Dusty: [singing] I used to work in Chicago, at a convenience store. / I used to work in Chicago. I did but I don't anymore. / A lady walked in with some porcelain skin and I asked her what she came in for. / "Liquor," she said, and lick her I did, and I don't work there anymore.
Garrison Keillor: The penguin joke. Two penguins standing on an ice floe. And the first penguin says, "You look like you're wearing a tuxedo." And the second penguin says, "What makes you think I'm not?"
Dangerous Woman: Is there more?
Garrison Keillor: No.
Dangerous Woman: That's the joke?
Garrison Keillor: Uh huh.
Dangerous Woman: Why is that funny?
Garrison Keillor: I guess it's funny because people laugh at it.
Dangerous Woman: I'm not laughing.
Garrison Keillor: You're an angel.
Dangerous Woman: The death of an old man is not a tragedy. Forgive him his shortcomings, and thank him for all his love and care.
Dusty: [singing] When God created woman / He gave her not two breasts but three. / When the middle one got in the way, / God performed surgery. / Woman stood before God / With the middle breast in hand / Said,"What do we do with the useless boob?" / And God created man.
Garrison Keillor: We come from people who brought us up to believe that life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.
Molly: [to Garrison] The show's running 6 minutes short, Lola is going to sing a song, and your barn doors are open.
Jearlyn Steele: [singing] Why do you work so hard to get what you don't even want?
Lola Johnson: [singing] She shot that bastard in the heart, And ruined his nice suit!
Lefty: The blind man's seeing eye dog pissed on the blind man's shoe. The blind man said "Here Rover, here's a piece of beef for you." His wife said "Don't reward him, you can't just let that pass." The blind man said "I gotta find his mouth so I can kick him in the ass."
Yolanda Johnson: Duct tape will not make an honest man out of you.
Dusty: Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow was already taken.
Guy Noir: A lot of good people up there on the stage. A lot of them. I mean, I'm a man of the world like yourself. But these folks put their lives into this.
Axeman: Now they can put their lives into something else. That's the beauty of the world. There's always something to put your life into, isn't there? It's like the scripture tells us, you have to lose your life before you can find it.
Guy Noir: The show had been on the air since Jesus was in the 3rd grade.
Guy Noir: She had a Mount Rushmore t-shirt on, and those guys never looked so good. Especially Jefferson and Lincoln. Kind of bloated but happy.
Dangerous Woman: Do you believe in the fullness of time and the spirit, Mr. Noir? Most people don't, you know. It would be good, Mr. Noir, if you would open your heart to the fullness of time and the spirit, which upholds and sustains us through all this world amen.
Radio Announcer: Market reports today, barrows and gilts uh two hundred twenty to two hundred sixty pounds, they're lower at forty dollars uh sows are steady three hundred five hundred pounds thirty four to thirty seven dollars going over to feeder cattle, beef steers - one hundred twenty to one hundred fifty dollars and two hundred to three hundred
Rhonda Johnson: Oh, it's big. It's movin' like monkeys.
Guy Noir: They got old, babe. They started thinking about ease and comfort. Then I figure, they saw a brochure about an island with palm trees and an azure sky and miles of sand, and they thought: ''Hey! Ah! Ah! We don't have to suffer through these miserable Minnesota winters. We don't have to freeze our butts off waiting for our bus to come, our bus has come. It's here. We'll leave the business to the kids and we'll head for paradise and to hell with it.'' Only trouble is, the kids had already gone down to paradise ahead of them. So then, a big corporation down in Texas offered then a gazillion dollars for it. Texans. Sure. They talk funny and their eyes don't focus and their flesh is rotting and falling of, but hey. You know. So what? Yeah, nobody's perfect and, Uh... Money is money, so the Soderbergs took the dough. End of story. Do you have any tweezers?