Reign of Tera (2005)

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A man and his wife open a brothel catering to customers whose preferences are for Asian women and are willing to pay the high prices asked. However, in order to keep the establishment's ... See full summary »


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2 November 2017 | lor_
Incompetent extravaganza for Tera the superstar
With her own label Teravision cranking out product for Vivid Entertainment, Tera Patrick unwisely put herself in the hands of her untalented hubby Spyder Jonez/Evan Seinfeld, a jerk who should have stayed in the music biz. Making matters worse, Jonez employed equally untalented Cash Markman/Marc Cushman (pseudonyms are de rigeur for these blokes) to help on the lousy script.

So we get, to list its full screen title: "The Reign of Tera...Inside the 'Asian Love Palace'". Putting on my Bud Lee hat, it allowed me to gaze at an assemblage of Oriental talent from the Adult Industry, 14 actresses in total, but I had to suffer through Spyder's antics and worthless dialog plus mechanical sex. Ugh!

A guy with unbridled ego, who makes even Trump seem like a Shrinking Violet by comparison, Jonez portrays the owner of a whorehouse, whose chief draw is manager/prostitute Tera Patrick, cast as sort of a version of her superstar self. After a disgusting opening scene of Jonez servicing her, in which the viewer at home gets to see Tera's loveliness canceled out by Jonez' ugliness, we have Spyder expounding on how to properly run a 21st Century brothel, internet-driven, with real-life Bunny Ranch magnate Dennis Hof, and Ron Jeremy thrown into the discussion as sort of knee-jerk casting of porn's most famous "Me Too" hanger-on. Lon Chaney (Sr.) was Man of a Thousand Faces, while Mr. Hyatt is Man of a Thousand Pointless Cameos.

Tera looks mah-velous throughout, but recites her stilted dialog without expression or emotion, under the thumb of Jonez the non-director. Highlight of the show is a massive all-girl orgy (in whih Jonez cannot resisting himself near the end for some boy/girl content) but otherwise the vast cast of lovelies is largely wasted. At times they just hang around in the corridor of the brothel posing for the moving camera, recalling for me the '70s softcore classic "Street of a Thousand Pleasures" in which over 30 of porn's top models paraded for posterity.

Kurt Lockwood shows up as a creepy customer, portraying Kurt Lockwood the mythical rock star, and a trio of overage frat boys (led by Tommy Gunn and Seth Dickens) get their buddy Peter Shaft deflowered at the hands and body of lovely Jayna Oso in what turns out to be a gang-bang.

Feature ends with Tera almost rebelling from under the oppressive yoke of Spyder, but instead he triumphs, Mr. Smug from start to finish. There is no subliminal message here -rather Seinfeld declaring his greatness not unlike our country's current Narcissist in Chief.

This crap and its sequels represent the triumph of marketing over content, as reigning porn queen of the moment Tera Patrick apparently could do no wrong for her mindless fans. She deserved far better; I'm not sure if the fans did.

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Adult | Drama