- Nicholas Yuleson: The clock just struck midnight at the pole. Christmas is officially over for you, Santa!
- Santa Claus: You know, most people make the same mistake. The correct time at the pole is completely discretionary, because the poles are where all the time zones actually converge.
- Mary "Mac" Mackenzie: He's scary, yet educational.
- [entering the strip club]
- Santa Claus: Ho, ho...
- [oogles topless waitress as she walks past him]
- Santa Claus: [lustily] HOES...
- Santa Claus: I see you have met my helldeer
- Pastor Timmons: What in god's name are you doing?
- Santa Claus: Why I'm just trying to spread a little yuletide FEAR!
- Mr. Green: Here you go.
- [hands Mrs Talbot her sandwich]
- Mr. Green: And have a very happy holiday there Mrs Talbot.
- Mrs. Talbot: Don't use that political language shit with me, it's Christmas so wish me merry Christmas?
- Mr. Green: I'm sorry. Merry christmas Mrs Talbot
- Mrs. Talbot: Thank you... now go fuck yourself. What a fucking whore.
- Santa Claus: [while reading a copy of the book 'A Christmas Carol' in the school library] Boy, Christmas can sure scare the Dickens out of people.
- Nicholas Yuleson: We're trapped in closet on Christmas with Santa trying to murder us. How fucked up is that?
- Nicholas Yuleson: You're gonna need to suck it in.
- [Nicholas sees that mac is stuck in the window]
- Mary "Mac" Mackenzie: You're in the need for some top.
- [Nicholas poises his hands above Mac's chest, hesistant on what comes next]
- Mary "Mac" Mackenzie: I swear to god Nicholas, am I going to have to make every first move in this relationship?
- [Mac places Nicholas's hands on her breasts so he can push her through the window]
- Pastor Timmons: Honey I had the most terrible nightmare.
- Santa Claus: Visions of sugarplums?
- [Santa hits Pastor over the head with a mallet]
- Nicholas Yuleson: Great. He'll never find us now
- Mary "Mac" Mackenzie: Shut your hole and help me through this window
- Mary "Mac" Mackenzie: Wicked, your grandfather's an angel. Told you he'd look after you.
- Nicholas Yuleson: I swear i'll never take the lord's name in vain again
- Grandpa: You're forgiven Nicholas