Kaamelott (2004–2009)

Alexandre Astier: Arthur, roi de Bretagne, Arthur, Arturus, Artus, Arthur - Roi de Bretagne, Arthur - roi de Bretagne, Arthur, Roi de Bretagne, Arthur, roi de Carmélide, Arthurs, roi de Bretagne, Artur

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Quotes 

• Père Blaise : Ok, this is how it sounds "Chevaliers Perceval and Karadoc boldy boarded the boat, slew the giant serpent and were welcomed back to the village as heroes". How's that?

  Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles : Good.

  Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes : Except we didn't get on a boat.

  Père Blaise : What then?

  Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles : Nothing. We were at the edge of the lake. I just took off my boots.

  Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes : We had water up to our knees.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : And the giant serpent attacked you at the edge of the lake.

  Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes : Yes.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : In that much

  [about three feet] 

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : water.

  Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes : Yes.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : How big was this giant serpent?

  Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles : About this long

  [about two feet] 

  Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles : .

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : So basically you caught an eel.

  Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles : It's the smallest ones you have to watch out for.

  Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes : They're fast.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : The villagers welcomed you back as heros?

  Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles : They're overrun by eels. Catching one does them a favour.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : You're not fish wardens!

  Père Blaise : So will you be going back?

  Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles : It's a long way.

  Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes : 40 days to get there.

  Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles : The same to get back.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : The time you were away three months it was that?

  Père Blaise : I don't know how I'm gonna make this sound good.

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Let's have a little good behaviour, the round table isn't a barbecue.

• [Arthur is confronted by certain Knights who reproach him for his obstinacy to refuse the practice of torture. He reads a parchment, hardly lending his ear to the words of his wife] 

  Guenièvre : Today I had the rose bush in the rear courtyard pruned because it really needed it.

  [Arthur doesn't react] 

  Guenièvre : Why don't you tell me about your day?

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Wait, it takes time to appreciate yours, not too many emotions in one go!

• Bohort, chevalier : Sire! Don't go in there!

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Why not? It's the throne room.

  Bohort, chevalier : Atilla is in there! They say where he goes the grass doesn't grow back.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : There's no grass in the throne room.

• Guenièvre : [talking about her phobia of birds]  I never said it was logical.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : You were right.

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : You don't get the impression I'm sitting in a bath tub?

• Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles : Sire, the reason we've summoned you here -

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Excuse me? You think you can summon me? I'm here because I choose to be.

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : We've asked Karadoc to be here because he's an expert on bread.

  Guethenoc, peasant : An expert on bread?

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Yes. So, Karadoc? What do you think of this one?

  Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes : It's shit.

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Excalibur is not a butter knife. Are you aware of that?

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : [to Guethenoc]  I've never even spoken to your daughter!

  Madenn : Yes, you did at that village dance. You plucked a ladybird from my hair and asked if it was my sister.

  Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles : Yeah!

  Lancelot : That's romantic!

• [Venec is still boasting about his products] 

  Venec : [showing small toothed pliers]  This is part of what I call the travel range. When you are out and you don't want to carry all the other stuff around with you, you take this.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : And that's for?

  Venec : You chop off a finger at the first phalanx.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Well, that's less vicious anyway.

  Bohort, chevalier : Less vicious?

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Compared with everything else.

  Venec : It is progressive. One phalanx, another phalanx, if that does not work, you return to the first finger, you take out another phalanx... Anyway, it comes with a booklet which explains it all.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : We can always take four or five of them, not a bad investment.

  Venec : There we go, the whole tour. There is also this...

  [brings out large shears] 

  Venec : It is a beautiful tool, too.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : What do you cut with that?

  Venec : Whatever you like really, but it's rather for anything genital.

  Bohort, chevalier : Do you mind if I vomit?

• [Arthur is explaining to Guenièvre the workings of a curious utensil] 

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : So you put this end into an orifice.

  Guenièvre : An orifice?

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : There's a choice but classically, it is, it... Then, you prick the bottom of the rat with the needle - right, this is a stuffed rat but it is just to show you! - the rat goes into the orifice and eats everything.

  [Arthur smiles observing the effects of his talk on his wife, becomes as uncomfortable about it as her] 

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Yeah. You're right. It's nicer just to talk about our days.

• [Arthur, his knights and Père Blaise are meeting at the round table] 

  Galessin, Duc d'Orcanie : Sire, I'm trying to understand.

  Calogrenant, Roi d'Ecosse : We've succeeded in catching the cattle thief, but he refuses to tell us the name of his accomplice: what are we waiting for?

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : What are we waiting for?

  [checking with Père Blaise] 

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : He still doesn't want to talk?

  Père Blaise : Still not. He says that we get on his nerves.

  Calogrenant, Roi d'Ecosse : Even better.

  Galessin, Duc d'Orcanie : Who does he think we are, I ask you!

  Bohort, chevalier : What do you want us to do about it?

  Calogrenant, Roi d'Ecosse : We're not lacking in solutions.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : It's true that it's curious, this not wanting to torture. Where does it come from?

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : It comes from my home. There's no torture, that's all.

  Bohort, chevalier : It's good that.

  Galessin, Duc d'Orcanie : Yes, it's very good. Very modern.

  Calogrenant, Roi d'Ecosse : And while we're waiting the accomplice is getting away.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : [to Arthur]  Torture, it's not what you think! When it's done by a pro there's not a drop of blood.

  Calogrenant, Roi d'Ecosse : Just taking the tools out he cracks.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : And if he doesn't crack?

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : Ah well, then it's butchery!

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Are the girly names really necessary?

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Oh, yeah, that reminds me. I need a chevalier for a mission of confidence.

  Lancelot : A chevalier worthy of confidence? Won't be easy. What's the mission?

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : To watch over the queen while I'm away.

  Lancelot : Hmm.

  [thinks] 

  Lancelot : Well, I'll do it.

• Centurion Caius Camilus : What haven't you nicked from the Greeks?

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : The costumes.

  Centurion Caius Camilus : Don't get me started on that, it'll finish badly.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : The little red skirts with bits of metal that's all roman.

  Centurion Caius Camilus : I've told you I can't stand the skirts but it's the standard uniform, I'm obliged.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : It's impressive!

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Oh, yeah!

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : When the Ostrogoths see you coming, it really freaks them out.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Centurion Caius Camilus

  [Arthur and Léodagon sing a camp tune] 

  Centurion Caius Camilus : That's not right what you're doing.

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Only last week the king of Orcadie had the tongue and fingernails removed from a knight who spilt meat juice on his shoes.

  Bohort, chevalier : What has this to do with a ghost?

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : You don't think I may be one of the milder kings?

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Oh, no. I hate this habit of bringing breakfast up to bed.

  Angharad, Guenièvre's maid : I don't like it either. Madame has no idea how much work we have.

  Guenièvre : It happens like that in Rome.

  Angharad, Guenièvre's maid : In Rome, the houses are flat. Servants don't have to lug trays up six flights of stairs.

• Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes : Ah, this inn's the best place to be.

  Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles : [to the hooded figure at the table]  Hey, there's a free table over there you know.

  Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes : [the figure lowers his hood - it's Arthur]  Sire! What are you doing here?

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : And you, you bunch of idiots?

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : [Arthur is questioning Lancelot about his conduct towards the Queen in the King's absence]  So, when you're alone with the Queen, do you talk about me or not?

  [pause] 

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : You don't want to answer.

  Lancelot : I'm trying to decide, sire, which would make you more angry.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Either really.

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : It was a good idea that. To give them one of your cows.

  Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes : I don't have cows.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : What? Where are you going to get one from then?

  Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes : I thought maybe Kaamelott could give them a cow.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Kaamelott is not a bovine collective, we don't have any!

  Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes : Oops.

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Have you, er... Did you, er... ever take a vow of celibacy?

  Lancelot : Pardon?

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Just a question.

  Lancelot : Soon, sire, you will have proof that I did not take a vow of celibacy.

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Hey! You could warn me when you're taking the pillows away.

• Lancelot : The reason we've called you here is that we have a serious problem.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Excalibur has been stolen.

  Venec : Excalibur? Your magic sword?

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Exactly.

  Venec : So you called me here because I'm the chief thief?

  Lancelot : That's right.

  Venec : Well, let me have a look

  [brings out a diary] 

  Venec : Yeah, yeah, they were my guys.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : You told them to steal Excalibur?

  Venec : I told them to steal stuff, I didn't specify Excalibur!

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Do you know Seigneur Karadoc?

  Guethenoc, peasant : Of course. He's the only member of the court who buys paté by the pound. If everyone did that, there'd never be an unhappy peasant again!

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : It's true that from a military point of view, weaponary and military strategy, it's not the best. We can say that.

  Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes : I'm not saying anything.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : However, if it concerns food-

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : There, expert. Prince of the fork, except he eats with his fingers.

  Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes : I fear no-one.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Anyway. We've asked him here to taste your bread.

  Guethenoc, peasant : I also fear no-one.

  Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes : I'll start.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Go ahead.

  Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes : Which one?

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : The classic.

  Guethenoc, peasant : Wheat and rye, it's what I sell most of.

  [Karadoc tries a piece] 

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Well?

  Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes : It's crap.

  Guethenoc, peasant : What? This is your expert?

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : Karadoc, try not to be so categoric.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Try to develop it a bit.

  Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes : There's nothing to develop. It's crap that's all. If they served me this in an inn the innkeeper would get a quiche in his face.

  Guethenoc, peasant : You who are impartial, sire, you try it.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Oh no, I know this one.

  Guethenoc, peasant : Taste it.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Nothing doing.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : With paté it's not magic but alone I feel like I'm eating my shoes.

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : I don't know what you had to eat before you hit the sack, Bohort, but you've had what is commonly known as a bad dream.

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : My father wasn't dishevelled. He had a stupid haircut but it was rather flat and secondly, he wasn't vaporous.

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : How do you explain that I didn't hear the screams?

  Bohort, chevalier : You were asleep.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Precisely.

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : It's not our wedding anniversary or any of that crap, is it?

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : And you never confess?

  Le Répurgateur : Me? No! It's for the Church! When it's for the Church, you see, it's all right. That's it. That's the system...

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Even burning?

  Le Répurgateur : Yes. Even so! Burning is so beautiful!

• Guenièvre : Say. Isn't today your training with the maître d'armes?

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : [half asleep]  I don't know. I don't remember what day it is.

  The Maître d'Armes : [from outside]  Ha ha! I'm waiting for you, your Majesty. Unless you want me to tell everyone you're nothing but a big queer who pisses in his armour at the thought of fighting.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : [without opening his eyes]  Yeah, I think it's today.

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Who's next to complain?

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : I don't know, I don't know the register by heart.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Oh come on, I like to have a rough idea of who's here to complain.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : What difference does it make? We sit there looking like we're listening, we say that's dreadful but there's nothing we can do about it and in an hour we break for a bite to eat. Don't really need a register.

  [both shrug] 

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : You're not going to play it during the meeting are you?

  Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles : Lord Dagonet brought it back from Judea. He says it's typical.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : It's the round table, not a craft fair.

• Demetra : Where's your wife at the moment?

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Rome.

  Demetra : Do you miss her?

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : [thinks for a moment]  No.

• Demetra : You've been with me for three nights now.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : You've had enough?

  Demetra : No. But the queen. Doesn't she mind it?

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : No. Apparently after three days with you I'm relaxed and amiable.

  Demetra : That makes sense. After three days with her you're annoying and aggressive.

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Let me simplify this even more. It's not just the statue that's pissing me off around here...

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : [to quiet a pack of wolves Arthur has been asked to sacrifice the queen]  Stop insisting. I'm not giving you the queen. I've gotten used to her. It's taken long enough and I'm only now becoming able to support her presence. No offence, father-in-law.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : I admire you. I never could.

• Madenn : What about the queen? Anything on the way?

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : No. I should get to it but I don't have the courage.

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Lots of complaints?

  Lancelot : About a dozen.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : This is so stupid, this whole complaints thing.

  Lancelot : What do you mean?

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : You tell the people they can come and complain to the king. They're not idiots, they come and complain.

• Centurion Caius Camilus : When it comes to defence you're not too bad, but as for food? You should come to Rome at least once a year to see what we do.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : Go ahead, we'll follow you.

  Centurion Caius Camilus : Don't take it the wrong way.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : For food you may be good, but for manners... We invite you to dinner and you just criticise.

  Centurion Caius Camilus : Invite? Invite? I'm supposed to be occupying the country. I don't need to be invited.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Occupying the country? You still believe that?

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : You know, we don't really choose which side we get attacked from.

• Goustan, Le Cruel : The problem in Carmélide, the demographic decline.

  Guenièvre : Well, if you just chop people's heads off arbitrarily.

  Séli, Guenièvre's mother : That's bound to have an effect on depopulation.

  Goustan, Le Cruel : I wonder where all those bloody peasants go.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : They all come here. They chose between The Cruel and The Just.

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : When I return, we'll take it off.

  Guenièvre : What's the point? Even if you lost the key it wouldn't change your habits.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Don't change the subject!

• Séli, Guenièvre's mother : What have you done with our daughter today?

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Ever since you said there were birds falling through the roof she refuses to set foot in the dining hall again. And she's scared of birds because they have no arms!

  Séli, Guenièvre's mother : How could I have raised that kid without noticing her fear of birds. Like that one

  [points to Yvain] 

  Séli, Guenièvre's mother : , no idea what's wrong with him.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : I have everything you need.

  Séli, Guenièvre's mother : I mean his fears.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : Wasps?

  Yvain, Guenièvre's Brother : Not true!

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : Remember that time at his grandfather's? A wasp came flying round and he went all blue?

  Séli, Guenièvre's mother : Oh! That's what that is! That's why he eats in the kitchen during the summer and doesn't set foot outside!

  Yvain, Guenièvre's Brother : Gauvin's cousin got a wasp sting in his mouth and they had to cut his throat open so he could breathe.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : What with him who eats in the kitchen and his sister who eats in her room, it's getting quite special.

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : [discussing the new round table]  I'm not sure about the leather, though.

  Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes : It does look a bit like a dressmaker's studio.

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : I must admit I saw the table made from stone.

  Breccan : What? Bring four tonnes of stone up that spiral staircase? I'm not Merlin, you know.

• Morgane la Fay : Where are you going?

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : If today's not the day, it's not the day.

  Morgane la Fay : With all the muck he just put on your neck, it'll get infected and you'll die in three days!

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : So come back in three days.

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : This place is disgusting, crap all over the floor.

  Merlin, enchanteur : Oh, that's me when I transform into an owl.

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : So I continue 60 leagues to the north.

  La dame du Lac : Well, 60 or 65.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : OK, then what?

  La dame du Lac : You'll arrive in a large clearing.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : How will I know it?

  La dame du Lac : Er... it's large.

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : That's an excellent battle plan.

  Lancelot : Perfect.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : Hmm. The last time we fought the vandals we had a perfect plan. As I recall we came home with our tail between our legs...

  Lancelot : That was Karadoc.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : While trying to catch his horse he strayed into the enemy camp.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : Oh yes, that was it. That story went completely out of my head.

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : It's not an option, you note down everything. I never asked for letters 15 feet high and decorated with flowers and angels though.

  Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes : Don't take out the pictures, it's the only bit I understand.

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : What is this thing?

  Angharad, Guenièvre's maid : What thing? The statue?

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Yes the statue, not the back wall.

  Angharad, Guenièvre's maid : It's a statue.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Don't take me for an idiot, I warn you.

  Angharad, Guenièvre's maid : You asked me the question.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : What's it doing in my room?

  Angharad, Guenièvre's maid : [sighs wearily]  Don't shout at me.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : I'm not shouting.

  Angharad, Guenièvre's maid : Madame brought it back with her from Rome.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Madame is back. First news.

  Angharad, Guenièvre's maid : You have to understand her. She realises that your couple is not going well. I think you're too hard on her, you should let her woo you in her own way...

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Ok, mind your own business and leave me in peace.

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : I hope there won't be too many storms this season.