mud?

Céline Dion: Yes.

Al: Sticking gerbils together with crazy glue?

Céline Dion: Yes.

Al: Can I borrow five bucks?

Céline Dion: No.

Al: [shouts] Aaaah! It never works!

Al: So, tell me, Marshal, how do you feel about censorship in music?

Eminem: I feel like, you know, I really believe in freedom of speech. I can't even stress at enough. I feel like, especially, artistic expression. I believe an artist should be an artist and be able to say what he wants to say weather you think it's good or bad, you know.

Al: Uh-huh. So, if you think, for example, if somebody wanted to do... oh, I don't know... A PARODY OF SOMEBODY ELSE'S VIDEO, they should be able to ARTISTICALLY EXPRESS THEMSELVES AND JUST DO IT?

Eminem: Um...

Al: Ah, I'm just busting your chops. I know you said I couldn't do a video for my "Lose Yourself" parody, but hey, you know, it's your choice.

Eminem: Yeah. Exactly.

Al: Just between you and me though, don't you think my version of the song is just a little bit better than yours?

Eminem: That's kind of what pisses me off.

Al: I knew it! Well, now I don't have a video to promote my new album, "Poodle Hat", but you know, as long as you're happy... You are happy aren't you? YOU'RE HAPPY, RIGHT? CAUSE I SURE WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY!

Eminem: You're fucking crazy. You're crazy, for real. You're crazy.

Al: Well, since I don't have a video for it, and since this is my stinkin' show, why don't you say we just sit here and listen to the whole song right now?

Justin Timberlake: Oh, they're big... really big.

Al: Uh... Justin, what are you talking about?

Al: You all know who my best friend in the whole wide world is? That's right! Harvey the Wonder Hamster!

[brings out Harvey]

Al: Here he is! Hello, Harvey! My, he's looking happy today! Let's sing Harvey's theme song!


Al: Oh, Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster / He doesn't bite, and he doesn't squeal / He just runs around on his hamster wheel / Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster! /... Hey, Harvey!

[Music stops. Al throws Harvey over his shoulder off the building]

Al: Well, that was fun.

Al: Avril Lavigne... Lavigne... That's a good Jewish name. You are Jewish, right?

Avril Lavigne: I... I...

Al: Well, mosseltoff on all your success.

Avril Lavigne: When I was performing "Complicated" during my concert, it was like there were all these people on stage with me who were singing with me, and they knew all the words.

Al: You mean your band?

Avril Lavigne: What band?

Al: Let's move on.

Al: You've been called the Anti-Brittany. Do you think you're better than Brittany Spears.

Avril Lavigne: I'm no better than anyone else, and nobody else is better than me.

Al: Except for Brittany Spears, right? I mean, she's hot!

Avril Lavigne: Brittany Spears isn't better than anyone else.

Al: Oh, really? Not even Hitler?

Al: What is your favorite punk song?

Avril Lavigne: The YMCA song.

Al: Ah, yes. The Village People. Very punkish.

Al: So Avril, do you still live in Canada?

Avril Lavigne: I literally live outside of my suitcase.

Al: Literally. You literally live outside of your suitcase? So everyday, you come home to your suitcase, get inside your suitcase, and literally live out of your suitcase? Man, it must have smelled awful in there.

Avril Lavigne: Like crap. Literally like crap.

Al: Is it hard for you going through life as a midget? Or do you prefer "little person"?

Avril Lavigne: I'm not one of those people...

Al: Oh, my bad. I got your questions mixed up with Prince.

Al: You know what? You kind of smell like wet dog hair?

Avril Lavigne: And you do too.

Al: [smells himself] Hey! You're right! I do!


Al: So what did you have for breakfast this morning?

Avril Lavigne: Nachos, but I had to pick the cheese off of it.

Al: Why didn't you just ask someone to pick the cheese off for you?

Avril Lavigne: Pfft!

Al: What question do you want me to ask you now?

Avril Lavigne: Something about my butt crack.

Al: Okay... Is it a small butt crack or a big butt crack?

Avril Lavigne: It's average.

Al: Have you given your butt crack a name like... Bob?

Avril Lavigne: What?

Al: Yeah!

Avril Lavigne: Whoo!

Al: Yeah!

Al: Could you take off all your clothes so I can put them on my head?

Avril Lavigne: Hell, yeah! I can give you my clothes so you could put them up there!

Al: All right!

Al: It began with a quiet candlelit dinner.

Céline Dion: And it finished with whipped cream all over me.

Al: You do remember!

Al: I know this was a traumatic experience for you, but I heard that you went with your family on a safari, and your parents were taken away and eaten by cannibals.

Céline Dion: I could smell the cooking of my mother.

Al: That must have been horrible for you.

Céline Dion: It was fun. Real, real, fun.

Al: Huh... Anyway, moving on.

Céline Dion: I'm married, and I'm going to get married again to the same guy.

Al: Is this some kind of scam to get free presents? Or do you just like cake that much?

Al: Do you have any questions for me?

Céline Dion: Am I going to die tomorrow?

Al: Well, let's find out.

[picks up a magic 8 ball]

Al: Is Celine Dion going to die tomorrow?

[glares at it for a few seconds]

Al: It says, "Ask again later."

Al: What's your favorite number?

Céline Dion: Oh... I don't know... but not 14.

Al: Yeah, I know!


Al: I hate fourteen!

Al: What do you think of my new album, "Poodle Hat"? Would you say it is the best album in the world?

Céline Dion: I don't know... in a word... I guess so.

Al: Hey, thanks.

Al: Celine, besides yourself, what else do you love?

Céline Dion: I love a lot of different things.

Al: Oh, yeah? Like what? Little puppy dogs?

Céline Dion: Yeah.

Al: Fat kids in bicycle shorts?

Céline Dion: Yes.

Al: Butterscotch Enemas?

Céline Dion: Unusual for me, but I love that.

Al: Then there's the Chicken Dance song.

Céline Dion: Which I love. It is a very bedroom sexy song!

Al: Uh-huh. How do you feel about the moons of Jupiter?

Céline Dion: I love them all.