[repeated line]

Michael Scott: That's what *she* said!

Michael Scott: I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.

Andy Bernard: I'm always thinking one step ahead, like a carpenter that makes stairs.

Michael Scott: [to Toby] This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell out of here.

Michael Scott: Occasionally, I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.

Michael Scott: Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing? Nothing special - baseball cap on backward, baggy pants. He says something ordinary like, "Yo, that's shizzle". Okay, now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.

[Jim looks at the camera]

Michael Scott: If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.

Creed Bratton: Hey, I want to set you up with my daughter

Jim Halpert: Oh, I'm engaged to Pam.

Creed Bratton: I thought you were gay?

Jim Halpert: Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?

Creed Bratton: I don't know.

[Toby comes back from Costa Rica and surprises a distraught Michael]

Toby Flenderson: Hi, Mich...

Michael Scott: No, God!... No, God, please, no!... No!... No!... Nooooo!

Michael Scott: Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

Michael Scott: [to whole office] I... declare... BANKRUPTCY!

[Later, Michael is in his office cutting credit cards with scissors. Oscar comes in]

Oscar Martinez: Hey, I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen.

Michael Scott: I didn't say it, I declared it.

Michael Scott: Dwight, you ignorant slut!

Michael Scott: Well, just tell him to call me ASAP as possible.

[Kevin walks into office proudly wearing a toupee]

Kevin Malone: [to doc crew] Nope, it's not Ashton Kutcher! It's Kevin Malone! Equally handsome, equally smart.

[winks]

[repeated line]

Andy Bernard: Rit-dit-dit-do-doo!

Michael Scott: I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.

Robert California: Jim, would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?

Jim Halpert: Oh, God, nature. Please.

Robert California: When two animals are having sex...

[blooper]

Michael Scott: I see the sales department are down there, they're in the engine room, and they are shoveling coal *into* the furnace. Right? I mean, who saw the movie Titanic? They were very important in the movie Titanic.

Phyllis Lapin: Everyone in the engine room drowned.

[entire cast erupts in laughter]

Stanley Hudson: Boy have you done lost your mind? Cause I'll HELP you find it!

Kevin Malone: I *kinda* know what it's like to be in commercials. My nickname in high school used to be Kool-Aid Man.

[makes unintentionally funny face]

[Jim and Dwight are about to drive out to a sale, Dwight sits behind Jim]

Jim Halpert: Seriously? You're gonna sit in the back?

Dwight Schrute: Uh, yeah? That's the safest part of a car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side first.

[Jim slams on the brakes, Dwight's head hits the back of Jim's headrest]

[repeated line]

Pam Beesly: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.

[Jim and Dwight are trying to get revenge on Todd Packer]

Jim Halpert: I was thinking maybe we could jam his drawers so they only come out two inches, and then that way you could *see* everything in them but you can't get in them.

Dwight Schrute: Does Edgar Allan Poe know about that one? So sinister!

[sarcastically chuckles]

Dwight Schrute: That wouldn't annoy a person at all! What do you - where do you come up with this stuff?

Jim Halpert: Okay! Alright, well, this isn't my best, but call Froggy101. Say that we're the tour manager for Justin Bieber and we're giving away free tickets, we give them a number to call *for* the tickets, and it's his number.

Dwight Schrute: Who is Justice Beaver?

Jim Halpert: He... it's a crime-fighting beaver.

Michael Scott: I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.

Jim Halpert: Oh, I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.

Michael Scott: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.

Phyllis Lapin: Afghani.

Michael Scott: What?

Phyllis Lapin: *Afghani.*

Michael Scott: That's a dog.

Pam Beesly: No, that's Afghan.

Michael Scott: That's a shawl.

Dwight Schrute: Wait, Canine Aids?

Michael Scott: No, *humans* with AIDS.

Creed Bratton: Who has AIDS? Wh...

Jim Halpert: Guys, the Afghanistananis.

Michael Scott: Ok, you know what? No. No!

[Pam giggles to herself]

Michael Scott: AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.