Quotes (47)

Michael: [giving his speech to the Residence Board] B, beautiful this building is very beautiful.

Michael: U, and you... and you... all of you who live in this beautiful building.

Michael: I, Intelligent, because I'm really, really intelligent.

Michael: L, Love. I love this building

Michael: D, I think there should be a disco ball in the lounge...

David: It was Mr. Mueller, the landlord.

Michael: He is such a Nazi.

Michael: Michael, not all Germans are Nazis.

Michael: That's not my understanding.

David: [to realtor] Shhhhhhhh... Shut up. Just shut up!

[repeated line]

DavidMichaelMichael: That is too funny!

Michael: The global business climate is like... whatever, dude.

David: How's the soup, Michael?

Michael: It's good.

David: You won't be saying that after I kill you!

Michael: Ladies & gentlemen of the board... all black.

Michael: I take my coffee like I take my women... strong... black... and proud.

Michael: Think of all the great things that have come out of this country!

Michael: Rugby.

David: Chicken Tikka Masala.

Michael: Chinese People.

Michael: Ass.

David: Harry Potter.

Michael: Rubber balls and liquor.

Michael: Then I say something.

Michael: Dude, if you don't start making sense right now, I'm taking out my wiener and I'm going to slap you down with it!

David: As a child, I was very sickly. I had polio and Alzheimer's and cancer. And lupus. And so, I was usually bed-ridden with at least two of those things.

David: I haven't laughed that hard since my last business transaction!


Michael: We can't move... We're in a tableau.

CO-OP Board President: Hiring you boys based on your performance in the potato sack race was the worst decision I ever made!

CO-OP Board President: Where are they? It's four o'clock!

Amy: I don't know, they left for lunch at 9:30 and never came back.

David: Hey, Mike, it's David. Weren't those guys at the party really mean?

Michael: What, who is this? I don't know any Davids!

David: David Wain?

Michael: Oh... yeah

Michael: You know when Bob Dylan said "I have a dream"?

Michael: David, do you still have that friend that makes fake moustaches?

David: Gary Meadows? Sure. But why?

Michael: Trust me. Just trust me.

CO-OP Board Member: Excuse me, boys, but why are you dressed as skunks?

Michael: Not skunks... skunk people!

Richard: How about some sugar for my coffee?

Michael: How about I'm not your bitch.

David: And what about Madonna, is she like a virgin or is she the material girl? I mean this girl's had more re-inventions than Thomas Edison.

Michael: She's had more boyfriends than Madonna!

Michael: I like English muffins.

David: Totally.

Greg: Woah, woah, woah... sorry, guys... employees only.

David: We are employees!

Michael: Yeah! We're from the... Houston office.

Greg: Houston?

Michael: [in Canadian accent] That's aboot right, eh?

Ansel: I didn't know we had an office in Houston.

Michael: [in Canadian accent] Yeah, we play hockey there... with... the prime minister.

Michael: [in Canadian accent] ... Pierre Trudeau...

Ansel: If you guys are from Houston, why do you have Canadian accents?

David: [in Canadian accent] Take off you hosers!

MichaelMichael: Yeah!

Michael: [to girl at office party] Touche... you've made worms' meat out of me.

Michael: Hey, guys, check it out. They got brass knuckles.

Michael: And numchucks.

David: Sweeeeet.

Michael: [looking at Michael and David in strange outfits] Why are you guys dressed like that?

Michael: [in a rain poncho] Well, *I'm* dressed for rain.

David: [in mountain climbing gear] And *I'm* dressed for snow.

Michael: [in a swimsuit] Hey! I'm also wearing a hilarious outfit! Didn't anyone check the weather in the paper this morning?

China: What are you doing?

Gary Meadows: Go back to bed, China.

China: But I'm bored.

Gary Meadows: I said, go back to bed, China!


Gary Meadows: Now!

Michael: It's to the point where I don't even feel like I'm Michael Showalter any more, you know? It's like I'm Sainsbury's corporate employee #31427728651127720772132.

Michael: I know there's something out there, but I don't know if I wanna call it "God."

Michael: Okay, 'cause like, I believe in God...

Michael: Right.

Michael: ...but I don't know that I think God is some guy on a throne with a long white beard.

Michael: Right. Like to me, God is, like, it could be anything. It could be like...

Michael: Literally, it could be this table.

Michael: It could be - totally be this table. It *is* the table.

Michael: It's like I'm spiritual, but I'm not religious. Do you understand?

Michael: I totally...

Michael: It's like I can get off spiritually with the sunlight through trees.

Michael: Oh, my God...

Girl At Party: I like pain.

Michael: I like cookies.

Michael: Would a perfect world have turkeys?

David: Oh, my God! You just shot the mountain man!

Michael: I thought it was a turkey, I swear to God!

Michael: What are we gonna do?

David: Call Marcus.

Michael: Yeah, call Marcus.

Michael: Who's Marcus?

Michael: I don't know, I don't know!

Michael: Hey guys, he's still alive!

Michael: [Michael Ian Black shoots Mountain Man] Why did you do that!

Michael: It was either him or us, Mike!

Michael: What are you talking about?

David: You guys, we have to call the cops!

Michael: No cops, Dave... not on this one!

David: What are you talking about? We have to call the cops!

Michael: [points gun at David] I said no cops!

Michael: Hey, don't do anything stupid, Mikey

[points gun at Michael Ian Black]

David: Put the gun down, Mike!

[points gun at Showalter]

Michael: Why are you pointing the gun at me, David? I am trying to help you!

David: I know? it's weird.

Michael: Put it down... Put it down... Put the gun down.

David: Come on! Put the gun down now, Guy, you put it down!

Michael: 2? 3? Now, what are we gonna do?

[all three throw guns down]

David: Without the Mountain Man we are totally lost!

Michael: How are we going to survive? We're stuck in these woods with nothing to eat!

Michael: [looks at Mountain Man's dead body] I have an idea...

Michael: If you guys don't stop talking about the boogie boards, I'm gonna run this car off the road!

David & Michael: Do it!

Michael: I will!

David & Michael: Do it!

Michael: Fine!

[Swerves off a cliff]

David: I know I can hunt but can Mike hunt and Mike hunt?

Mountain Man: Of course.

David: No, no, but you say it.

Mountain Man: ...Mike hunt.

[Michael, Michael and David giggle]

Mountain Man: What are you guys laughing at? All I said is "Mike hunt." What's so funny about "Mike hunt?"

[more giggles]

Mountain Man: All right, enough!

Michael: [after finding out they are bankrupt] You know what I'm thinking... Maybe throwing money out of the limo wasn't such a good idea.

Old Woman: Everybody make a wish, now.

Michael: I wish we had our apartment back.

Michael: I wish we had our apartment back.

David: I wish I was dry-humping Maggie.

Michael: [to close up their presentation for the Big Account] In conclusion, continued economic growth, building a bridge to the 21st century, Tippy Canoe and Tyler too. Thank you, very much.

Michael: Oh, God, this rat race is killing me. I'm so exhausted.

David: I know. I can barely keep my eyes open.

Michael: I can barely keep my pee hole open.

Michael: My urethra shut down at 4 o'clock today. That's how tired I am.

David: Hey, you remind me of fast food.

Blonde Girl: Oh, yeah? Why's that?

David: Because I want to take you out...

Blonde Girl: [laughs]

David: ...and then I want to eat you in my car.

Jane Burroughs: I'm afraid I some have bad news.

David: Don't tell me you have crabs.

Jane Burroughs: No.

David: ...You will.

Michael: I'm cold.

Michael: I'm hungry.

David: I'm David.

[makes fart noise]

Michael: Wow, this is really fun, Mountain Man.

Mountain Man: Nature is fun.

David: Like boobs?

Mountain Man: But it can also be dangerous.

Michael: Like fire boobs?

Michael: Now, come on. We have a date today with a lady named Fun.


Michael: She's a Korean lady.


Michael: "Fun" is a popular name in Korea.

Michael: I just want to curl up in a ball and die.

Michael: I feel the same way.

Michael: You're bummed out, right?

Michael: No, I want you to curl up in a ball and die.

David: I'm a red-blooded American man with an American thirst for sex!

Michael: Where are we?

Michael: Are we in heaven?

David: Check to see if there's Godiva chocolates nearby. If there are, then yes, we're in heaven.

Michael: David went to Julliard, Michael.

Michael: I don't care where he went!

Michael: He's a classical violinist.

David: And I'm a classical pianist!

Michael: You're a classical dick, is what you are.

Michael: I made an educated guess; I'm a Harvard man.