1 May 2006 | CelluloidRehab
Dolph's suicide attempt ....
Dolph Lundgren's directorial debut almost put him in the same category as Orson Welles and Ed Wood, namely those who wrote, stared and directed their own movie. Dolph saved his word processing skills for the sophomore effort, namely the Mechanik.
The porn-named hero (Dolph) of this movie is Lance Rockford. In 1991, he commanded a unit in the Gulf War. After they were ambushed and captured, 2/3 of his unit are executed in front of him. By this I mean everyone except Dolph. I you haven't figured it out ... he only commands two men. This is a low budget straight to DVD (Seagal-like) movie. What did you expect ?
Fast forward back to the present where he is a secret service agent protecting some government secretary. He and his team are recruited/asked to protected this secretary on the way to some peace conference in Bucharest, Romania. She's not there for the conference though. She has a covert rendezvous with someone. While at this meeting, mercenaries are sent in to eliminate the secretary. What could possibly be going on ?? It's not as exciting as you would think. Actually, most of the movie is quite boring.
The scenario that ensues is part Assault of Precinct 13, part conspiracy, part Steven Segal and a whole lot of predictability. The sets are dark and poorly lit. I could barely make out anything. Don't even waste your time on this movie. You are lucky to be watching this movie on a Sunday afternoon in June on Spike TV or at 2 AM on Cinemax while you are inexplicably trying to stay awake.
There are some stand out moments. For example, Jerry Springer plays the cigar smoking, workout-while-I-talk-on-the-phone President of the United States. Yes this is not a typo. It is correct. Shakara Ledard is the other standout actor/actress in the movie. She is essential the eye candy, too bad she can't act. The other surprise is to find out that "the Dolph" was still alive and kicking. You wouldn't know that from his face though. He's looking very much like a tan Frank Langella's Skeletor (Masters of the Universe). I guess he must have borrowed the makeup. He also seems to have gotten acting advice from Steven Seagal. Steven has taught Dolph the proper way to shoot a gun. This movie also gives us the duel between Dolph's 9mm Beretta and a Sniper rifle. I bet you can't guess who wins ?
Dolph's return and directorial debut is atrocious and boring. I have heard better things about the Mechanik. Hopefully he has learned from this abomination. I was going to give this movie a 1 or 2, however, I have to give a little credit for filming and some production that occurred in Romania. Until my review of the Mechanik, I highly recommend seeing Red Scorption, Rocky IV, Universal Soldier, Masters of the Universe or Showdown in Little Tokyo for your Dolph fix.