Dr. Stephen Hawking: My nurse is a lesbian and not the hot kind.
Young Rick Riker: [Blaine laying on the ground before death] Dad!
Blaine Riker: Oh Rick, I'm dying...
Young Rick Riker: No...
Blaine Riker: Don't worry, my brother Albert will take you in. Rick, the money, it's all yours now. Sell all shares in a small company called Google, pfft, worthless. Invest heavily in Enron.
Rick Riker: I'm not wearing any diamonds.
Uncle Albert: How can you say that? I've been like a father to you! I raised you, just like your father did! I believed in you, just like your father did! I slept with your mother, just like your father did!
Rick Riker: [during a prolonged conversation with Jill while plummeting from a rooftop] This is a really tall building.
Uncle Albert: God, Lucille! How could you take her away from me! I can't live without her! Lucille! Snookie lumps!
Undertaker: I'm sorry, there's been a terrible mistake. This is your wife.
Uncle Albert: [sees Lucille in other casket] Ah!
Undertaker: She is this man's wife.
Uncle Albert: Give me five minutes.
Lou Landers: [before death] Oh fuck.
Priest: We are gathered today to say goodbye to Lucille Adams.
King of Sweden: Ladies and gentlemen, our first award is for the medical breakthrough of the year. For his company's pioneering work in the field of feminine hygiene, I award Lou Landers douche bag of the year.
Rick Riker: See, you're not even in my top five!
Uncle Albert: And maybe your father shouldn't have given you this afterall, look at the words your ancestors incribed in that ring: honor, valor, sacrifice, duty, commitment, bravery, justice, integerity, brotherhood, self-esteem, low prices, affordable housing, loose fitting pants, cheap internet porn, the rest is in Latin.
Lou Landers: [Lou Landers plots to steal cerillium from Hawkings' lab] I could just walk right in.
Dr. Strom: You're going to steal cerillium?
Lou Landers: No, not me. But perhaps there's someone inside me. Someone who will at any cost... survive!
[evil laugh, Lou picks up an hourglass and breaks it]
Lou Landers: Ow, ow! Glass in my eye! Glass in my eye!
Tom Cruise: [clapping with each syllable to emphasize his point] Old MacDonald had a farm and Bingo was his name - o.
Lance Landers: [to Rick] Watch where you're going in slo-mo, dipshit.
Lunatic Editor: [Gently carried away] I know the Mayor of Venus! Hamburgers can see the Future!
Tom Cruise: [extended, deleted Tom Cruise scene] Y'know, uh, this "hero", this, uh, this "Dragonfly"... he's not the answer, okay? I'm the answer. I got, uh, I'm just... whew. Y'know, and, uh... heh. I'm... I'm the way to, to happiness. Okay? I'm the way to, I'm the way to peace. I can, I can, uh, I can unite cultures. I can eat... planets. I mean, I can just, um,
[snaps fingers; laughs]
Tom Cruise: Dragonfly's not a superhero, okay?
Tom Cruise: I am.
Tom Cruise: Guy can't even fly, you kiddin'?
[laughs; abruptly stops]
Tom Cruise: I can fly, okay? I can fly. He sees an accident, he's just gonna run by. I'm gonna STOP, 'cause I'm a hero. Now today, there aren't a lot of accidents, so you gotta make accidents. I like to throw... little nails in the street, and an accident happens. And I'm the ONLY one who can run up there and stop it. Ooh! BAM!
Tom Cruise: [off-screen interviewer: "I just wanted to ask you-"] Stop. Just shut up. Shut up. Hey!
["There's a rumor about-"]
Tom Cruise: Hey-
["That you wanted to-"]
Tom Cruise: Stop.
["You did claim, however-"]
Tom Cruise: Stop.
["Okay, but you did say, you agreed to be here, and you said that you would talk about this-"]
Tom Cruise: Shut. Up.
Tom Cruise: What is this place? Seriously... why are there no clocks in here?
Tom Cruise: [off-screen interviewer asks, "Tom? Tom?"]
Tom Cruise: There was a farm who had a dog, and Bingo was his name-O! YEAH!
Tom Cruise: I'm, uh, I'm okay.