Saturday Night Live: The Best of Will Ferrell (2002 TV Special)

Will Ferrell: Self, Various Characters

Quotes 

• Burt Reynolds : Yeah, I'll take the condom thing for, uh... eight thou.

  Alex Trebek : That's "Condiments". For $400. "This condiment is made from mustard seeds".

  [Stewart buzzes in] 

  Alex Trebek : French Stewart.

  French Stewart : The answer, of course, is onions. I'll take "Condiments" for $800, thank you...

  [buzzer sounds] 

  Alex Trebek : That's not the right answer.

  [Reynolds buzzes in] 

  Alex Trebek : Burt Reynolds.

  Burt Reynolds : That's not my name.

  Alex Trebek : Okay. Turd Ferguson.

  Burt Reynolds : [laughs]  Yeah, what do ya want?

  Alex Trebek : You buzzed in!

  Burt Reynolds : No I didn't.

  Alex Trebek : Yes you did!

  Burt Reynolds : Yeah, well, that's your opinion.

  Alex Trebek : I hate my job!

• Alex Trebek : Let's just go to "Animal Sounds" for $600. This is the sound a doggy makes.

  [Sean Connery buzzes in] 

  Alex Trebek : Mr. Connery.

  Sean Connery : Moo.

  Alex Trebek : No.

  Sean Connery : Well, that's the sound your mother made last night!

• Devil : There's a guy name Fred and he's got a pair of slacks. Oooh-Fred's got slacks. There long and a little tight in the waist. Ooh-Fred's got slacks on the boulevard.

• Devil : [singing]  Fast car... on the highway. On the byway, Mr. Robotron!

• Narrator : From the outermost ridges of the universe, to the innermost planets of our solar system this is 'Space the Infinite Frontier' with your host Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray.

  Harry Caray : Hi everybody, Harry Caray here and welcome to "Space the Infinite Frontier". We've got a great show lined up for you, joining us in the studio today all the way from Caltech is astrophysicist Dr. Ken Waller. Welcome to the show Ken. Now Dr., recently they have discovered that there might be life on one of the moons of Jupiter, now that's got to be exciting for you.

  Ken Waller : Oh yeah Harry, we're thrilled to discover that life can theoretically exist below the surface of planets due to the heat caused by volcanic activity.

  Harry Caray : That's something else. Hey! Let me ask you, what's your favorite planet?

  Ken Waller : Well, I don't have a favorite I find them all fascinating, they're all part of a

  [is interrupted] 

  Harry Caray : Mine's the sun. Always has been. I like it cause its like the King of Planets.

  Ken Waller : Well, actually Harry, it's not a planet, it's a star.

  Harry Caray : Well, planet or star when that thing burns out we're all going to be dead.

  Ken Waller : Well that's true but its not going to burn out for a very long time.

  Harry Caray : I hope not. Hey! Dr. have you ever seen an eclipse?

  Ken Waller : Yeah. I've seen many.

  Harry Caray : You know if you star at it head on it'll burn your eyes out.

  Ken Waller : Well its not best to stare at the sun during an eclipse.

  Harry Caray : But it's hard not to. I once took a pair of binoculars and stared at the sun for over an hour.

  Ken Waller : Why would you do that?

  Harry Caray : Curiosity I guess. Heck! I'm curious like a cat. I have a couple of friends that call me whiskers.

  Ken Waller : Because you're curious like a cat?

  Harry Caray : Yes

  [pause] 

  Harry Caray : Hey! Now Ken, we all know that the moon is not made of green cheese.

  Ken Waller : Yes, that's true Harry.

  Harry Caray : But what if it were made of barbeque spare ribs, would you eat it then?

• Ken Waller : What?

  Harry Caray : I know I would. Heck! I'd have seconds and then polish it off with a tall cool Budweiser. - - - I would do it. Would you?

  Ken Waller : I'm confused.

  Harry Caray : It's a simple question Dr, would you eat the moon if it were made of ribs?

  Ken Waller : I don't know how to answer that.

  Harry Caray : It's not rocket science, just say yes and we'll move on.

  Ken Waller : Yes.

  Harry Caray : Hey! How about this mad cow disease?

  Ken Waller : What about it?

  Harry Caray : Well, it was here for a while and then it went away. Your thoughts.

  Ken Waller : Yes, yes it was in the news for a while and then it disappeared from the news.

  Harry Caray : Good point. Gee I hope I never get it. Hey! What about this: if you had to choose between being the top scientist in your field or getting mad cow disease, what would it be?

  Ken Waller : Well of course I would choose to be the top scientist in my field.

  Harry Caray : Oh good. I was worried you'd choose mad cow.

  Ken Waller : Why would you think that?

  Harry Caray : I guess I'm just a worrier, that's why my friends call me whiskers.

  Ken Waller : I thought you said your friends call you whiskers cause you were curious as a cat.

  Harry Caray : Well Dr. Waller it has been a pleasure. We've covered a lot of ground, shared a few laughs, thanks for coming on.

  Ken Waller : My pleasure Harry.

  Harry Caray : He's a good kid. That's all the time we have. Join us next week with our guest Albert Einstein. What? Well apparently Albert Einstein died 42 years ago. You know what, we'll try to get him anyway. See you next time. Cubs win! Cubs win!

• Will Ferrell : Well it's Thanksgiving time! It's such a great day now! Turkey and bread and plenty of stuffing!

  Chris Kattan : It's Thanksgiving time! It's time for Jell-O! Watch some T.V. maybe have some grape Kool-Aid!

  Chris Kattan : Oooooh! I think I dig your stuff!

  Will Ferrell : I think I dig your stuff!

  Will Ferrell : Well it's Thanksgiving time! I love your new blazer! Your sleeves are pushed up it looks pretty awesome!

  Chris Kattan : Well thank you my friend! Your so kind to say so! Your eyes are so blue, I think that I like them!

  Will Ferrell : Well it's Thanksgiving time! Let's go get a burger! Maybe some fries! Let's go take a car ride!

  Chris Kattan : Go to a motel! Drink a gallon of brandy! Hang out in robes and see what develops!

  Chris Kattan : Oooooh! I think I dig your stuff!

  Will Ferrell : I think I dig your...

  [They Kiss] 

  Will Ferrell : [Note: This is from Vol. 2] 

• Devil : I'm the Devil and i'm here to say that i'm the most evil rapper in the USA. All my homies and my bitches say ho!

• Robert Goulet : Oh girl that dress is so scandolous, And you know another Nigga couldn't handle it. You see dumps like a truck, truck, truck Not like a what, what, what Baby move you butt,butt,butt I think I'll sing it again Sha bang, sha bop,bop bop. Thong Song

• Dr. Beaman : I'm sorry, you have the wrong number. No, there's no "Mark" here. My name? It's Mark. No... I spell it with a C. Who put you up to this? What do you mean you're my "wife"? O-kay... if you're my "wife", what's our cat's name? Mr. Stitches. Damn, you're good!

• Alex Trebek : Welcome back to "Celebrity Jeopardy". Before we begin the Double Jeopardy round, I'd like to ask our contestants once again to please refrain from using ethnic slurs. That said, let's take a look at the scores. Sean Connery has set a new "Jeopardy" record with -$230,000.

  Sean Connery : You think you're pretty smart, don't you, Trebek? What with your dago mustache and your greasy hair!

  Alex Trebek : Look, what did I just say about ethnic slurs? From "3rd Rock From the Sun", French Stewart in second place with -$17,000.

  French Stewart : I'm a late bloomer, Alex, and in Double Jeopardy, I'm gonna bloom!

  Alex Trebek : Sure you will. And finally, back again, Burt Reynolds in a commanding lead with $14.

  Burt Reynolds : Hey. Hey, ah... check out the podium. Look at this.

  Alex Trebek : Mr. Reynolds has apparently changed his name to Turd Ferguson.

  Burt Reynolds : Yeah, that's right. Turd Ferguson. It's a funny name.

• Harry Caray : Hey! Would you eat the moon if it were made of ribs?