Not Only But Always (2004 TV Movie)

Rhys Ifans: Peter Cook

Quotes 

• [Peter discovers Dudley shagging a young woman in his dressing room when he should be getting ready to go on stage] 

  Peter Cook : If you *do* decide to come on stage, Dudley, make sure you take her off your penis first.

• Peter Cook : Alcoholics need a drink first and last thing. I need oral sex and a cigarette. Which means I'm not an alcoholic.

  Lin Chong : I'm not going to sleep with you.

  Peter Cook : But you see it would enable me to distinguish you from the cleaner.

• [Dudley Moore notices that Peter Cook is emotionally distraught while about to go through customs] 

  Dudley Moore : Pete...

  Immigration Officer : [forcefully]  Sir, step behind the yellow line please, sir.

  Dudley Moore : Eh, sorry...

  Peter Cook : [with thick Russian accent]  Be careful, Vladimir, Don't blow your cover.

• Dudley Moore : Is my entire contribution to this show going to consist of my humiliating myself?

  Peter Cook : No, Dudley. We'll do that for you.

  Dudley Moore : Thank you. I wouldn't want to be appreciated or anything.

  Peter Cook : Well, we initially tried looking up to you, Dudley... but when we did, we invariably found ourselves looking down.

• Eleanor Bron : Sorry, sir. The club's full.

  Upper Class Man : But I have an invitation. Do you know who I am?

  Peter Cook : [to the people in the queue]  Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. May I have everyone's attention for a moment? This gentleman doesn't seem to know who he is. If anyone here recognises this man, can you come to the front of the queue and tell him his name.

  Upper Class Man : Fuck you!

  Peter Cook : You'll have to queue for that, too, I'm afraid, sir. There's a £5 waiting list.

• Dudley Moore : Why do you constantly belittle me?

  Peter Cook : Dudley, I don't think it's possible to belittle a club-footed dwarf whose only talent is to play Chopsticks in the style of Debussy.

• Peter Cook : [Walking drunk into a brothel]  Madam, direct me to your least attractive whore, double the usual price, I wish to indulge in some extreme sado-masochism.

• Wendy Snowden : Everything happens for a purpose. Go with the flow.

  Peter Cook : I've enjoyed the plughole immensely. I can't wait for the drain.

  Wendy Snowden : It's really weird that this has happened when it has. I'm pregnant.

  Dudley Moore : I think that was the U-bend, Pete.

• Dudley Moore : You have a generous heart.

  Peter Cook : I do have a generous heart. I have a very generous heart. I recently caught it trying to give my liver to a wino.

• Dudley Moore : Are you allergic to compassion?

  Peter Cook : Only in suppository form.

• [about to give a tribute to Dudley Moore on "This Is Your Life"] 

  Alan Bennett : They wanted a glowing accolade. But I said "No. I'll do an amusing anecdote" - because glowing accolades tend to sound so insincere.

  Peter Cook : ...Especially when they are.

• Peter Cook : The BBC want another series.

  Dudley Moore : Oh good. I'll make it up, you write it down, take all the money, take all the credit, then turn up drunk, and I'll make it all up again.

• Wendy Snowden : You used to take the piss out of me. When we met, I loved it. Then I grew to hate it. So why do I miss it?

  Peter Cook : I'm sorry?

  Wendy Snowden : When a man is bored with his marriage he's supposed to get rude and sullen. You just get increasingly polite.

  Peter Cook : What are you talking about?

  Wendy Snowden : That bloody look on your face.

  Peter Cook : I haven't got a look on my face?

  Wendy Snowden : That's the face I'm talking about. The one without a look on it.

• Peter Cook : I don't know why you bother. I don't know why you waste so much time on the piano. On your life history, what star sign she is, read her fucking palm. The secret of success with women, Dudley, is to tell them they're dirty, fucking cows, and stupid to boot, always does the trick.

  Dudley Moore : That's a technique I've never actually tried.

  Peter Cook : It'd save a lot of time.

• Dudley Moore : Quiet, isn't it. Hardly any traffic, and a surprising absence of sarcasm.

  Peter Cook : The crows do a nice line in withering irony. I trained them myself. But they lack the wit for true satire. Incessant derision is all they manage, really.

• Dudley Moore : I'm writing a book.

  Peter Cook : Really? Neither am I.

  Dudley Moore : It's an autobiography.

  Peter Cook : If you mention me, I shall sue.

  Dudley Moore : I won't mention you.

  Peter Cook : If you don't, I shall sue.

  Dudley Moore : I shall refer to you only as Dorothy Squires.

  Peter Cook : I shall contact my lawyers, immediately.

• [1978: sketch prompted by the recent death of Pope John Paul I] 

  Peter Cook : Hello, mother.

  Dudley Moore : [falsetto]  Hello, son.

  Peter Cook : Did you go to the Pope's funeral?

  Dudley Moore : [falsetto]  Yeah, I did. It was lovely.

  Peter Cook : The way they laid out the Pope was beautiful.

  Dudley Moore : [falsetto]  Oh yes, son.

  Peter Cook : Looking at that dead Pope gave me the horn.

  Dudley Moore : [falsetto, shocked]  No!

  Peter Cook : Yeah, I got so horny seeing him lying in state, I had to have a wank.

  Dudley Moore : [corpses] 

  Peter Cook : Yeah. I came all over the Pope - right across his face.

  Dudley Moore : [corpses]