Wow.
Where do I begin? The 2005 Paleo-Jurassic-Coolio Thriller "Pterodactyl" really took my breath away. It is certainly a "B Movie" or a "Broke Movie." Unintentionally good, horrifically bad, grammatically awful, and overall, a great experience if you have several witty friends and a good amount of beer.
We begin the movie with one of the most horrific monster movie deaths I have ever seen. A man gets ripped in half at the waist, and his lower body continues twitching for A GOOD amount of time. Merely an attention getter you may ask? Well, that's what I took it as. That is, until this SAME DEATH WAS REPEATED 5 DIFFERENT TIMES! Pterodactyl involves a team of scientists who are exploring a volcano. The main hero is known only as "The Professor" and he has awkwardly round boobs that show through his shirt. His love interest is a pale read head with freckles, his assistant is a college kid that eerily resembles Corey Haim, and the rest of his team doesn't have names. They serve only as bait for the Pterodactyls. In fact, there was one point where a girl got killed, and I would've sworn I had never seen her before in the movie. OK, so there you have your heroic team of dorks who are in search of God knows what on a volcano. Oh, and I almost forgot, they bring a really hot girl with huge ta ta's. It is never explained why she is invited on this scientific expedition, but I'm glad she's along for the ride.
Along the way, the science students encounter a US Special Forces team, lead by Coolio himself. Coolio's highly trained squad of military task soldiers also employs the services of a really hot girl who is not only stacked beyond belief, but also wears make-up....on Special Forces Missions.
Once the scientists and army guys team up, the Pterodactyl attacks start happening.
The Pterodactyls are extraordinarily inconsistent in their actions and reactions to the activities that go on. Sometimes a single shot will kill a Pterodactyl, but most of the time, they are absolutely impossible to hit. I mean, we're talking thousands of rounds from several fully automatic weapons, and the Pterodactyls are untouched. Additonally, there are moments that would have you believe that a Pterodactyl possesses the sharpest, most deadly claws known to the universe. They are often capable of severing entire bodies in pieces in an instant. However, if the attack is on an important character, the Pterodactyl will either pick the person up and carry them away, or simply knock them down for fun.
This is a terrific movie to make fun of and analyze.
Just a few fun facts: -Pterodactyls had very small teeth, and they weren't large enough or strong enough to carry away small children, much less adults. They relied on updraft to fly, so carrying heavy weight while in flight would be impossible. Pterodactyls were carnivores, but their prey did not include any animals larger than some medium to large fish. They were not dinosaurs, as this term refers to an upright reptile, not a flying creature.
-US Special Forces ops do not shoot guns sideways like 2Pac.
-US Special Forces is an elite group of highly trained individuals who earned their status through hardwork and dedication. They do not allow hot, big breasted women to join up, go on missions with make-up on and let their long, beautiful hair flow carelessly beneath their army helmet.
-Coolio dies in the end, and you see his body lying on the ground for a few minutes, and he is BLATANTLY breathing. No attempt whatsoever to act dead.
-A girl is holding hands with a puny little 4-eyed rat scientist and a Pterodactyl takes her away by her shoulders. Her arm is ripped from her body, and the little scrawny dweeb kid is left holding her severed arm. How hard was he holding on to that arm??!! -There is a complete lack of character development. By the end of the movie, you don't like the good guys and you don't hate the bad guys. The only emotion you may feel is when the hot girls get killed. That's it.
-Coolio is a terrible selection for an Army Commander. He lacks leadership abilities, focus, coordination with weapons, intensity, and all the other aspects that make actors good at army roles. He makes one famous lewd insult towards the Pterodactyls that will last in my memory forever. It contains a terrible grammatical error that I'm sure he wishes was edited out, but the producers said "hey, it's Pterodactyl, we're not editing much." -In the end, Coolio's final suicidal attempt to kill the remaining Pterodactyl was both idiotic, unsuccessful, and absolutely unnecessary. He dies for no reason. He is not a hero, he does not accomplish his goals, and you don't feel sorry for him. It's just a shade below Mel Gibson's performance as William Wallace in "Braveheart." -There is simply no way that a heavily armed team of US Army Special Ops would have any trouble killing a thousand Pterodactyls, much less 20. If you're in the army, this whole concept will really bother you.
-The main character, "The Professor," brought a 9 with him on a science expedition. Why? You don't strap yourself before exploring a mountain. Did the guy that granted him the funding say, "Yo dawg, here's the cash for your experiment's and such. Now get heated, and head for the volcano to study some insects. I repeat, get heated. Don't go without the chrome." All in all, it was a 2 out of 10 in the real world, and an 8.5 out of 10 in the "Let's go rent a terrible movie and make fun of it" world.
