Jim Davis: I'm a soldier of the apocalypse, man!
Marta: No, please don't go. Time freezes when you're gone.
Jim Davis: Fuck you, God! You ain't got the fuckin' balls to take my ass!
[Jim and Mike are in their car at a red light]
Jim Davis: This fucks up my plan. This is fucking bullshit. Okay, this, these fucking assholes, this fuck...
[Begins punching the car horn with each word]
Jim Davis: These! Fucking! Ass! Holes! What the fuck is their problem man? This is fucking typical! Gah! Hate-game bullshit!
Mike Alvarez: Yo, yo. Fucking chill Magilla Gorilla. I mean you're tripping dude.
Jim Davis: I see dumb people.
Jim Davis: Damn, those are bad-ass kicks, dawg. You're lucky you got little bitch feet, or else I'd be stompin' around in them mother fuckers.
Jim Davis: It's good you're doing positive shit!
Jim Davis: Put the fucking gun to my head and pull the trigger. Nobody's gonna know. Just you and me and God.
Jim Davis: My shit is on fire right now! My shit is wired right now, man!
Jim Davis: I'll be a super recruit!
Sylvia: You're crazy and you're dangerous and my biggest nightmare is you with a fucking badge!
Jim Davis: [after Mike shows Jim a six pack bought by Sylvia for getting a job callback - which was really Jim pretending] Now we know beer is only a phone call away.
Polygraph Expert: I've been doing polygraph tests since before you were swimming in your father's balls. Now either you've got a tack in your shoe, or you're clenching your butt.
Jim Davis: You point and shoot... pop pop... move on... fuck em they shouldn't have been there... you move the fuck on... you do not stop and think about it... it's not a big deal.
Jim Davis: "Mr. Jim Davis, we regret to"... what? Man, how many... I had two beers, right?
Mike Alvarez: Yeah.
Jim Davis: I'm goin' fuckin' blind or something. Okay, this letter says, quoting, "... no longer eligible as a Police Officer candidate." What the fuck does that mean?
Mike Alvarez: Come on, dude. "No longer eligible", I mean, what does that sound like? They pulled the plug, dude.
Jim Davis: No, no. Wh-why? Oh, man, I bet you 'cause it's... I bet you it's 'cause I'm White.
Mike Alvarez: I bet it's 'cause you're a dick.
Leo: [pointing firearm at Mike and Jim] Blink and die, scumbag!
Sylvia: You have to keep trying until something happens. Finding a job is a job, right?
Mike Alvarez: I've been workin' all day. I've been lookin' for work all day.
Jim Davis: I wanna get fucked up.
Jim Davis: Trigger time?
Jim Davis: Freeze, bitch! I'm gonna take that big ass of yours home!
Sylvia: You look like a gift-wrapped turd!
Jim Davis: Man, fuck the sticks! LA city's the shit!
Jim Davis: That's a lotta lettuce!
Jim Davis: White people program shit. You ain't down? Fuck you.
Mike Alvarez: Be cool, baby girl! I'm on a mission to get my shit together!
Jim Davis: What if I punch you in the belly.