Dick Casablancas: [after Logan and Veronica walk into his house and all of his friends yell "surprise!"] Dude, what the hell are you doing? Please tell me this is like some reality show called "My Skank."
Logan: Goodbye, Dick.
Dick Casablancas: What?
Logan: Get out of my house. You have a problem with Veronica you leave. Actually you have a problem with Veronica, you're pretty much dead to me so just like evaporate or something, I don't know... That's kind of a general invitation. You don't like my girlfriend then... just start heading towards the rectangle with the knob.
Logan: F.Y.I.? If cuddling is the best part, he didn't do it right.
Veronica: I know I'm late. Sorry honey.
[gives Logan a peck on the cheek, whispers in his ear]
Veronica: So I talked to this guy on the phone, let me handle it, he's a bit prickly.
[they approach the desk]
Desk Manager: May I help you?
Veronica: You may. My fiancee and I are looking for a honeymoon suite.
Desk Manager: Oh how wonderful. These are our more affordable packages. The rooms run $350 for courtyard and $450 for full. On the weekends of course it's a two night minimum.
Veronica: Of course. Here's a little bit more what I had in mind.
[Veronica brings out a big wedding planner book and starts to flip through it as she shows off a big diamond ring]
Logan: [playing along] Wow, sugar puss, you've certainly been a busy little bee.
[Veronica and Logan share a fake laugh]
Logan: Oh, she's a keeper.
Cliff McCormack: [to Logan] My name is Cliff, and I'll be your, "If you cannot afford an attorney" attorney.
Logan: [standing in front of Veronica's car] Do you have any idea what your little joke cost me?
Veronica: Well, I'm pretty sure you won't be getting your bong back.
Logan: [smashes Veronica's headlights with a crowbar] Wrong answer. Would you care to guess again?
Veronica: Clearly your sense of humor...
Veronica: [voiceover] Tragedy blows through your life like a tornado, uprooting everything. Creating chaos. You wait for the dust to settle and then you choose. You can live in the wreckage and pretend it's still the mansion you remember. Or you can crawl from the rubble and slowly rebuild.
Logan: I think we have a choice. I think we could take a tough, but survivable amount of pain now, or stay together and deal with unbearable pain later. So I vote for the pain now.
Veronica: If I ever die, do me a favor. Go on Oprah and tell the world that I loved kittens.
Veronica: [surprising the Tritons with a camera] Hi, everyone! Say "repressed homosexuality"!
Rebecca James: You know it sounds like you blame Veronica.
Logan: No, Veronica was my friend too. If she hadn't ratted me out, then Lilly and I would have stayed together. And Lilly wouldn't have been alone that day. I would have been there. So yeah I blame Veronica... and I blame myself for being stupid and I blame Lilly for being a bitch that week.
Rebecca James: You know there is another way of looking at this, Logan. If you'd still been together, then you'd have been dead too.
Logan: And what is so great about living?
Veronica: I just don't want you to get your hopes up.
Logan: I'm not paying you to worry about my health, I'm paying you to follow leads.
Veronica: I wasn't aware you were paying me.
Logan: This isn't a favor. It's a job you know. We're not exchanging friendship bracelets.
Veronica: I'll stop braiding.
Wallace: Underneath that angry young woman show, there's a slightly less angry woman who's just dying to bake me something.
Veronica: [enter Keith] And...
Keith: [happy] Who's your Daddy?
Veronica: I hate it when you say that.
Keith: This is important, you remember this, I used to be cool.
Keith: '77. Trans-Am, Blue Oyster Cult in the 8-track, foxy, stacked blond riding shotgun, racing for pink slips. Wait a minute, I'm thinking of a Springsteen song. Scratch everything. I was never cool.
Veronica: I don't know which bothers me more, "foxy" or "stacked".
Veronica: Am I naked? Because in my nightmares I'm usually naked.
Veronica: It's all fun and games till one of you gets my foot up your ass.
Veronica: I hope we're still friends after I taser you.
Logan: Excellent. A bar so low we can step over it.
Mr. Tom Daniels: You know the glow of your father's wealth and celebrity may be enough to sustain you through high school, Mr. Echolls. But do you know what it will get you in the real world?
Logan: [puts his hands together and looks upward] Please say high school English teacher, please say high school English teacher.
Veronica: [voiceover discussing her date rape] You want to know how I lost my virginity? So do I.
Logan: [arguing with Veronica] Well isn't it time that you found another bad guy? Look, I just don't... have time to be responsible for every little thing that goes wrong in your life!
Veronica: So, my grandma Reynolds was always saying 'when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.' I wish she was still alive, because I'd really like to ask her what she suggests for when life gives you Chlamydia.
Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie: Love makes me lazy. It's a dangerous drug. It kills more brain cells than crystal meth.
Logan: [to Weevil] If you're asking me to the prom again, the answer's still "no".
Logan: I just can't take the begging. I'll relent, just once - but no cuddling after, and I won't call you in the morning.
Mr. Tom Daniels: [walk in to find Weevil and Logan playing cards] Is this Reno or detention?
Logan: Can you believe the best of both.
Weevil: [Daniels takes away their cards] Oh, come on, man.
Logan: What the hell, we were playing a game here.
Mr. Tom Daniels: This is punishment gentlemen, not party time.
Logan: Well, that would explain the absence of balloon animals.
Veronica: You prank-called Mandy?
Lenny: What if I did?
Veronica: Well, I want to congratulate you. Shake your hand. Congratulations! You've been named the world's biggest cockroach. This award is given in recognition in your unparalleled lack of decency and humanity. Bravo. You're going to die friendless and alone.
Lenny: Hey, everyone knows you're the biggest...
Veronica: Shut up! If I want you to speak, I'll wave a Snausage in front of your nose. You use Mandy again to convince yourself you're not a loser, I will ruin your life. Got it?
Trina: I've been kind of out of the loop lately, are you two...?
Logan: Stop! You shut up. You're wearing Mom's clothes, you're wearing Mom's hat.
Trina: She was your mom, my stepmom. The lady who liked to parade through the house in a string bikini whenever I had a boy over.
Logan: To be fair, when didn't you have a boy over.
Trina: Oh, you...
[she goes to pinch his cheek]
Logan: [he smacks her hand away] Dad could have used you there.
Trina: So now you're worried about Dad's welfare, isn't he the Big Bad Wolf. Cigarette burns and broken noses, oh, the stories you used to tell.
Logan: Wow, we should get together and do this more often.
Trina: Well, you're in luck, I'm headed home now. I guess some accountant finally cancelled Mom's cards.
Logan: But if you're coming home who will play "Dead Hooker Two" on "CSI" this week? How will you get your attention fix?
Trina: Maybe I can be the ring girl at one of your bum fights.
Logan: [about Veronica's car] Nice car. That must have been a *huge* cereal box.
[Veronica is trying to get a drunk Logan's keys]
Veronica: Come on, Logan just give me your keys. Leo, can you follow us in your car?
Logan: [giggling] No. No. No. No. Let's not have a party like it's 1999.
Logan: [points to Leo] Wait, who's this dude?
Veronica: As I have told you now three times, this is the friendly officer of the law who is going to overlook your underage public drunkenness.
Keith: [to Veronica in next room] Hey! Earth to Mars!
Veronica: I love the smell of testosterone in the morning.
Logan: This is why I suggested attack dogs, but no, my mother wanted an Alpaca.
Veronica: My father sent me with paperwork for your mom.
Logan: You just wanted to say hi. I would have had my slam book out.
Veronica: I wanted to ask you about the game.
Logan: I've been meaning to ask you something. Does your super sleuth kit come with a decoder ring? Do you have a pen that writes with invisible ink? Never mind. Don't care. Mush! Mush!
Veronica: [girlie voice] Finally, a deep throat to call my own.
Veronica: I saw Meg.
Duncan: What do you mean, you...
Veronica: Meg's pregnant.
Duncan: I know.
Veronica: You know?
Duncan: There was a letter, from her aunt. I guess Meg had asked to live up there and raise the baby.
Veronica: Oh my God, Duncan, how could you...
Duncan: Last spring, before we broke up...
Veronica: OK, stop, I was shown a diagram once, I know how it works. But you knew, and you didn't tell me?
Duncan: This has nothing to do with us.
Veronica: Oh, no! Nothing. Your secret illegitimate child gestating in the womb of your comatose ex-girlfriend affects neither you nor me.
Lilly: I've got a secret, a good one.
Keith: [seeing the game hens Veronica has cooked] You know, elf, we might not be the richest family in town, but we can afford normal-sized birds once a year or so.
Veronica: Game hens. They were just so cute. Plus, this way, we won't have to eat left-overs on New Year's.
Keith: That's smart thinking. Come on, what do they taste like?
Veronica: [laughing] I don't know. Dense little turkeys?
Veronica: I hate fake deer, too. Everytime I see their stupid fake deer faces I wanna grab a shotgun and go all Cheney on 'em.
Logan: My day is complete. Veronica Mars has accused me of evil.
Logan: FYI: if cuddling was the best part, he didn't do it right.
Stosh 'Piz' Piznarski: I think that's 90% of life - just knowing the difference.
Wallace: So when Logan said "jump," did you actually say the words, "How high?" or was there just an understanding that you would achieve max verticality?
Veronica: Let's not forget Logan Echolls. His dad makes twenty million a picture. You probably own his action figure. Every school has an obligatory psychotic jackass. He's ours.
[Logan is playing solitaire]
Weevil: You know what I love, I love that I get a zero for talking. When you were the one talking to me. You get detention for dissing the teacher in front of everybody, I get detention for laughing. Let me ask you something man.
Logan: [looks upward] Is this detention or hell?
Weevil: How do you people not make yourself sick? It's like you walk on water in this school, for what? It's nothing that you do, I mean all that matters is who your parents are. And the zip code your mother shot you out in.
Logan: If I donate to the United Latino Pain-in-the-ass fund will you shut the hell up?
Weevil: You like playing with yourself?
Weevil: Or do you want to make things interesting?
Logan: What did you have in mind?
Weevil: [cut to them playing poker] You're almost as bad as actor as your father.
Logan: You know that you don't need a diploma to steal hubcaps right? I mean why do you even show up here?
Weevil: I promise my grandmother.
Weevil: I don't break my promises.
Logan: And I mean this, awwwwww.
Veronica: 98 out of 100 people at that party would walk over my corpse for free gum.
Veronica: Nobody likes a blonde in a hamster ball.
Logan: Thoughts of me? Hey, I get it. Sometimes I'm up all night, just thinkin' about myself.
Veronica: J. Geils was right. Love stinks. You can dress it up in sequins and shoulder pads, but one way or another, you're just gonna end up alone at the spring dance strapped in uncomfortable underwear.
Veronica: Well, actually, despite popular opinion you really can't beat the truth out of someone.
Logan: If you really want flowers, dying seems to be the way to go.
Keith: Part of me is proud... and let's just leave it at that.
Cliff McCormack: You crazy kids! The stuff you're into. Hula hoops, cramming into phone booths, visiting death row inmates... what's it gonna be next month?
Duncan: So, anyone read the paper today? Garfield. I mean, will he ever learn? Oh yeah, and there was this other thing... I guess Abel Koontz didn't kill Lilly.
Veronica: Did you guys know that 90 per cent of all identity theft is committed by relatives of the victim? That's an interesting fact. At least I think so.
Caitlin Ford: But you know what? Nobody cares what you think, Veronica Mars. Not any more. Not since you stabbed all of your friends in the back.
Veronica: You seem to care a bit what I think.
Veronica: Kimmy, why do you insist on pissing me off?
Veronica: [voiceover] Let's be honest though, the only reason I was allowed past the velvet ropes was Duncan Kane.
Logan: Hey, can Dick and Beaver come out to play?
Stosh 'Piz' Piznarski: It's school policy that if you're dead, I get to keep your stuff... So if you're dead, just don't say anything.
Veronica: Just be glad I don't flip my hair - I'd own you.
Logan: Ah, see, I'm more of a purist. You know, less blood, more emotional distress. I'd rather see him locked in a room, padded, crapping himself in the corner. You know, he's an English teacher, he'd appreciate the poetic justice.
Veronica: Here's a thought. If Tijuana was Logan's idea then stealing the car could've been the master plan.
Troy: It was more of a meeting of the minds, if you will.
Veronica: Ah. So what was on the menu for this night of grand debauchery?
Troy: Let's see. From eight to nine, we brainstormed on how to overthrow Kim Jong Il. From nine to ten, we deleted the records of the black voters of Florida. So after that was all donkey shows.
Veronica: Wow. A snack and an ego stroke. I wish I was a baller.
Veronica: I guess 'dress to impress' meant to dress like your favorite Pussycat Doll.
Veronica: My answer was final. I will not go to prom with him.
Wallace Fennel: Thanks to you, I now have the reputation of being a jock-sniffer.
Veronica: Wouldn't it be nice to have glasses in the kitchen that don't have the Hamburgler on them?
Veronica: It's amazing how fleeting perfection can be.
Veronica: [to Logan after sex] Woof! You should seriously consider going pro in that.
Veronica: Here it is, first day of college. What do you say, Veronica? New school, fresh start - how about you try not to piss anyone off this time around?
Logan: This is why I suggested attack dogs but no my mother wanted an alpaca.
Wallace: Hacky-sack: the final arena of unquestioned white domination.
Kendall: Do they, like, chemically castrate you boys over at that school? You don't need Sex Ed; I am Sex Ed.
Veronica: Is that lasagna I smell?
Keith: Keith Mars' secret recipe.
Veronica: You double the cheese. Your secret is out... You're making salad? I know pity cooking when I see it. There must be more bad news.
Keith: Maybe we should wait 'til after dinner, huh?
Veronica: Spill it. I promise I won't let it ruin my appetite.
Jackie: A "Whatever, bitch" and a 180 back-to-study hall, and we could've had something...
Veronica: That guy's too big, that guy's too small, and that guy's... not a guy. Just in desperate need of a stylist.
Veronica: If there's a justification for my actions right now, it's this: I have gone completely mad.
Veronica: It's not often you get to see bikini babes in their natural habitat. Such gentle, yet elusive, creatures.
Veronica: So my Grandma Reynolds was always saying, "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I wish she was still alive because I'd really like to ask what she suggests for when life gives you chlamydia.
Keith: Sorry, sweetheart. You can't buy love. Bored wives of the wealthy, however, can.
Wallace: You can't take the cool outta me. Look - pocket protector and I'm still full of pimp juice!
Wallace: My first college party: drinking piña coladas with a dude and talking about math.
Wallace: [on Veronica] Don't ask me, man. I stopped trying to figure her out day one.
Wallace: [When told not to throw Veronica a pity party] Good, 'cause I always get stuck blowing up the pity balloons.
Kendall: I have worked very hard over the years to avoid working.
Duncan: You've been listening to Radiohead, haven't you? That's it. I'm putting you on a strict Nelly diet.
Veronica: Hey, Carrie, wait up!
Carrie Bishop: [sarcastically] Why? Did you want the chance to tell me how much you admired me for my brave stand?
Veronica: I want to give you a chance to recant before I prove you're lying.
Carrie Bishop: Why do you even care?
Veronica: There aren't many great teachers. Mr. Rooks is one of them.
Carrie Bishop: Yeah, if you can get past the part where he seduces his students.
Veronica: Hey, Carrie, this is me, Veronica. I know you.
Carrie Bishop: You're so naive.
Veronica: Yeah, that's me, naive.
Logan: [to Connor] Does the soap box come with the SAG card?
Meg: Wow. '80s fashion. Grody to the max.
Kendall: [to Logan] You wanna play grab-ass with cheerleaders who've just mastered missionary? See ya!
Veronica: Some girl going wild? As I understand it, it happens all the time in college. I'm on the verge of it right now.
Logan: If I donate to the Latino Pain in the Ass Fund, will you shut the hell up?
Logan: But if you're coming home, who will play Dead Hooker #2 on CSI this week?
Wallace: Why do all the hottest girls always have a daddy complex?
Wallace: It's been two weeks. That's like a decade in high school years.
Duncan: Oh dear God, may no one have just heard him say 'reign of Kane'.
Wallace: So when Logan said "jump", did you actually say the words, "How high?" or was there just an understanding that you would achieve max verticality?
Wallace: My first college party: drinking pina coladas with a dude and talking about math.