- R.J.: [about his car] I told you to get rid of that thing.
- Ted Beckerwith: What am I going to get for it? Any way I save money on tires.
- R.J.: How do you figure?
- Ted Beckerwith: Only the back ones wear out, cause it's always being towed.
- Ted Beckerwith: Boy, I'm already up to my ass in debt. Just once I'd like to open an envelope that didn't have a window in it.
- Kathy Beckerwith: What about her braces, she has her orthodontist appointment next week. I'm going to have to cancel it.
- Ted Beckerwith: Or you could have him wire her teeth together so she can't eat. It would cut our food budget.
- Mr. Hockner: [dressed as a clown] You know, on the freeway they have a carpool lane for clowns. But if you want to use it, you have to have at least 200 people in the car.
- [cackles]
- Mr Otay: I now pronounce you man and wife. If you want to kiss the bride, it's up to you.
- Najah: They bombed my car!
- Ted Beckerwith: Don't worry. It probably would have been recalled any way.