Alana: Quit it, Clay! And did I say you could touch my tits? No means no.

Clay: Yeah, you didn't say no.

Alana: Well, I was thinking it.

Mrs. Paul: You are an 18-year-old former prom queen. You're thinking of skipping college to become a waitress? That's a God-damn country song.

Clay: Marjorie, why do you look so weird?

Marjorie: 'Cause I'm a lesbian now, asshole.

Professor Jackson: Well, Mr. Adams, you just demonstrated the theoretical conundrum of contemporary American society.

Clay: I did?

Professor Jackson: The world is a linguistic battlefield: man, woman, gay, straight, black, white, penis, vagina. We are engaged in a semiotic battle over control of these inchoate, post-modern definitions. Do you understand me, Mr. Adams?

Clay: No.

Professor Jackson: Let me put it to you this way. Either you like bush or you don't.

Clay: Do... do you mean the president?

Clay: Dude, any guy that says they don't live for sex hasn't had any yet.

Jessica: Oh, if I didn't love you so much I'd fuckin' hate your guts.

Tazwell: You know, being accused of date rape was... was the best thing that could've ever happened to me.

Serena: Now, to solidify your place in Tau history, one final challenge: The Freak Fest. Take one and pass the hat. Written on each slip of paper you will see a type of person.

[Sorority pledges start opening their drawn papers to read "cripple," "deaf dude" and "fat fuck"]

Serena: Your Tau pledge mission? Find the freak, work your charms, and get him to declare his love for you.

Jessica: [opening her paper to read "Muslim] I'm literally fucked!

Amanda: What's so bad about that?

Jessica: Hello. I'm a Jew! What'd you get?

Jessica: [reading "fag" on Amanda's paper] Harsh.

Serena: In three weeks we're having a party. Bring your dates and then, without mercy, dump them. You will prove to your sisters that you can survive in this world, that, if pushed, you can be as ruthless and disgusting as men.

Clay: [waking up under the same blanket with Matt] Please tell me you're not spooning me.

Matt: [mostly still asleep] Hm? Mm. Five more minutes, man.

Clay: Shit, dude. You've got morning wood.

Clay: I felt your boner against my thigh, man.

Jessica: My dad says that homosexuality's everywhere, like Mexicans.

Clay: You make me feel like a real man. M-maybe my whole life has been a total lie and I'm not gay. I think I'm in love with you.

Clay: [stroking Matt's cheek] Now make love to me. Please.

Matt: I think I'm gonna puke.

Clay: Dude, this is what all ladies really dream about - the fag who's not afraid to eat his best girlfriend's pussy.

Matt: You don't know shit about being gay.

Clay: Oh, yeah, well, there's a campus sexual identity support group meeting this afternoon. Get my gay on there.

Matt: Do you have any other goals in life besides getting laid?

Clay: You mean like writing the great American novel, making a million dollars, stopping world hunger, that sort of thing?

Matt: Exactly.

Clay: Dude, I'm a B-student from Wisconsin, okay? My... my mom drives a school bus. My dad manages a Target store. Now, future happiness for guys like me means Saturday afternoon BBQ's, a sweet deal on a new civic, and the occasional blow job from my wife. And until I take that sad journey into cultural purgatory, my goal in life is - yeah - to get as much ass as I can.

Sherman: What you need now are other gay friends, to be a part of our amazing community... and then maybe one of my back rubs.

Clay: Should I get my nipple pierced?

Matt: Is there any part of you that sees how immoral this is?

Professor Jackson: I've been tenured here for six years, Clay. I know fake fruit when I see it.

Clay: [at a frat party populated by plain girls] Oh, my God, man. Look at these chicks. We're surrounded by "before shots."

Matt: I thought the ugly ones were easier to lay.

Clay: It's a myth, my friend. The unattractive ones think that their insides are really beautiful, so you gotta waste a lot of time and energy makin' them think that you're attracted to their personalities.

Tazwell: You know, you're not gonna believe what a sensitive freakin' male I can be.

Clay: [seeing his dead roommate wheeled away] So when you movin' in?

Matt: I'll get my stuff.

Clay: Look, if we're gonna mate with that species of girl, we just need to become a superior breed of male.

Matt: So we should... go to the gym or somethin'.

Clay: No, we should become frat boys, dude. I mean, what better way to fortify our masculinity than with some classic male bonding.

Clay: Well, sometimes bein' a bitch is all a man has in this world.

Professor Jackson: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get all didactic on yo ass.

Clay: Are you pissed?

Rodney: No, Clay, I'm not pissed. You just don't know what it's like for an old faggot like me to hear that straight boys wanna be gay. Believe me, it's a beautiful thing. It's what we fought for all our lives. It's the happiest day of my life. I may cry.

Janitor: [performing community service] So what did YOU do?

Sherman: Sexual assault.

Janitor: Yeah. Me, too. Lyin' bitches.

Sherman: Yeah. He wanted it.

Janitor: What?

Sherman: Yeah.