Michael: [giving his speech to the Residence Board] B, beautiful this building is very beautiful.
Michael: U, and you... and you... all of you who live in this beautiful building.
Michael: I, Intelligent, because I'm really, really intelligent.
Michael: L, Love. I love this building
Michael: D, I think there should be a disco ball in the lounge...
David: [to realtor] Shhhhhhhh... Shut up. Just shut up!
Michael: The global business climate is like... whatever, dude.
Michael: Ladies & gentlemen of the board... all black.
Michael: I take my coffee like I take my women... strong... black... and proud.
David: As a child, I was very sickly. I had polio and Alzheimer's and cancer. And lupus. And so, I was usually bed-ridden with at least two of those things.
David: I haven't laughed that hard since my last business transaction!
Michael: We can't move... We're in a tableau.
CO-OP Board President: Hiring you boys based on your performance in the potato sack race was the worst decision I ever made!
Michael: You know when Bob Dylan said "I have a dream"?
Greg: Woah, woah, woah... sorry, guys... employees only.
David: We are employees!
Michael: Yeah! We're from the... Houston office.
Michael: [in Canadian accent] That's aboot right, eh?
Ansel: I didn't know we had an office in Houston.
Michael: [in Canadian accent] Yeah, we play hockey there... with... the prime minister.
Michael: [in Canadian accent] ... Pierre Trudeau...
Ansel: If you guys are from Houston, why do you have Canadian accents?
David: [in Canadian accent] Take off you hosers!
Michael: [to girl at office party] Touche... you've made worms' meat out of me.
Michael: [looking at Michael and David in strange outfits] Why are you guys dressed like that?
Michael: [in a rain poncho] Well, *I'm* dressed for rain.
David: [in mountain climbing gear] And *I'm* dressed for snow.
Michael: [in a swimsuit] Hey! I'm also wearing a hilarious outfit! Didn't anyone check the weather in the paper this morning?
Michael: It's to the point where I don't even feel like I'm Michael Showalter any more, you know? It's like I'm Sainsbury's corporate employee #31427728651127720772132.
Michael: I know there's something out there, but I don't know if I wanna call it "God."
Michael: Okay, 'cause like, I believe in God...
Michael: ...but I don't know that I think God is some guy on a throne with a long white beard.
Michael: Right. Like to me, God is, like, it could be anything. It could be like...
Michael: Literally, it could be this table.
Michael: It could be - totally be this table. It *is* the table.
Michael: It's like I'm spiritual, but I'm not religious. Do you understand?
Michael: I totally...
Michael: It's like I can get off spiritually with the sunlight through trees.
Michael: Oh, my God...
Girl At Party: I like pain.
Michael: I like cookies.
Michael: Would a perfect world have turkeys?
David: Oh, my God! You just shot the mountain man!
Michael: I thought it was a turkey, I swear to God!
Michael: What are we gonna do?
David: Call Marcus.
Michael: Yeah, call Marcus.
Michael: Who's Marcus?
Michael: I don't know, I don't know!
Michael: Hey guys, he's still alive!
Michael: [Michael Ian Black shoots Mountain Man] Why did you do that!
Michael: It was either him or us, Mike!
Michael: What are you talking about?
David: You guys, we have to call the cops!
Michael: No cops, Dave... not on this one!
David: What are you talking about? We have to call the cops!
Michael: [points gun at David] I said no cops!
Michael: Hey, don't do anything stupid, Mikey
[points gun at Michael Ian Black]
David: Put the gun down, Mike!
[points gun at Showalter]
Michael: Why are you pointing the gun at me, David? I am trying to help you!
David: I know? it's weird.
Michael: Put it down... Put it down... Put the gun down.
David: Come on! Put the gun down now, Guy, you put it down!
Michael: 2? 3? Now, what are we gonna do?
[all three throw guns down]
David: Without the Mountain Man we are totally lost!
Michael: How are we going to survive? We're stuck in these woods with nothing to eat!
Michael: [looks at Mountain Man's dead body] I have an idea...
David: I know I can hunt but can Mike hunt and Mike hunt?
Mountain Man: Of course.
David: No, no, but you say it.
Mountain Man: ...Mike hunt.
[Michael, Michael and David giggle]
Mountain Man: What are you guys laughing at? All I said is "Mike hunt." What's so funny about "Mike hunt?"
Mountain Man: All right, enough!
Michael: [after finding out they are bankrupt] You know what I'm thinking... Maybe throwing money out of the limo wasn't such a good idea.
Michael: [to close up their presentation for the Big Account] In conclusion, continued economic growth, building a bridge to the 21st century, Tippy Canoe and Tyler too. Thank you, very much.
Michael: Dude, if you don't start making sense right now, I'm taking out my wiener and I'm going to slap you down with it!
David: I'm a red-blooded American man with an American thirst for sex!
Michael: I made an educated guess; I'm a Harvard man.