Quotes

The Office

Michael Scott: [to Toby] This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell out of here.

Michael Scott: [to whole office] I... declare... BANKRUPTCY!
[Later, Michael is in his office cutting credit cards with scissors. Oscar comes in]
Oscar Martinez: Hey, I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen.
Michael Scott: I didn't say it, I declared it.

Michael Scott: Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

Andy Bernard: I'm always thinking one step ahead, like a carpenter that makes stairs.

Michael Scott: If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.

Michael Scott: Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing? Nothing special - baseball cap on backward, baggy pants. He says something ordinary like, "Yo, that's shizzle". Okay, now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.

[Jim and Dwight are about to drive out to a sale, Dwight sits behind Jim]
Jim Halpert: Seriously? You're gonna sit in the back?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, yeah? That's the safest part of a car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side first.
[Jim slams on the brakes, Dwight's head hits the back of Jim's headrest]

Stanley Hudson: Boy have you done lost your mind? Cause I'll HELP you find it!

[Kevin walks into office proudly wearing a toupee]
Kevin Malone: [to doc crew] Nope, it's not Ashton Kutcher! It's Kevin Malone! Equally handsome, equally smart.
[winks]

Robert California: Jim, would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?
Jim Halpert: Oh, God, nature. Please.
Robert California: When two animals are having sex...

[blooper]
Michael Scott: I see the sales department are down there, they're in the engine room, and they are shoveling coal *into* the furnace. Right? I mean, who saw the movie Titanic? They were very important in the movie Titanic.
Phyllis Lapin: Everyone in the engine room drowned.
[entire cast erupts in laughter]

[Jim and Dwight are trying to get revenge on Todd Packer]
Jim Halpert: I was thinking maybe we could jam his drawers so they only come out two inches, and then that way you could *see* everything in them but you can't get in them.
Dwight Schrute: Does Edgar Allan Poe know about that one? So sinister!
[sarcastically chuckles]
Dwight Schrute: That wouldn't annoy a person at all! What do you - where do you come up with this stuff?
Jim Halpert: Okay! Alright, well, this isn't my best, but call Froggy101. Say that we're the tour manager for Justin Bieber and we're giving away free tickets, we give them a number to call *for* the tickets, and it's his number.
Dwight Schrute: Who is Justice Beaver?
Jim Halpert: He... it's a crime-fighting beaver.

Kevin Malone: I *kinda* know what it's like to be in commercials. My nickname in high school used to be Kool-Aid Man.
[makes unintentionally funny face]

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