Santa Claus: I'm Santa Claus, not fuckin' Dracula!

Nicholas Yuleson: The clock just struck midnight at the pole. Christmas is officially over for you, Santa!

Santa Claus: You know, most people make the same mistake. The correct time at the pole is completely discretionary, because the poles are where all the time zones actually converge.

Mary "Mac" Mackenzie: He's scary, yet educational.

[entering the strip club]

Santa Claus: Ho, ho...

[oogles topless waitress as she walks past him]

Santa Claus: [lustily] HOES...

Mr. Green: Here you go.

[hands Mrs Talbot her sandwich]

Mr. Green: And have a very happy holiday there Mrs Talbot.

Mrs. Talbot: Don't use that political language shit with me, it's Christmas so wish me merry Christmas?

Mr. Green: I'm sorry. Merry christmas Mrs Talbot

Mrs. Talbot: Thank you... now go fuck yourself. What a fucking whore.

Santa Claus: Looks like Grandpa got run over by a reindeer.

Santa Claus: [while reading a copy of the book 'A Christmas Carol' in the school library] Boy, Christmas can sure scare the Dickens out of people.

Virginia Mason: Santa?

[laughs nervously]

Santa Claus: Yes, Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus!

Gwen Mason: [panicked, desperately] I've been good!

[Santa hits her with a table leg]

Nicholas Yuleson: We're trapped in closet on Christmas with Santa trying to murder us. How fucked up is that?

Santa Claus: I see you have met my helldeer

Pastor Timmons: What in god's name are you doing?

Santa Claus: Why I'm just trying to spread a little yuletide FEAR!

Nicholas Yuleson: You're gonna need to suck it in.

[Nicholas sees that mac is stuck in the window]

Mary "Mac" Mackenzie: You're in the need for some top.

[Nicholas poises his hands above Mac's chest, hesistant on what comes next]

Mary "Mac" Mackenzie: I swear to god Nicholas, am I going to have to make every first move in this relationship?

[Mac places Nicholas's hands on her breasts so he can push her through the window]

Pastor Timmons: Honey I had the most terrible nightmare.

Santa Claus: Visions of sugarplums?

[Santa hits Pastor over the head with a mallet]

Mary "Mac" Mackenzie: You hit like a girl.

Nicholas Yuleson: You kiss like a guy.

Santa Claus: [smirking while he's reading his list] Who's next?

Santa Claus: Christmas is over when I say it's over!

Nicholas Yuleson: Great. He'll never find us now

Mary "Mac" Mackenzie: Shut your hole and help me through this window

Mary "Mac" Mackenzie: Wicked, your grandfather's an angel. Told you he'd look after you.

Nicholas Yuleson: I swear i'll never take the lord's name in vain again

Grandpa: You're forgiven Nicholas