Jim Davis: I'm a soldier of the apocalypse, man!

Marta: No, please don't go. Time freezes when you're gone.

Mike Alonzo: How was it like to straight up whack em up ?

Mike Alonzo: Point and shoot. Pop, pop - move on! You do not stop and think!

Jim Davis: Fuck you, God! You ain't got the fuckin' balls to take my ass!

Toussant: Dude, I ain't hangin' around you anymore until you get some fuckin' help.

Jim Davis: You can 12-step off, bitch. You're dismissed.

[Jim and Mike are in their car at a red light]

Jim Davis: This fucks up my plan. This is fucking bullshit. Okay, this, these fucking assholes, this fuck...

[Begins punching the car horn with each word]

Jim Davis: These! Fucking! Ass! Holes! What the fuck is their problem man? This is fucking typical! Gah! Hate-game bullshit!

Mike Alvarez: Yo, yo. Fucking chill Magilla Gorilla. I mean you're tripping dude.

[final lines]

Mike Alvarez: I love you, fuckin' shit bag.

Jim Davis: I love you too. I'm gonna miss you, brother. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Mike Alvarez: Everything's gonna be okay.

Jim Davis: Yeah. Yeah. I know.

Jim Davis: I see dumb people.

Jim Davis: Damn, those are bad-ass kicks, dawg. You're lucky you got little bitch feet, or else I'd be stompin' around in them mother fuckers.

Jim Davis: It's good you're doing positive shit!

Jim Davis: Put the fucking gun to my head and pull the trigger. Nobody's gonna know. Just you and me and God.

Jim Davis: My shit is on fire right now! My shit is wired right now, man!

Jim Davis: I'll be a super recruit!

Sylvia: You're crazy and you're dangerous and my biggest nightmare is you with a fucking badge!

Jim Davis: [after Mike shows Jim a six pack bought by Sylvia for getting a job callback - which was really Jim pretending] Now we know beer is only a phone call away.

Polygraph Expert: I've been doing polygraph tests since before you were swimming in your father's balls. Now either you've got a tack in your shoe, or you're clenching your butt.

Jim Davis: You point and shoot... pop pop... move on... fuck em they shouldn't have been there... you move the fuck on... you do not stop and think about it... it's not a big deal.

Jim Davis: "Mr. Jim Davis, we regret to"... what? Man, how many... I had two beers, right?

Mike Alvarez: Yeah.

Jim Davis: I'm goin' fuckin' blind or something. Okay, this letter says, quoting, "... no longer eligible as a Police Officer candidate." What the fuck does that mean?

Mike Alvarez: Come on, dude. "No longer eligible", I mean, what does that sound like? They pulled the plug, dude.

Jim Davis: No, no. Wh-why? Oh, man, I bet you 'cause it's... I bet you it's 'cause I'm White.

Mike Alvarez: I bet it's 'cause you're a dick.

Leo: [pointing firearm at Mike and Jim] Blink and die, scumbag!

Sylvia: You have to keep trying until something happens. Finding a job is a job, right?

Mike Alvarez: I've been workin' all day. I've been lookin' for work all day.

Jim Davis: I wanna get fucked up.

Jim Davis: Trigger time?

Jim Davis: Freeze, bitch! I'm gonna take that big ass of yours home!

[last lines]

Mike Alvarez: I love you, fucker shitbag.

Jim Davis: I love you too. I'm gonna miss you, brother. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Mike Alvarez: Everything's gonna be okay.

Jim Davis: Yeah. Yeah, I know.

Sylvia: You look like a gift-wrapped turd!

Sylvia: Jim, good luck on your pee test. I hope you studied.

Jim Davis: I'm gonna cram for it!

Jim Davis: Hey, later, Patty! I hope you're not pregnant, but you know you wanted me to blow in you.

Patty: [gives him the finger] Fuck you!

Jim Davis: Man, fuck the sticks! LA city's the shit!

Jim Davis: That's a lotta lettuce!

Jim Davis: White people program shit. You ain't down? Fuck you.

Mike Alvarez: Be cool, baby girl! I'm on a mission to get my shit together!

Jim Davis: What if I punch you in the belly.