Neville Flynn: Turn this big motherfucker left, Troy!
Nelville Flynn: All praises to the PlayStation.
Neville Flynn: [to Dr. Price] Well, that's good news. Snakes on crack.
Ken: [throws snake in microwave oven] Who's your daddy now, bitch?
Nelville Flynn: Everybody listen up! We have to put a barrier between us and the snakes!
Troy: Fuck Randy! Fuck Randy and his high score. That's my own brother, and I say, "Fuck him!"
Troy: This shit is bananas!
Neville Flynn: [TV edit] Enough is enough! I have had it with these monkey fighting snakes on this Monday through Friday plane!
Neville Flynn: Hey, hey, hey, we have to figure something out.
Rick: All right. Well, I know what I gotta do. We're in a 200-foot aluminum tube and we're 30,000 feet in the air. And any one of those slimy little pieces of shit can trip a circuit or a relay or a hydraulic and this bird goes down faster than a Thai hooker. So my job is to keep LAX informed on how totally screwed we are, and then find some way to keep this mother in the sky another two hours. Figure that out.
Neville Flynn: Do as I say, and you live.
Man Bitten on Penis: Aw, fuck! Fucking bitch! Get off my dick! Aw, fuck! Fuck.
Neville Flynn: You know all those goddamn security scenarios we ran? Well, I'm stuck in the middle of one we didn't think of.
Hank Harris: What the hell you talking about?
Neville Flynn: Eddie Kim somehow managed to fill the plane with poisonous snakes.
Hank Harris: Wait, hold on. What kind of insane plan is that? He can't possibly guarantee that the snakes are gonna get to Sean.
Neville Flynn: Yeah, well, he doesn't have to guarantee it if he brings down the whole plane down.
Three G's: [to white fan] Hey, yo, stay black.
Troy: This is your new pilot Troy speaking, and sitting next to me is my main man, my brother from another mother, the biggest pimp that I know, Superfly Agent Flynn. Ladies and gentlemen, Agent Flynn.
Emmett Bradley: Sir, have you got any experience piloting a jet aircraft?
Troy: Oh, yeah. F-15's, F-16's, A-10 Warthogs, I've flown all that shit.
Emmett Bradley: Then we're all thankful to have you, sir. What squadron were you with?
Troy: The Awesome Fighting Aces.
Troy: [to Flynn] Man, I'm telling you, them video games got their shit locked down tight.
Emmett Bradley: Sir, are you telling me that your only real flight time is at the controls of a video game?
Troy: No, see, it's - it's not a video game, all right? It's a flight simulator.
Neville Flynn: Is that PlayStation or Xbox?
Troy: PlayStation 2. Man, it's got an introduction by Chuck Yeager and everything.
Neville Flynn: Sporks?
Eddie Kim: You think I didn't exhaust every other option? HE SAW ME!
Big Leroy: Ow! Get this fucking snake off my ass!
Rick: You don't think I know it's hotter than hell in here? We also have abnormal vibrations in engines one and two. I had no choice but to throttle back.
Neville Flynn: You slowed down?
Rick: Yeah. Well, you know. It's that or option B.
Claire Miller: Which is?
Rick: I go faster and the engines seize up; We eventually plummet to a horrible death; They spend the next year identifying femurs.
Dr. Steven Price: Make it fast. Time is tissue.
Sean Jones: Do you remember the first thing you ever told me?
Neville Flynn: What the fuck's that got to do with anything?
Sean Jones: What was the first thing you ever told me?
Neville Flynn: Do as I say and you live.
Sean Jones: Exactly. Now it's your turn. Do as I say, and you'll live.
[they start surfing]
Hank Harris: Bring in Eddie Kim. Charge him with multiple accounts of murder and attempted murder and get that piece-of-shit attorney on the phone. Yeah, tell him to ask Kim what his preference is: gas or lethal injection?
Neville Flynn: Everybody listen! We have to put a barrier between us and the snakes!
[alternate line for television]
Neville Flynn: Enough is enough! I have had it with these mother-fucking snakes on this mother-fucking plane!
Big Leroy: [In pain from being bitten on the butt by a snake] My ass... my ass man.
Neville Flynn: What was the first thing I ever said to you?
Daniel Hayes: [to Sean] Go, get outta here. Go!
Paul: Fucking dog, fucking coach, fucking Americans!
Mercedes Harbont: [Comforting her dog, insulting the Englishman] Don't worry, Mary Kate. His hair plugs can't hurt you.
Mercedes Harbont: [to Three G's, about her dog] My doctor says she's bipolar.
Extra: [after lights go out suddenly in the plane] IT'S THE SNAKES!"
Grace: Oh, Lord.
Troy: [about Three G's] Look at the Howard Hughes of rap.
Neville Flynn: [to Three G's] Sit your ass down, Clarence.
Paul: [Having just thrown a small dog to be eaten by one of the snakes, much to everyone's disapproval] You'd have done the exact same thing!
Eddie Kim: They say the higher you aim, the farther you fall.
Claire Miller: I'm sorry but first class is overbooked, but there is plenty of room to stretch out in coach which is only half-full.For the inconvenience we would like to offer you this travel voucher which is good on any date for any South Pacific Airlines flight.
Paul: Hmm, and this travel voucher won't help get me to my meeting on time, will it?
Claire Miller: Sir, I'm pretty sure that coach gets to Los Angeles about the same time that first class does.
Paul: Funny. Does my Senior Reward membership come with your sarcasm, or should I speak with your supervisor... Claire?
[walks into the plane]
Claire Miller: This had better be a matter of national security,
Mercedes Harbont: Did I just hear right that there's no first class?
Claire Miller: Yes, only coach.
Mercedes Harbont: Is it safe back there?
Tiffany: [after a pause] Yes, yes, it is totally safe there.
Air Traffic Control: [Negotiating on landing the plane] You try to land west to east, you'll come in too fast to control.
Troy: Well I suggest you speed up clearing the rest of the runways, cause my ass is coming in for a landing!
British Guy: [throws the Tiny Dog to the Snake to slow it down, everyone screams as it's eaten] What? You'd have done exactly the same thing!
Three G's: [to Troy, about heavy set woman passenger] You like that. Baby got back, front and side-to-side. Hey, y'all two get together, y'all might have, like, two 20-lb babies or something.
Paul: Why exactly are there snakes on this plane?