Uncle Albert: Remember, with great power comes...

Rick Riker: Great responsibility?

Uncle Albert: Well, I was gonna say bitches, but if you want to be a virgin for the rest of your life...

Uncle Albert: [to Rick about a book on puberty] There are mood swings, fluid retention, and once a month you'll bleed from your vagina.

[awkward pause]

Uncle Albert: This may be the wrong book.

Rick Riker: Now I'm never gonna know the secret to becoming a superhero.

Mrs. Xavier: You wanna know the secret? Come close.

[smacks Rick]

Mrs. Xavier: Make a costume, shithead!

Dr. Stephen Hawking: If there is one lesson my life can teach, is it that the spirit is stronger than the body. The hero comes from within.

Dragonfly: Those are Celine Dion lyrics.

Rick Riker: [opening the front door] Uncle Albert!

[Albert turns and shoots a nail from a nail gun; Rick catches the nail]

Uncle Albert: [amazed] How did you do that?

Rick Riker: It's... easier than it looks.

Uncle Albert: [shoots Trey in the hand] Nope. I don't think so.

[after Aunt Lucille farts through Rick and Jill's conversation, Hourglass breaks through the window]

Hourglass: Sorry to drop in uninvited.

Rick Riker: It's okay. We were hoping someone would open a window. It was getting stuffy in here.

Rick Riker: [Rick sees that Lou is coughing blood] Are you okay, Mr. Landers?

Lou Landers: Oh, I'm fine, son. This is just healthy cough-blood!

Dr. Whitby: So, what brings you here?

Rick Riker: My uncle.

Dr. Whitby: Your uncle brought you here?

Rick Riker: No, he's gravely injured.

Dr. Whitby: Well, he shouldn't be driving, then.

Dr. Stephen Hawking: My nurse is a lesbian and not the hot kind.

Young Rick Riker: [Blaine laying on the ground before death] Dad!

Blaine Riker: Oh Rick, I'm dying...

Young Rick Riker: No...

Blaine Riker: Don't worry, my brother Albert will take you in. Rick, the money, it's all yours now. Sell all shares in a small company called Google, pfft, worthless. Invest heavily in Enron.

Uncle Albert: With great power comes... ow!

Rick Riker: Great responsibility? Try to breathe!

Uncle Albert: I can't. You're kneeling on my balls!

Rick Riker: I'm not wearing any diamonds.

Uncle Albert: How can you say that? I've been like a father to you! I raised you, just like your father did! I believed in you, just like your father did! I slept with your mother, just like your father did!

Uncle Albert: [lovingly] Your thighs look like warm cottage cheese someone threw up on a hot sidewalk.

Aunt Lucille Adams: And you've always had a tiny penis.

Uncle Albert: Well, what does it matter when you're in love?

Professor Xavier: But pumpkin, I don't see nobody.

Mrs. Xavier: Don't call me pumpkin. It ain't Halloween.

Undertaker: This is gonna be difficult for you but you've got to identify the body.

Rick Riker: This isn't my aunt.

Undertaker: Yes. That's why it's going to be difficult.

Rick Riker: [during a prolonged conversation with Jill while plummeting from a rooftop] This is a really tall building.

Uncle Albert: God, Lucille! How could you take her away from me! I can't live without her! Lucille! Snookie lumps!

Undertaker: I'm sorry, there's been a terrible mistake. This is your wife.

Uncle Albert: [sees Lucille in other casket] Ah!

Undertaker: She is this man's wife.

Uncle Albert: Give me five minutes.

Lou Landers: [before death] Oh fuck.

Priest: We are gathered today to say goodbye to Lucille Adams.

Mourners: Goodbye!

King of Sweden: Ladies and gentlemen, our first award is for the medical breakthrough of the year. For his company's pioneering work in the field of feminine hygiene, I award Lou Landers douche bag of the year.

Rick Riker: See, you're not even in my top five!

Dr. Strom: Unless you add some serelium! Then you could create a device powerful enough to draw the lifeforce out of thousands of people and enhance your own cellular capacity!

Lou Landers: Strom, you're a genius!

Dr. Strom: [being modest] Wikipedia

Uncle Albert: And maybe your father shouldn't have given you this afterall, look at the words your ancestors incribed in that ring: honor, valor, sacrifice, duty, commitment, bravery, justice, integerity, brotherhood, self-esteem, low prices, affordable housing, loose fitting pants, cheap internet porn, the rest is in Latin.

Lou Landers: [Lou Landers plots to steal cerillium from Hawkings' lab] I could just walk right in.

Dr. Strom: You're going to steal cerillium?

Lou Landers: No, not me. But perhaps there's someone inside me. Someone who will at any cost... survive!

[evil laugh, Lou picks up an hourglass and breaks it]

Lou Landers: Ow, ow! Glass in my eye! Glass in my eye!

Tom Cruise: [clapping with each syllable to emphasize his point] Old MacDonald had a farm and Bingo was his name - o.

Lance Landers: [to Rick] Watch where you're going in slo-mo, dipshit.

Lunatic Editor: [Gently carried away] I know the Mayor of Venus! Hamburgers can see the Future!

Jill's Mother: [shouting from a window] You're a whore, just like your mother!

[Jill's mother goes back inside]

Rick Riker: Who was that?

Jill Johnson: My mother.

Lou Landers: I've never been married.

Jill Johnson: [hold up fruitcake] Fruitcake?

Lou Landers: No. Just haven't met the right woman.

Tom Cruise: [extended, deleted Tom Cruise scene] Y'know, uh, this "hero", this, uh, this "Dragonfly"... he's not the answer, okay? I'm the answer. I got, uh, I'm just... whew. Y'know, and, uh... heh. I'm... I'm the way to, to happiness. Okay? I'm the way to, I'm the way to peace. I can, I can, uh, I can unite cultures. I can eat... planets. I mean, I can just, um,

[snaps fingers; laughs]

Tom Cruise: Dragonfly's not a superhero, okay?


Tom Cruise: I am.

[laughs; claps]

Tom Cruise: Guy can't even fly, you kiddin'?

[laughs; abruptly stops]

Tom Cruise: I can fly, okay? I can fly. He sees an accident, he's just gonna run by. I'm gonna STOP, 'cause I'm a hero. Now today, there aren't a lot of accidents, so you gotta make accidents. I like to throw... little nails in the street, and an accident happens. And I'm the ONLY one who can run up there and stop it. Ooh! BAM!

[laughs; claps]

Tom Cruise: [off-screen interviewer: "I just wanted to ask you-"] Stop. Just shut up. Shut up. Hey!

["There's a rumor about-"]

Tom Cruise: Hey-

["That you wanted to-"]

Tom Cruise: Stop.

["You did claim, however-"]

Tom Cruise: Stop.

["Okay, but you did say, you agreed to be here, and you said that you would talk about this-"]

Tom Cruise: Shut. Up.

[facing backwards]

Tom Cruise: What is this place? Seriously... why are there no clocks in here?

[suddenly asleep]

Tom Cruise: [off-screen interviewer asks, "Tom? Tom?"]

[suddenly awake]

Tom Cruise: There was a farm who had a dog, and Bingo was his name-O! YEAH!


Tom Cruise: I'm, uh, I'm okay.

Jill's Mother: You're a whore just like your mother.

Rick Riker: Who was that?

Jill Johnson: My mother.