Beer League (2006)

Artie Lange: Artie DeVanzo

Photos 

Quotes 

• Maz : I'll have an egg-white omelet made with very little oil, dry wheat toast, and grapefruit juice.

  Johnny Trinno : Oh my god, that's the gayest order I've ever heard.

  Artie DeVanzo : You know, in Massachusetts, that order could legally marry a dude.

  Maz : Alright, here it comes.

  Johnny Trinno : You know, just placing an order like that would get you kicked out of the army.

  Artie DeVanzo : You know, if you put a construction helmet on that order, it could join the Village People.

  Rhonda : Would you guys knock it off so I can do my job?

  Maz : Thank you.

  Rhonda : Alright, Maz, that's an egg-white omelet, dry wheat toast, grapefruit juice.

  Maz : That's right.

  Rhonda : Do you want a side order of cock with that?

• Artie DeVanzo : Ohh! Alright, listen up. Anybody who doesn't do a pregame shot with me right now is a fucking pussy.

  Dennis Mangenelli : Jerk off!

  Artie DeVanzo : Hey, did this jerk off just call me a jerk off?

• Maz : If you're gonna ask her, you gotta be prepared to answer the question yourself. So, what's your number?

  Artie DeVanzo : Let's see. I used to be better at keeping track of this. Uh, seventy-three.

  Maz : Not counting whores.

  Artie DeVanzo : Six.

  [Both pause] 

  Artie DeVanzo : You're right, I'll drop the whole thing.

• Linda Salvo : I'm so embarrassed right now.

  Artie DeVanzo : You're embarrassed? I just got cock-blocked by my mom!

• Artie DeVanzo : [imitating Yankees PA Announcer Bob Sheppard]  Your attention please, now pitching for Mangenelli: Number 1, Needle Dick,

  [Artie's team laughs] 

  Artie DeVanzo : Number 1

  Dennis Mangenelli : Yeah, all right!

  Artie DeVanzo : Needle Dick.

• Artie DeVanzo : You know, Dave, you might be a lefty.

• Artie DeVanzo : Come on let's get this guy! Let's get this punk! He's nothin'! He's a loser! He's an asshole! A cock sucker! He's a total piece a shit!

  Dennis Mangenelli : You shut up fatso!

  Artie DeVanzo : Hey, watch the name-calling!

• Dirt : Don't eyeball me tough guy! When I was in the joint, I fucked guys bigger than you!

  Artie DeVanzo : What the hell are we waiting for-hey did Dirt just say he use to fuck guys?

• Linda Salvo : Be honest with me, Artie. The only reason you like me is because I fuck you.

  Artie DeVanzo : Not at all... I mean it's awesome.

• Johnny Trinno : Let me get a bacon egg and cheese on a hard roll with a side order of fries, cheese, and gravy and a bowl of gravy on the side.

  Artie DeVanzo : I'll have the same thing, plus pancakes.

  Rhonda : Chocolate milk?

  Artie DeVanzo : You know it honey.

• Artie DeVanzo : Hey, are we done here? 'Cause I'm losing my buzz.

• Maz : [responding to Artie about un-inviting Mangenelli to the wedding]  He's Gina's cousin, he's going to be there, and don't start any trouble.

  Artie DeVanzo : Hey, I'm not one to start trouble.

  Johnny Trinno : Oh my God you fat fuckin' liar.

• Maz : Alright, Dirt. Just throw it in there, baby. Come on!

  Artie DeVanzo : [punches glove]  Whatta you say now Dirt, you character.

• Artie DeVanzo : If you put a construction hat on that order, it could be one of the village people.

• Dennis Mangenelli : Hey, DaVanzo

  Artie DeVanzo : If you're gonna ask if you can suck my left nut, the answer's maybe.

• Linda Salvo : [as Artie and Linda sit in the car after their date]  Alright listen, if you're really quick I'll give you a blowjob, but you gotta be quick!

  Artie DeVanzo : Kidding me? I hear ya. When blowjobs go on too long it's like you chicks forget guys' dicks get tired.

  Linda Salvo : Stop with the jokes, I gotta be up for work early tomorrow so concentrate, okay?

  Artie DeVanzo : I'll be Hugh fucking Downs.

  Linda Salvo : Who the fuck is that?

  Artie DeVanzo : He was the host of Concentration just blow me.

  Artie's Mom : [interrupting them, unexpectedly]  I made tiramisu, you kids wants some?

  Artie DeVanzo : No mom, go back inside!

  Artie's Mom : It's in the fridge, you change your mind.

  Artie DeVanzo : *Back inside*!

  Linda Salvo : I'm so embarrassed right now.

  Artie DeVanzo : You're embarrassed I just got cock blocked by my mom!