If... (2004–2006)

... Maybe they should employ better producers

Anyone remember the shocking docu-drama THREADS from 20 years ago . This dealt with a nuclear holocaust in the near future . Words fail to explain the nightmares I had after seeing that . So I was expecting this speculative docu-drama series to be along a similar line . Unfortunately the scenarios were insipid to say the least

IF - THE LIGHTS GO OUT used the scenario of the national grid failing and Britain being electricity free for a few days . Big deal . It`ll keep my bill down each quarter so every cloud has a silver lining

IF - THINGS DON`T GET BETTER . This deals with the growing gap between rich and poor with the rich cutting themselves off from the crime ridden areas of the inner cities and a Prime Minister trying to bridge the gap between the classes . It`s never pointed out that the reason for spiraling crime is mainly down to bleeding heart politicians letting scumbags out of jail into society where they rob , rape and maim decent folk . If I had the money I`d move somewhere crime free . Oh and seeing house prices are so high who the hell can afford to live in one of these places anyway

IF - WE DON`T STOP EATING . According to this show the NHS will stop treating fat people . Strange but I was talking to a nurse at a Greenpeace convention ( That`s the only reason I joined Greenpeace . You get to meet some really fit girls ! ) who told me even if someone turns up completely drunk , smoking a ciggie with entirely self inflicted wounds at a casualty department , they will still get treated by NHS staff no matter what . Considering I stayed up all night at the convention drinking heavily and chain smoking that was nice to know , especially when I`m 5 foot 8 inches and weigh about 155 pounds

IF - WOMAN RULED THE WORLD . An American female president tries to end the war on terror through dialogue . Obviously based on Dr Mo Mowlam who signed the Irish good Friday agreement and brought the troubles to an end . Two points however , firstly Mowlam had little to do with the agreement which was brought about by the previous John Major government and secondly what`s being a woman got to do with anything ? Patronizing crap if you ask me . Oh and let`s not forget Mrs Thatcher , Indria Ghandi and Golda Meir

IF - THE GENERATIONS FALL OUT . According to this in the future the younger generation will become so angry about paying so much tax to keep the pensioners in a life of luxury they`ll turn militant . Ah hold on according to an earlier episode we`ll all be dying at a young age because we`re so over-weight so how come there`s so many pensioners ? And who`s heard of a pensioner in Britain living in the lap of luxury ?

So there you go several speculative docu-dramas that had this slim chain-smoking critical free thinking ex-Greenpeace member wondering what all the fuss was about . To be honest the only thing I`m worried about is since I`m a FORMER member of Greenpeace where on earth am I going to meet some really fit girls in the future ?